I'm trying to write a different type of poetry...is it decent or how can I improve?

K

Krystal

New member
I've been writing poetry since I was about 15. I have at least 5 notebooks full but most of it is very dark. It was my stress release for so long. I'm happy now so I haven't been writing and I miss it so I tried something a bit happier. Honestly, is it cheesy?


Lips hovering against mine
Savor the heat of this closeness
Passion pounds through my body
As the tension seals our mouths
Damp and staced together
Moving so naturally, pulsing
Trying to pull ever closer
As if souls themselves could be
Welded together with a kiss
The seams smooth, as if
We were never really in two
Our love for each other
Cycling through our veins
Entertwined, merged as we
Palpitate adoration
In a constant ebb and flow
As our souls thrive eternally
Thus does my love for you
Forever, my only lover.

Haha I felt like such a cornball typing that out lol!
 
This is one of the best poems I have read on this Yahoo Answers site, EVER.

Powerful, strong, entertwined with a feeling of melancholy even though it is meant not to be. I absolutely love it!

Few things that need improvement in my opinion:

Try and stay away from the million adjectives that you are using. It is almost too much to read.
Do not cut the line off with "as if- We were never really in two"
Keep it in a single line, breaking it up is archaic.

There are also a few cliches, i.e. "Lips hovering against mine"
Done before.
"In a constant ebb and flow"
Done before.
"As our souls thrive eternally"
Used to death.

When writing a love poem, break away from SOULS, LOVE, KISSES, TEARS and VAN GOGH. Lol.

"Forever, my only lover". Remove that line. Felt like a Jane Austen novel. Keep it with, "Thus does my love for you."

And no, don't feel like a cornball. It is really, really well written.

Wow.
 
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