M
Moon godess
Guest
ok well, i'm trying to write a book. A fantasy book and I was wondering what people thought of it so far. I would like your honest opinion please:
I stare out the widow. The wind seems to throw it’s self at the house. A branch of the tree outside hits the window and I back away, thinking it’s going to fly right through the glass. I go downstairs and find my mum sitting at the kitchen table, her head in her hands.
“Mum, are you upset on my birthday?” I sit down beside her,
“no of course not, I’m very, very happy.” She looks up at me and I notice that her eyes and red and puffy, but I don’t say anything.
“Did you get me a present?” I ask cheekily,
“of course I did,” she hands me a small, yet promising package, wrapped in pale blue paper. I rip it open and squeal. She got me a small, see-through crystal hanging on a silver chain.
“Can I put it on?”
“Yes, I’d love if you did,” I put the necklace on and I feel safer, somehow more at home.
“Well, I should be getting to school; I don’t want to be late on my birthday.” My mum unlocks the door for me and tells me that she’ll she me at half twelve. I get a half day every Friday, but I never knew why. I walk against the wind trying to stand my ground.
When I got to school one of my best friends, Janet was there
“Happy Birthday, love your necklace. Was it a present?” says Janet.
‘Yeah it was, and thanks.”
“I got you a present, well not just me. I got the present with Jake and Violet,”
“Can I open it now?” I ask
“No way, they’d kill me.” Just on queue, Jake and Violet run over to us.
“Did you give her the present?” ask Violet and Jake in unison. There twins and do every thing together. They both have blonde hair and green eyes, and they are both skinny.
“No, of course not,”
“Well then give it to her” Jake and Violet again. Janet hands me a square package. I rip it open. I look up at them.
“What don’t you like?”
“Are you kidding…? I love it, I love it too much for words” it’s a silver picture frame with delicate detail and a picture of Janet, Jake, Violet and I at the school disco that was last month. If I don’t say so myself even I look good in this picture. I give them all a huge hug just as the bell goes. I pay no attention in any of my classes, not even art; and art is my favorite class. I barely even talk to my friends at break. When the bell goes for the end of the day I say goodbye to my friends and run half the way home. I can’t wait to get home. I shove my hand in pocket and root around trying to find my key. I put the old, slightly dusty, key in the door.
“I’m home,” I hear voices in the kitchen, so I walk in. I see a man beside my mum. He is wearing a crimson cloak with white fluff on the outsides. He is also wearing a crown on his head; it has a few jewels on it. He has a brown beard and brown curly hair under is crown. Just like mine (the hair, not the crown) only my hair is frizzier. Wow, my mums boyfriends just keep getting weirder and weirder. I decide that I won’t talk to him.
“Roxy, this is uh… Bill” Bill looks at her confused and my mum just shrugs her shoulders.
********************************************************************************************************************************************************************
What do you think so far?
By the way, Roxy finds out that is thhe princess of a magic relm called casiba and 'bill' is her real father(is name's not bill, it's something
weird, just don't know what yet." when she gets to casaba her hair turns blue and she has pale skin. Would this be a kind of book you would read? If i write more i will put it in 'Add Details'
Thanks in Advance =)
Also do you have any advice for people writeing a book for the first time?
more:
“Is this her?” Bill asks my mum,
“Yes, it is,”
“She’s beautiful,” I see Bill looking at me fondly at the corner of my eye. If he thinks I’m beautiful then he must be blind. I have frizzy brown hair that looks like it’s just been blown up and my skin is the same color as a salmon. On top of that I was fat.
“Well, I’m going to go upstairs and do my homework” I lie.
“No, don’t bother doing your homework now,” that’s a first. “I have to talk to you.” Why is my mum acting so weird? Then again, she is near Bill.
More:
. I sit down at the table.
“The thing is Roxy, I’m not your mother,” I can’t believe what I’m hearing. What is she talking about?
“Of course you’re my mum. Are you giving up on me or something? You can’t quit being my mum!” I say panicking.
“Calm down, I would give you up for the world. But I’m not your actual mother; I’m not your birth mother.”
“You can’t be serious.”
“I’m deadly serious,” I look in her face for a sign of a smile or jokiness. Her face is as serious as a brick.
“Then who is my mother?” I ask, trying hard not to lose control or cry.
“Um... I’ll get to that later.” There is a silence for a minute and then my mum, I mean Jules, speaks again. “And this is your Dad,” she points at Bill. No wonder she never talks about my dad. “And is name isn’t Bill, It’s Phalanx”
“Okay, I’m going to my room now”
“No wait, I still need to talk to you,”
I sit back down and sigh.
“You are… there is no easy way of putting this but” I hold my breath. “You’re a princess”
“I’m a what, now?”
“You’re a princess. You’re the princess of Cascabar, and Pharalanx is the King.”
“I’ve never heard of Casaba,”
“It’s Cascabar, and you’ve never heard of it because it is a magical realm,” I cut her off
“Filled with elves and pixies” I say laughing. “Your taking the joke to far now mum,”
“I’m not joking,”
“If I’m from Cascabar then why am I here in Dublin?”
“Do you mind if I cut in?” asks Pharalanx (Fa-ra-lan-ks). Jules, my so called ‘mum’, nodes.
“Well, your mother and I sent you away because it was unsafe.”
“I still can’t believe this, why would you tell me this now?”
“Because you’re sixteen, and now it’s time for you to learn how to rule the kingdom,” I look over at Jules and she nodes.
“So what does this mean?” I’m beginning to get worried.
“It means your going home”
“Home meaning?”
“Cascabar,”
“No, no way. There is no wa
on this earth that I am going to Cascabar. I want to stay here.”
“You have to move to Cascabar,”
“I’m not visiting Cascabar, let alone moving there” Jules looks at me sternly.
“Your going to pack your bags right now,” she says just as sternly. I run upstairs with tears in my eyes. What about my friends? What about Jules? She can’t get anything done without me
I stare out the widow. The wind seems to throw it’s self at the house. A branch of the tree outside hits the window and I back away, thinking it’s going to fly right through the glass. I go downstairs and find my mum sitting at the kitchen table, her head in her hands.
“Mum, are you upset on my birthday?” I sit down beside her,
“no of course not, I’m very, very happy.” She looks up at me and I notice that her eyes and red and puffy, but I don’t say anything.
“Did you get me a present?” I ask cheekily,
“of course I did,” she hands me a small, yet promising package, wrapped in pale blue paper. I rip it open and squeal. She got me a small, see-through crystal hanging on a silver chain.
“Can I put it on?”
“Yes, I’d love if you did,” I put the necklace on and I feel safer, somehow more at home.
“Well, I should be getting to school; I don’t want to be late on my birthday.” My mum unlocks the door for me and tells me that she’ll she me at half twelve. I get a half day every Friday, but I never knew why. I walk against the wind trying to stand my ground.
When I got to school one of my best friends, Janet was there
“Happy Birthday, love your necklace. Was it a present?” says Janet.
‘Yeah it was, and thanks.”
“I got you a present, well not just me. I got the present with Jake and Violet,”
“Can I open it now?” I ask
“No way, they’d kill me.” Just on queue, Jake and Violet run over to us.
“Did you give her the present?” ask Violet and Jake in unison. There twins and do every thing together. They both have blonde hair and green eyes, and they are both skinny.
“No, of course not,”
“Well then give it to her” Jake and Violet again. Janet hands me a square package. I rip it open. I look up at them.
“What don’t you like?”
“Are you kidding…? I love it, I love it too much for words” it’s a silver picture frame with delicate detail and a picture of Janet, Jake, Violet and I at the school disco that was last month. If I don’t say so myself even I look good in this picture. I give them all a huge hug just as the bell goes. I pay no attention in any of my classes, not even art; and art is my favorite class. I barely even talk to my friends at break. When the bell goes for the end of the day I say goodbye to my friends and run half the way home. I can’t wait to get home. I shove my hand in pocket and root around trying to find my key. I put the old, slightly dusty, key in the door.
“I’m home,” I hear voices in the kitchen, so I walk in. I see a man beside my mum. He is wearing a crimson cloak with white fluff on the outsides. He is also wearing a crown on his head; it has a few jewels on it. He has a brown beard and brown curly hair under is crown. Just like mine (the hair, not the crown) only my hair is frizzier. Wow, my mums boyfriends just keep getting weirder and weirder. I decide that I won’t talk to him.
“Roxy, this is uh… Bill” Bill looks at her confused and my mum just shrugs her shoulders.
********************************************************************************************************************************************************************
What do you think so far?
By the way, Roxy finds out that is thhe princess of a magic relm called casiba and 'bill' is her real father(is name's not bill, it's something
weird, just don't know what yet." when she gets to casaba her hair turns blue and she has pale skin. Would this be a kind of book you would read? If i write more i will put it in 'Add Details'
Thanks in Advance =)
Also do you have any advice for people writeing a book for the first time?
more:
“Is this her?” Bill asks my mum,
“Yes, it is,”
“She’s beautiful,” I see Bill looking at me fondly at the corner of my eye. If he thinks I’m beautiful then he must be blind. I have frizzy brown hair that looks like it’s just been blown up and my skin is the same color as a salmon. On top of that I was fat.
“Well, I’m going to go upstairs and do my homework” I lie.
“No, don’t bother doing your homework now,” that’s a first. “I have to talk to you.” Why is my mum acting so weird? Then again, she is near Bill.
More:
. I sit down at the table.
“The thing is Roxy, I’m not your mother,” I can’t believe what I’m hearing. What is she talking about?
“Of course you’re my mum. Are you giving up on me or something? You can’t quit being my mum!” I say panicking.
“Calm down, I would give you up for the world. But I’m not your actual mother; I’m not your birth mother.”
“You can’t be serious.”
“I’m deadly serious,” I look in her face for a sign of a smile or jokiness. Her face is as serious as a brick.
“Then who is my mother?” I ask, trying hard not to lose control or cry.
“Um... I’ll get to that later.” There is a silence for a minute and then my mum, I mean Jules, speaks again. “And this is your Dad,” she points at Bill. No wonder she never talks about my dad. “And is name isn’t Bill, It’s Phalanx”
“Okay, I’m going to my room now”
“No wait, I still need to talk to you,”
I sit back down and sigh.
“You are… there is no easy way of putting this but” I hold my breath. “You’re a princess”
“I’m a what, now?”
“You’re a princess. You’re the princess of Cascabar, and Pharalanx is the King.”
“I’ve never heard of Casaba,”
“It’s Cascabar, and you’ve never heard of it because it is a magical realm,” I cut her off
“Filled with elves and pixies” I say laughing. “Your taking the joke to far now mum,”
“I’m not joking,”
“If I’m from Cascabar then why am I here in Dublin?”
“Do you mind if I cut in?” asks Pharalanx (Fa-ra-lan-ks). Jules, my so called ‘mum’, nodes.
“Well, your mother and I sent you away because it was unsafe.”
“I still can’t believe this, why would you tell me this now?”
“Because you’re sixteen, and now it’s time for you to learn how to rule the kingdom,” I look over at Jules and she nodes.
“So what does this mean?” I’m beginning to get worried.
“It means your going home”
“Home meaning?”
“Cascabar,”
“No, no way. There is no wa
on this earth that I am going to Cascabar. I want to stay here.”
“You have to move to Cascabar,”
“I’m not visiting Cascabar, let alone moving there” Jules looks at me sternly.
“Your going to pack your bags right now,” she says just as sternly. I run upstairs with tears in my eyes. What about my friends? What about Jules? She can’t get anything done without me