is this good poetry that i wrote?

M

M.o.C. will save hip-hop

New member
Poetry that I wrote. opinions please

they say you cry when you know somethings gone
but your with me; yet im still weeping, writing this song
i apologize, for blaming you when i was wrong
with that on your shoulders, your my hero for remaining strong
i moved away a fateful day, and you needed me most
here comes the tears, when you need me, all you see is my ghost
touched by a later blessing, camouflaged, deceivin us close
to home, but were distant
if I take away your pain with my death, I'd say goodbye to livin
 
is it wrong to hit the bong then play ping pong with king kong doorbell goes ding dong its a homo with a big long schlong in a thong

use as many -ong rhymes as u want, that does not matter at all.

i usually dont say this to people on here but i liked it. distant-livin is a half rhyme, so its ok it still works i dont agree with ^ up there
i like the content, its introspective without being cliche or emo or just lame, i can dig it
 
I'll Be Honest
It is only OK.
It is a good start, and I think it has good potential, but here are a couple things.
You usually want to have more variety. You rhymed Ong for 4 lines, which is way to much.
Also The closing line NEEDS to rhyme. You left it without a rhyme, which leaves us hanging, it feels very anticlimatic.
Your use of vocabulary though is good, and I think with just a few changes, this could be a very good poem.
 
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