My spouse has ADD and gets in these adult temper tantrums sometimes. When he is in that state sometimes I ignore it and walk away because I know it's due to the ADD. But other times when I've had enough, I snap back and really yell at him (sometimes I curse him out too). ANY suggestions on how to deal with this. I'm no pushover and I will only tolerate his ADD behavior so much.
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Is it wrong for me to yell at my spouse when we argue?
- Thread starter FedUp
- Start date
Anything you do to intentionally hurt your spouse is abusive.
You are in a unique position to inflict searing emotional pain.
You are not suppose to yell and curse at each other (i.e. fight).
You need to decouple your emotional state from his.
That's an 'aftershock' of codependacy.
If he was having a bad day and you love him, you would do something extra nice for him. e.g. bring him a beer.
And yes you are only human, at times it wears on you and makes you grumpy as well but that's not the way it's 'suppose' to work.
The 'think rationally' comment made we want to add this;
Once "activated" the highly-emotional right-half of the brain shuts-down the rational & logical left-half. Understanding this phenomenon lead to a toddler communication theroy called "mirroring". Once they "lose it" logical/rational communication is useless. As parents we all know this. Ignoring the tantrums also rarely works (despite continuing to be offered as the "best advice" to date).
If we can no longer communicate rationally (but we still want to communicate) we must communicate emotionally.
Mirroring works. It is amazingly effetcive compared to anything else.
Mirroring means showing an attenuated empahtic emotional response. If they are at a x10 with happiness you will automatically response with, say, a x4 happy response. It comes naturally for positive emotions.
For negative emotions you have to assert control and express a lesser response that shows you understand.
e.g. for a 4yo throwing a tandrum because they cannot watch TV, you would angrily say "You want to WATCH TV /really bad/!"
The younger they are the more intensity you give it and for females give more intensity and for males give less. For an adult male your taget is about 10% of his intensity.
You are in a unique position to inflict searing emotional pain.
You are not suppose to yell and curse at each other (i.e. fight).
You need to decouple your emotional state from his.
That's an 'aftershock' of codependacy.
If he was having a bad day and you love him, you would do something extra nice for him. e.g. bring him a beer.
And yes you are only human, at times it wears on you and makes you grumpy as well but that's not the way it's 'suppose' to work.
The 'think rationally' comment made we want to add this;
Once "activated" the highly-emotional right-half of the brain shuts-down the rational & logical left-half. Understanding this phenomenon lead to a toddler communication theroy called "mirroring". Once they "lose it" logical/rational communication is useless. As parents we all know this. Ignoring the tantrums also rarely works (despite continuing to be offered as the "best advice" to date).
If we can no longer communicate rationally (but we still want to communicate) we must communicate emotionally.
Mirroring works. It is amazingly effetcive compared to anything else.
Mirroring means showing an attenuated empahtic emotional response. If they are at a x10 with happiness you will automatically response with, say, a x4 happy response. It comes naturally for positive emotions.
For negative emotions you have to assert control and express a lesser response that shows you understand.
e.g. for a 4yo throwing a tandrum because they cannot watch TV, you would angrily say "You want to WATCH TV /really bad/!"
The younger they are the more intensity you give it and for females give more intensity and for males give less. For an adult male your taget is about 10% of his intensity.
C
concerned1
Guest
People have different ways of venting and arguing. My husband and I shout, curse, and pitch little tantrums and we get over it. To each his own. Just be sure not to say too many hurtful things that you can't take back. While LOTS of people will not agree with me and say that it is so unhealthy, blah, blah, blah.......I yell....IT WORKS FOR US. DON'T JUDGE ME!!! (married 12 years and still counting)