I'm trying my hand at poetry. How's this for a stab? Be honest now.?

U

Uxorious

New member
I'm so, like, drinking wine
Which is cool and really fine
Err, something something yoghurt
Yeah, let's hug a guy called Burt

My life is like the Zodiac
Because I drive a Pontiac
And even though ... er ...
Something blah blah Braniac

I'm so in love with my pancreas
And also with my spleen
That my guts spill all this poetry
Oh yes...erm...I get that keen

And James Bond is the dude
(...something about being rude?)
Er...life is for the living
So you just keep on giving
And Bond will keep on kissing Moneypenny
I ...... think my aunt was called Jenny

Don't go pulling any punches now, I need it straight, help me to grow here, what are my chances?
 
This is very entertaining, creative and interesting. I'm no expert. I only know what I like and I like this. It made me smile. Thanks for sharing.
 
It sounds like you'd enjoy Ogden Nash poet of humor. Almost all poems can stand some polishing. I think you're sincere and want sincere good and bad criticism. Your idea is original and meter is good.
However, lines 4, 8 and 12 have what is called a "forced rhyme". It doesn't flow smoothly. Same problem with line 18. The poem is entertaining (a good and chief goal) with whimsical touch.
You need to take out the "ers" and "hmms" which are just filler. A good poem has some of the following tools used effectively: metaphor, simile, internal rhyme, alliteration, irony, onomatopoeia, meter, repetition. Get to know these tools like a good carpenter would know hammers and nails. These tools make your communication stronger and the poem stronger. Also, don't forget word pictures! Let us smell, taste, hear, feel, and touch the objects and theme of the poem. These are sound principles. I hope this helps.
 
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