Is their something wrong with the way I write?

[I tell it like it is!]

I write stories on this site called booksie and I wanted to know if their is something wrong with the way I write because I don't get as many comments and stuff...

Here is a part from one of my story

"I have to get my siblings. If I don't I will be lying to myself. My mother is coming back for us"I said

"I can't let you go by yourself"He said

"and why not"I asked

"What if you die"He asked

"then I'll die. If it's Gods will then so be it"I stopped walking to see he was still following me.

"I'm coming with you"He said

"no your not"I said "It's risky enough when they are looking for one person we don't need two"I said

"you either let me go or I squeal"he smiled

"ugh...fine"I said








well, Can you give me some advice please



Also please forgive me for my grammar! I fix my spelling and etc..when I publish it....this hasn't been published yet