Inner Mirror.

L

Lisa L

New member
Rabbit legs hinder on a steady conscience
Could take it bare without the consequences
Twice a lesson soon long gone
Heed my warnings son
Little beings can't be formed
In the ambiguity of young love

Father, was I a mistake
The world cuts loose it's dead weight
Never could have fought for my preservation
If only the situation was different
Would I have gained your admiration

Seperate spirits on the same old haunt
Remembering tragedies from the past before
Escape was the only option we could have sought
Farewell before were torn apart

I gaze up at my fellow kin
Who float down towarRAB the rivers bed
UpwarRAB i can barely see
A figure with tears strolling down her eyes
Who watches as her little transgressions
Find a place to reside

Seperate spirits on the same old haunt
Remembering tragedies from the past before
Escape was the only option we could have sought
Farewell before were torn apart
Farewell.

But yeah, I wrote this a while back but replaced the chorus because it sounded a little bland, feedback is always appreciated! ( I don't really have a title so I just improvised)
 
My main problem here is your wording, you're trying too hard to be poetic and it's bloody obvious. It feels like you're trying to avoid cliche's by purposefully wording things in a more obtuse manner, but what you've done is actually managed to point more obviously at them. You're clearly still finding your voice though, so it's certainly forgivable but you shouldn't try so hard to be wordy and such.

That was a pretty vague explanation, but I don't actually know the specifics of what I'm talking about, since I've never learnt them aside from in practice.. Sorry haha.
 
Yeah it's an early song I did, you have a point with the strange wording but I guess I was trying to be as vague as possible to not write something that gave everything away at the time it was written. Thanks for the advice though i will publish a later song I've written sometime.
 
Thanks! I should have noticed that one, I just wanted to find a way to change the old chorus which basically just went like
"Believe me
I tried to stay
but all I could do was just run away"
It sounded too cliche'
 
Back
Top