is this a good line of poetry?

G

Giggles

New member
her pulchritudinous body,
oblivious to her gelid blue eyes
which sparkle prominently
even through a cascade of
radiant stars which rain down
with every breath,

sigh.

This seems as if you are trying to hard. Just be yourself and let the words flow. As you have this written, there is confusion. Icy blue eyes which sparkle prominently even through... are you speaking of her hair as the radiant stars? or her eyes or what?

Me thinks you are using big words instead of raw emotion here.

you have good thoughts, just relax and let the thoughts flow naturally.

This object of your words must be a beauty and worthy of your words...
 
im in 9th grade, and im curious if this is a good line of poetry(which i made up)

Her pulchritudinous body, oblivious to her gelid blue eyes which sparkle prominently even through a cascade of radiant stars which rain down with every breath,sigh.
 
her pulchritudinous body,
oblivious to her gelid blue eyes
which sparkle prominently
even through a cascade of
radiant stars which rain down
with every breath,

sigh.

This seems as if you are trying to hard. Just be yourself and let the words flow. As you have this written, there is confusion. Icy blue eyes which sparkle prominently even through... are you speaking of her hair as the radiant stars? or her eyes or what?

Me thinks you are using big words instead of raw emotion here.

you have good thoughts, just relax and let the thoughts flow naturally.

This object of your words must be a beauty and worthy of your words...
 
Pulchritudinous is already describing the physical beauty so using it to describe her body is a bit redundant. Although the meaning of it is for flattering when using to describe physical beauty, the sound of it doesn't sound that flattering - sounds like throwing up.
Then her "body, oblivious to her gelid blue eyes" doesn't really make sense - her body is not aware of her cold blue eyes?
Then there's her cold eyes, that sparkle wondrously?
Gelid as an adjective for eyes, is not really how it's used. You can use it as part of a metaphor.

You want to use urban language like "pulchritudinous" then it should be proceeded with more urban flare, than what it's trying to rebel against to.
 
Back
Top