Woods Woodrow
New member
Hi Guys give me your opinions please.
The sad story of James ‘Wooden-Jim Brootenburger.
James ‘Wooden-Jim Brootenburger' met a most tragic and perplexing end. Allow me to fill you in, but be warned young readers, the yarn I am about to spin is rife with actions most horrid and evildoings of the foulest and most depraved nature. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin.
Twas a hazy summers evening in the dales of Fiddle-me-down. The evening sun lit up the rolling corn fields which shone in the rippling heat like a divine sea of liquid gold. Lady Tipp-ex, wife of the honourable Earl of Argulschpargul, was in her element. Her summer lawn parties had become highpoints on the local calendar, and this evening, next to the babbling brook on the lower plateau of her well tended garden, she was in spectacular form.
“To which I replied, well you’d better pull them back up again!” The punch line was met with to waves of exuberant laughter all round. She accepted the applause, feigned embarrassment and called for more tea.
“Jeeves....more tea.”
“yes M’Lady.” He promptly returned to the manor house to attend his duties. He had an evil glint in his eye.
“Bravo! Bravo Esmeralda!” Exclaimed Inspector Crabbe, a portly gentleman, with a particular fondness for the good Lady’s apricot wine. “And I simply must raishhh, rise, roosh, er, oh I think I’m a bit tipsy! I Simply must hold up, a glass to yet another marvellous evening. Hoorah!” he took another drink.
Also in attendance were the Rev. Smythery Smith, Lord and Lady Fishnet, Mayor Funk and his young lady friend Keith, Admiral Karrinsewrance, local Banker George McMc, Master Baker Pat O’Cake, local carpenter James ‘Wooden-Jim’ Brootenburger and last but not least HYPERION DXK KILLBOT, a nightmarish battle droid from nine centuries in the future, with lasers for eyes, rockets for kneecaps and tri-tanium blades with molten spikes protruding in horrifically confusing multi dimensional ways from every terrible panel on his awesome 73 Ton body. The low hum emitted by his dual Fortex Envirodrive Photon aggravator turbines seemed to transcend normal time and space like quantum poetry. Indeed simply looking at him filled you with the overwhelming urge to look at something else. Something ‘easier’ to perceive.
“MORE TEA WOULD BE LOVELY THANKYOU” he said in a voice which seemed to freeze the air like an ice sheet, and cut into your innocence like a diamond edge scalpel.
“Tea won’t be long HYPERION DXK KILLBOT” replied Lady Tipp-ex smiling courteously at her gigantic guest.
But something bothered her as she felt her smile fading. Something deep in her soul. She didn’t remember inviting this monstrous metal man who was currently sitting rather impossibly at her small tea table. Actually she couldn’t remember having ever met him before. Come to think of it, had he even been there a few minutes ago? Had he partaken of the carrot cake and Morris dancing earlier in the day. She looked at her other guests talking casually amongst themselves, HYPERION DXK KILLBOT included.
“YES VICAR, I’VE ALSO HEARD THAT SOUTHERN FRANCE IS NICE THIS TIME OF YEAR. I STRUGGLE WITH THE FOOD THOUGH. ALWAYS HAVE TO TAKE A CASE OF BAKED BEANS. HA....HA....HA”
Nobody seemed to think anything was out of the ordinary and surely someone would have said something if this mechanical giant had arrived unannounced. Perhaps he was a friend of Admiral Karrinsewrance, a plus one, or maybe he was Lord and Lady Fishnets’ infant son. No, that didn’t seem right. Or maybe, just maybe, everybody was feeling the same hollow, nagging doubt. She rose from her seat having half decided to confront this mysterious intergalactic gatecrasher, when suddenly from a small slot under HYPERION DXK KILLBOT’s left shoulder-plate a miniscule bead of invisible light hit her between the eyes. In a similarly invisible flash she ‘remembered’ everything. She remembered how she and HYPERION DXK KILLBOT would frolic in the meadows of her childhood home. How he had saved her from that terrible house fire when she was only 11. How he introduced her to Dave Tipp-ex, Earl of Argulschpargul and had been there to help deliver her three children. ‘Yes’ she thought, ‘HYPERION DXK KILLBOT is a good friend.
His shoulder plate closed.
The rest of the evening passed without incident and the group toasted a rousing success. The guests said their goodbyes, left a donation on a plate towards the new church roof and left for their respective homes. HYPERION DXK KILLBOT phased out of sight, blinking out of memory, out of time, out of existence, to hide in the spaces between realities. At least, until Lady Tipp-ex’s next garden party.
Three years later James ‘Wooden-Jim’ Brootenburger banged his thumb with a hammer and fell down a big hole on the way to the hospital. He died peacefully in his sleep ten years after.
The end
So what do you think?
The sad story of James ‘Wooden-Jim Brootenburger.
James ‘Wooden-Jim Brootenburger' met a most tragic and perplexing end. Allow me to fill you in, but be warned young readers, the yarn I am about to spin is rife with actions most horrid and evildoings of the foulest and most depraved nature. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin.
Twas a hazy summers evening in the dales of Fiddle-me-down. The evening sun lit up the rolling corn fields which shone in the rippling heat like a divine sea of liquid gold. Lady Tipp-ex, wife of the honourable Earl of Argulschpargul, was in her element. Her summer lawn parties had become highpoints on the local calendar, and this evening, next to the babbling brook on the lower plateau of her well tended garden, she was in spectacular form.
“To which I replied, well you’d better pull them back up again!” The punch line was met with to waves of exuberant laughter all round. She accepted the applause, feigned embarrassment and called for more tea.
“Jeeves....more tea.”
“yes M’Lady.” He promptly returned to the manor house to attend his duties. He had an evil glint in his eye.
“Bravo! Bravo Esmeralda!” Exclaimed Inspector Crabbe, a portly gentleman, with a particular fondness for the good Lady’s apricot wine. “And I simply must raishhh, rise, roosh, er, oh I think I’m a bit tipsy! I Simply must hold up, a glass to yet another marvellous evening. Hoorah!” he took another drink.
Also in attendance were the Rev. Smythery Smith, Lord and Lady Fishnet, Mayor Funk and his young lady friend Keith, Admiral Karrinsewrance, local Banker George McMc, Master Baker Pat O’Cake, local carpenter James ‘Wooden-Jim’ Brootenburger and last but not least HYPERION DXK KILLBOT, a nightmarish battle droid from nine centuries in the future, with lasers for eyes, rockets for kneecaps and tri-tanium blades with molten spikes protruding in horrifically confusing multi dimensional ways from every terrible panel on his awesome 73 Ton body. The low hum emitted by his dual Fortex Envirodrive Photon aggravator turbines seemed to transcend normal time and space like quantum poetry. Indeed simply looking at him filled you with the overwhelming urge to look at something else. Something ‘easier’ to perceive.
“MORE TEA WOULD BE LOVELY THANKYOU” he said in a voice which seemed to freeze the air like an ice sheet, and cut into your innocence like a diamond edge scalpel.
“Tea won’t be long HYPERION DXK KILLBOT” replied Lady Tipp-ex smiling courteously at her gigantic guest.
But something bothered her as she felt her smile fading. Something deep in her soul. She didn’t remember inviting this monstrous metal man who was currently sitting rather impossibly at her small tea table. Actually she couldn’t remember having ever met him before. Come to think of it, had he even been there a few minutes ago? Had he partaken of the carrot cake and Morris dancing earlier in the day. She looked at her other guests talking casually amongst themselves, HYPERION DXK KILLBOT included.
“YES VICAR, I’VE ALSO HEARD THAT SOUTHERN FRANCE IS NICE THIS TIME OF YEAR. I STRUGGLE WITH THE FOOD THOUGH. ALWAYS HAVE TO TAKE A CASE OF BAKED BEANS. HA....HA....HA”
Nobody seemed to think anything was out of the ordinary and surely someone would have said something if this mechanical giant had arrived unannounced. Perhaps he was a friend of Admiral Karrinsewrance, a plus one, or maybe he was Lord and Lady Fishnets’ infant son. No, that didn’t seem right. Or maybe, just maybe, everybody was feeling the same hollow, nagging doubt. She rose from her seat having half decided to confront this mysterious intergalactic gatecrasher, when suddenly from a small slot under HYPERION DXK KILLBOT’s left shoulder-plate a miniscule bead of invisible light hit her between the eyes. In a similarly invisible flash she ‘remembered’ everything. She remembered how she and HYPERION DXK KILLBOT would frolic in the meadows of her childhood home. How he had saved her from that terrible house fire when she was only 11. How he introduced her to Dave Tipp-ex, Earl of Argulschpargul and had been there to help deliver her three children. ‘Yes’ she thought, ‘HYPERION DXK KILLBOT is a good friend.
His shoulder plate closed.
The rest of the evening passed without incident and the group toasted a rousing success. The guests said their goodbyes, left a donation on a plate towards the new church roof and left for their respective homes. HYPERION DXK KILLBOT phased out of sight, blinking out of memory, out of time, out of existence, to hide in the spaces between realities. At least, until Lady Tipp-ex’s next garden party.
Three years later James ‘Wooden-Jim’ Brootenburger banged his thumb with a hammer and fell down a big hole on the way to the hospital. He died peacefully in his sleep ten years after.
The end
So what do you think?