Is pedophilia a disorder? (my case)

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DanaV

New member
Hello. This is my second post, the first one was removed for misunderstanding the rules (my bad). I think this is a valid thread. I had troubles finding where to post it, as I can't categorize it to a certain category, that's why I post it in the general board.
Please pardon me if I did it wrong again >.<

My issue is the following: I see myself as a pedophile. I feel sexually attracted to under aged girls, but not exclusively, I also feel attracted to grown up women. I think it's the same in english, but the spanish (my language) definition for "ped
 
this becomes a HUGE issue when or if you actually "act on" those fantasies, you know what i mean? tho some men actually prefer younger women, when it comes to thinking what you are, there IS a very huge boundry that just can never ever be crossed. i am glad to hear that you have not acted on this fantasy, that would be a whole other story here if you did.

i worked for many years with the victims of child sex assault as well as women and men who were also sexually assaulted. this IS the flipside of pedophilia with the children of course. i seriously think, before this gets out of your control(and trust me here, it CAN, very easily, espescially if you use any drugs or alcohol), you REALLY seriously need to seek out help from a good therepist who specializes in what it is you are feeling, BEFORE like i said, this even begins to get acted on in any way shape or form. you just need to really understand what it is that you are feeling and most importantly the 'whys' of it. it just is NOT a 'normal" type of thought pattern as you already know or you would not be asking about it or feeling the way you are as well, ya know what i mean?

there is one big thing here that you really need to know and understand when it comes to childhood sex abuse. you really do NOT always know for certain whether or not you have even BEEN abused in some cases. alot of children will dissassociate from the event(s) just to be able to get past it and move on so they do NOT actually remember it til something just "triggers it". but in some cases, it does stay with them from beginning to end too. alot really depends upon how young the child was, and how often the attacks/abuse actuallly occured early on in their lives.

things that just occur very early in our lives, tho the brain never forgets anything it actually experiences under normal circumstances, it just is not something that even GETS remembered til that trigger pops up where that "data" or info is actually stored within the deeper recesses of our brains. it can also be "brought out"with things like hypnotherepy too.

i really do think that in order to truely understand why you think the way you are right now, and what creatred this thought pattern to begin with really does need some further more in depth exploration. i would speak with your doc about this and make certain to really let him or her know that this is a bunch of thoughts and that nothing has ever come from them. but that you need to understand just where this is coming from. i am sure they will be able to send you to the apprpriate therepy for this particular issue. by the way, most people who are actual pedophiles do not talk about this fear that you are right now. the DO explain it as an uncontrollable 'compulsive' thing that they have no real solid control over. some will relate it as a very strong addictive type of behavior as well. you just really need to explore your past as a possible reason for what you are feeling now. this could even come down to not wanting to actually deal with adults or what are just new responsibilities of being an adult, ya know? wanting to stay back in that more innocent time? there are just so many possible reasons for this type of thinking that it will take someone with more expertise in this area to really truely help you explain why its even there at all.

i do wish you lots of luck in sorting thru this and finding the reason for it. it may take some really hard work on your part, but not having these types of thoughts in your head anymore REALLY is the biggest payoff. you just need to make certain that you do NOT act on the thoughts, that IS the bigger issue here and one that would change everything for you if you took that one step over the line. just find that good therepist who can help you, this IS most definitely NEEDED for you to get your head into a healthy place again. please let me know how things go for you holland. and DO please, for yours and any other childs sake here, stay the heck away from alcohol and any drugs, at least until you have found out the whys in all this. these things will take away some of your control, which in your case, could lead to something really awful for you and a whole family to have to deal with forever. you are just in a very vulnerable place right now so you DO have to be as careful as possible right now. FB
 
Hi. I have been sexually abused by no fewer than 9 different people so I understand the subject more than most. And I appreciate your differentiation of pedophilia as opposed to pederasty. And I will try to answer you based on the investigation of my own family.

Pedophilia and pederasty is multi-generational in my mother's side of the family in both males and females. My grandmother was still molesting at age 75. Myself and all of my siblings were abused but not one of us HAS abused. We have all been able to hold our fantasies or flashbacks in control. Flashbacks differ from fantasies in that you are seeing what has happened to you whereas a fantasy is something totally made up. I believe it's our flashbacks of the pain and humiliation that keep our fantasies under control. We remember what it can do to a child.

You seem to only have the fantasy side so although you have managed to maintain control so far, you don't have those built in control mechanisms I have. I could never hurt a child as I know how it made me feel.

Another factor is whether or not you've been abused and do you have anger at those who hurt you. Do you want to take your anger out on others? That is another factor. You have said you weren't abused but I didn't know I was abused until my memories returned at age 32 after having 2 children.

So you are in the following bind. You have the fantasies but no built in control mechanism like having been abused to stop you from acting on your fantasies. Second, although you think you weren't abused, I can tell you that at age 20, you very well may not know. So you don't know what will happen should you marry and find yourself the father of a 7 year old girl that you find yourself fantasizing about.

I would recommend that you find a therapist who deals with pedophiles and figure out why as a 20 year old male you fantasize about young girls. A normal sexually mature man doesn't have these fantasies. Their adult nurturing emotions should intervene, that desire to protect a child. You have some of that but do you have enough?

There are therapists who can help you develop the controls you will need to keep this a fantasy and not a reality but right now, you are way too young to know which way this will go. Be honest as you have been here and tell the therapist that you want to NOT become a pedophile but have concerns that a part of your personality seems to be fixed on young girls. Hopefully you will find someone who will help you but the brakes on this.

I stopped my entire family. I went on national TV over 20 years ago and told my family's secrets and made sure everyone saw it. Now they all knew I was watching and so were others and they could no longer operate in secret if that wanted to. It was an extra layer of control I put on those at risk. I put them on notice that I would play police officer for my own family if necessary.

You have done somewhat of the same thing by posting here and I commend you for that and that's why I have answered. You need to develop a self-control mechanism, several of them, to make sure you never act on these impulses.

To find a therapist in your area that deals with this, try calling a Rape Crisis center. They are a good resource for finding therapists who are good at dealing with sexual issues. A major medical center with psychiatric services should also be able to help give you names. I would avoid support groups for now and concentrate on yourself first. If you have medical insurance, check to see who takes your insurance and often they list what they are trained in or special concerns they deal with. There is help and if they start off by judging you, change therapists. You need someone who will appreciate your desire to nip this in the bud now.

I hope your post is as sincere as I have been in my answer.

good luck.............Jenny
 
Thanks to both for your answer.
Maybe I'm too young to recall traumatic events if they were, that could originate this. By your posts, it seems that pedophilia IS a disorder, no? That worries me a bit, I always thought of it as a particular and private preference. After all, being "abnormal" or "rare" isn't "bad", its just... different...

Jenny, certainly I can't think of any kind of self-control mechanism at the moment but my values and principles. As I said, I would never thought of touching or molesting a real girl, ever. It makes me sick just to think of it. I think of that as if it happens to my nieces or cousins. Thinking of it makes me feel horrible.
I also can say that i'll never consume drugs. I can't even smoke cigars (I have allergy to it, it's a real pain...) and I don't like alcohol, can't stand a single beer (plus, its disgusting...). I'm close to drugs everyday, where I live, there is a high consumption rate, almost up to 40% of children consuming residual drugs (wastes of the production of cocaine and other drugs, that are very cheap and it's accessible to low-class kids). While in high school, 20 of the 28 in my class consumed that or marihuana.
What keep me away from it is again me, my values and principles. I could be me own self-control device.
But I do see a danger if in the future, I get do drink and being drunk, the line is crossed. But that could happen to anyone. Jenny, if you for any reason end up under the effects or alcohol, your control mechanism will still work?

In that situation every human is dangerous, but it doesn't turn it into a behavior. I think of pederast and molesters people that know what they're doing, and do it regularly.

I feel sad to find more opinions of it as a illness, something that should be erased and healed, because I really do like it. I can't think of me without liking young girls as I can't think of me not being attracted to grown-up women (I feel attracted to both). Its like, I like chocolate, how can I turn from loving it, to reject it? What will I like if I replace it with other thing, or what will be on their place?
The same as changing me behavior in the future, how can I not be ME in the future? If I think that not now, but in the future I can turn into a molester, I also can think that I can have no control over who will I be, what is the point of living if one can't choose his lifestyle? Will I have no control over changing my principles in the future?

I will try searching some specialist in that area... there is not a big conscience here about it, and it's like a big taboo. But I wouldn't be visiting a therapist for now. I still depend economically on my father, and would not like him to worry and think bad of me, not him. Medical insurances doesn't cover these things, we still are in a time of thinking that mental issues are not illness and they don't cover anything. Even if I have a -relatively- good insurance, my father is also a physician; so if I assist to a therapist he will notice by the fee.
Help by the state, I'll search if such thing exists and is offered without being displayed in the media....

I marked as italic what I'm mainly thinking right now. I find hard to think of it as a illness or get the idea of erasing it if it's something I like and enjoy.

I also add, they are not the only fantasies I got. I also got fantasies about relationships with strangers, or chaining my partner, or in risky places, or even about rapings, but again, I will never dare to do any of these things. In fact I'm a quite boring person and would never have real sex to a stranger. Never had casual sex and won't like to, and I always sticked with relationships with someone I loved.
I need to ask again, are fantasies bad? Because I really know that they're fantasies, I made them up for the excitement of doing something prohibited or taboo, not like I will think of doing it in real life.
If just having these fantasies makes me a potential dangerous person, will I have to recur to a specialist to help me "heal" them each time? I feel disappointed of life if I have to live censoring all my thoughts. Does one need to apply the moral rules to one's fantasies? My fantasies where the only place where I could be free of any morals and discriminations, isn't that how it's supposed to be?

Thanks again.
Regards
 
Let's get something straight here. Fantasies that are under control and harmless are just fantasies. But if you fantasize about suicide all the time and then one day are very down and get some alcohol in you, might you try and possibly succeed??????? That's not healthy, is it?

You are fantasizing about something that is ILLEGAL and can land you in jail for a long time and mark you as a sexual offender for life. So it is important to get it under control so you don't, in a moment of impulse, destroy your own life.

So whether a fantasy is "sick" or not depends on the fantasy. You are too young to know what might bring you to the point of acting on your fantasies. But the fantasy itself is "not normal" and could end your life if you allow yourself to act on it. So in this case, your fantasy is "sick". And it does require intervention to make sure you don't act on it.

There are some who will say you are born this way and it will never change but I happen to believe that with sufficient work, you can stop these fantasies and replace them with something more healthy. IT IS NOT NORMAL FOR A 20 YEAR OLD MALE TO FANTASIZE ABOUT SEX WITH YOUNG GIRLS. That is the bottom line. They should not turn you on. You need to find out why they do and try to stop it.

So to answer your question quite bluntly.....YES, YOUR FANTASIZING ABOUT SEX WITH GIRLS AGES 7-14 IS SICK. Get help.
 
there is nothing remotely normal about sexual fantasing about children
how anyone can even go along that line of thinking is beyond me
it is in fact inhuman......get help..you are sick
 
if you have any fears about anyone finding out that you are trying to see out help,DO call your local county sexual assault services for a good referral to someone who IS a therepist who can see you on a more of a sliding feel scale? it is all VERY highly confidential. we always had a referal book with actual therepists who had agreed to donate their time just for sas victims or those dealing with anything that may have been connected to a past abuse type situation, that is who we referred clients too.

when i was actively working with victims, i would routinely get phone calls from mostly women who were remebering bits and pieces of a past event that just somehow became triggerd in them(now THESE are flashbacks, a real event that is starting to come back not a fantasy). anything that stimulates one of our senses can be a trigger. a sight,smell,sound,touch by someone in a particular way,all are known triggers that can just bring up past events, and some from wayyy early on in our lives. like i mentioned to you and jenny too,if there actually was some level of past abuse that occured earlier on in your life and this could be many many diferent types of abuse, you may not actually remember anything about it at all til it gets brought back to the forefront by either a triggered flashback,which can, in some cases actually occur over a very long peroid of time, or hypnotherepy where the therepist just takes you back in time to a much earlier place in time in your life.

like i mentioned before, our brains never forget anything we have actually experienced in our lives that made any good or bad impact. its all there locked away in different little 'data bases' of info. some are locked up tight only becasue it was just way too painful to even begin to try and deal with back then. our brains have an amazing capacity to 'protect" us from certain noxious/abhhorant things that can happen in our lives. its dissassociation and accomodation that can take a really horrible event in our lives and kind of 'takes it out of our normal everyday thought processes. its how people actually 'learn to live with' anything bad or too painful to remember or even in the cases of people who suffer with severe chronic pain like i and jenny both do, it helps us to better accomodate what we are forced to have to feel on a daily basis that kind of 'kicks in' over time when the brain feels we just cannot continue to even totlerate it anymore. that is when it helps us by accomodating it and helping us to actually disassociate from it in certain ways so it is just not as in your face as is started out to be too. again, learning to live with the "intollerable".

if you just take a look in the front of any local phone book you have for your city or look up your countys website(they all have one for govt and local services)look for anything related to crisis or even some form of sexual assault or violence numbers. most countys DO offer these services. the contact is free but the referrals you can get from them are priceless for someone who is dealing with thoughts that are tormenting them that could be from a past assault or some other form of actual sex abuse done by like a babysitter or something. like i said, you may not even be aware of what took place back in your life that is bringing on these thoughts. it does not actually have to involve a true full on sex assault. it could have been something similar.

something is making you think this way and you need to just find out what that is/was that helped to create these thoughts in the first place. like i mentioned before, it could be alot of different possibilities. but your past and our envronments really are much a part of what shapes us and our tendencies and personalities too. it all takes place when we were pretty young. just those very basic buliding blocks that everything else creates itself around,you know what i mean?

i seriously would start trying to find out who is out there to help you with this and exploring everything that could have created this to begin with. people have some really crazy sex fantasies from time to time, even the most "normal" types of people you would never ever think in a million years would have this type of sex fantasys just can and do. it is when some of the more abnormal ones get acted upon that things become a whole different story. i am really happy to hear that you do not drink or use drugs either. that could be a huge recipe for potential nightmares for alot of people to have to deal with if you did. please keep us posted. FB

i really am so sorry jenny for what you and your family have had to go thru and deal with. but damn proud of you for what you did tho, that took one hell of alot of courage and guts and it took your control back from the people who stole it from you back then too. i do know what that took for you to even attempt to do. that must have been an amazing experience for you in what it just gave YOU. bravo. mar
 
Hi Marcia...sounds like you've been visiting the Spinal board. I share some of my past at times but keep it at a minimum. But people always want to know where I get my determination to to keep on going. You've worked with victims so you know where it comes from.

I'm not going to say anymore here as I have major questions as to why our poster is here but I always try to meet sincerity with sincerity until proven otherwise. And I'm starting to wonder so I'll be dropping off this thread now.

So you post on the PTSD board at all? I've only posted once as I'm unsure as to it's safety but perhaps you can tell me where I might be able to help.

gentle hugs..........Jenny
 
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