Hi. I'm a 24 year old female, and one of my greatest accomplishments is my career. I have a degree in law and I'm currently working towards getting admitted into the attorney profession. I'm very excited about that, but the problem is that I suffer from a lack of self esteem and self confidence, and this shows in my work. My thoughts are never systematic,they are rather all over the place and this is effecting my job on a large scale, but thats not why I'm seeking advice today. My problem started when I was 7/8, I can't really remember my exact age because I have been shutting that part of my childhood out for the majority of my life. I was molested by our neighbour, who also molested my older sister and raped my 7 year old cousin. I was 14 when he raped my cousin. The thing is that I never spoke about what he did to me, even when the rape case was conducted, I never said said a word, instead I lied and made it seem like he didn't do anything to me. The case was thrown out of court for a lack of evidence and my cousin who is 19 today is emotionally unstable and her life is a mess.
I blame myself for that, because I wasn't brave enough to speak about what he did to me. I kept it a secret and never told anymone about it, not even my parents for fear that they would say it was my fault.
That has effected me up until today. I have never managed to have a serious relationship with anyone. What normally happens is that the relationship starts off very well, the guy is totally into me and than I start acting crazy, where I would start calling him all the time and smsing him, saying stuff like he should just leave now because I'm gonna mess up his life and his worth so musch more than me etc. I do that, until the guy finally has enough and he leaves, thats always within the first 3 months. We don't ever get to the part of intimacy cause it freaks me out and I cage up.
I don't know what to do anymore...I need help and I'm not sure how to get it
I blame myself for that, because I wasn't brave enough to speak about what he did to me. I kept it a secret and never told anymone about it, not even my parents for fear that they would say it was my fault.
That has effected me up until today. I have never managed to have a serious relationship with anyone. What normally happens is that the relationship starts off very well, the guy is totally into me and than I start acting crazy, where I would start calling him all the time and smsing him, saying stuff like he should just leave now because I'm gonna mess up his life and his worth so musch more than me etc. I do that, until the guy finally has enough and he leaves, thats always within the first 3 months. We don't ever get to the part of intimacy cause it freaks me out and I cage up.
I don't know what to do anymore...I need help and I'm not sure how to get it