I'm a little bit emo.

M

marchingbrassgirl28

New member
Ugh...

Ever been at that point, where nothing seems worth doing? Where you don't want to even try, because you're too tired of trying over and over, just to get put back in your "place".

I don't know why I keep taking my meds. It's a fucking pill, not a cure. I feel better for a while, decide that I can do it on my own, only to find out that I am incapable of living without pills. My medical insurance only covers 12 therapy sessions a year, and that's not enough for me. I'm thinking about using my husband's insurance policy for more sessions in therapy, but I am not sure how that all works.

My social life is a wreck, I can't keep a friend right now to save my life. I've basically cut off anybody that has ever hurt me, which leaves a very small list of people left. My marriage is only "there", and it's not fulfilling, mostly due to my inability to get off the damn couch. Partly due to the fact that my husband is getting fat and lazy, and only occasionally takes his own meds for ADD. It seems that my entire marriage is based on the fact that I forgive my husband for his lack of ability to see any task all the way through. I also know that living with a sack of flesh that can't seem to get off the damn couch isn't fun for him either... Not saying that I don't do my part around the house. It just sucks to be the whipping boy at work all damn day long, only to come home and see the kitchen a mess, laundry all over the bedroom floor, and having to "interrupt" my husband while he's plaing video games to get his damn help.

I feel like a bitch for asking for his help. He seems frustrated with me for making him miss that bitching head shot in America's Army. He's got his headphones on and can't hear anything going on in the house unless I go and physically get his attention. Then he chastizes me for startling him... Maybe if I were more interesting, it wouldn't be so hard to get him to pay attention to the daily tasks that are required for "our" life to function.

Anytime I feel like talking about what's going on, or doing something to break the monotony of my life, he has something negative to say about it. If I feel like going to see a movie, and it's not one he really has a strong desire to see, he bails out. We compromise, and I end up seeing some movie I really didn't have a strong interest in, but at least he's happy, right? If I make plans to be social, he's got something else he wants to do, like stay at home playing video games. If I come home and have a drink, he calls his parents to talk about how he's worried about me, yet he leaves the house to visit with friends without me, leaving me at home with my beer...

I keep using the month of April as a "light at the end of the tunnel" point. It's the month that my husband and I are going to go through diving classes and get certified to dive. I'm holding on to this idea that having something to do with my husband will help bring us back together. He told me just yesterday that due to his viral, respitory infection that he may not be able to start the classes in April, and we may have to wait until June to get into another class. I seriously broke down... He's hoping he'll be well enough by the 8th of this month, and he even went to the doctor and got antibiotics to help. I hope it works.

So, yeah. Meds. This stupid little pill that I am supposed to take every day for who knows how long is supposed to "save" me. I know I'm supposed to be the one to save myself, it's not a hard concept for me to grasp. I just wish that I had somebody that I could trust with my feelings and delicate mental state to talk to. You'd think my husband would be available for that role, but if you've read this whole thing, you'd know that wasn't the case.
 
As someone who's been with the Monty Psychiatry's Therapeutic Circus for a couple of years, I feel entitled to say that pills are not designed to cure you. Nobody said that they will cure you, unless your psychiatrist is a contestant for the Biggest Douche in the Universe Award. They are there to make your life easier which, ignoring the often horrible side effects, they do for some people. For others, they're just that little thing you swallow every day.

The greatest problem whenever you're depressed, wether you have a disorder with a superawesomemegacool name or one that sounds like a horrible STD, or if you're 'just depressed', is one of attitude. Pills won't save you, nor will an army of therapists.

You rescue yourself.
If you feel you're in the shits, you're in the shits. You'll eat it, drink it, feel it for every day until you decide that crap isn't worth it.

And yes, I think everybody has experienced that point where you're not willing to try. But either you try, or not. And when you fail, you try something else. Some people are natural born losers, but every dog has its day.
 
Aww, hun. No great advice to give you, but hang in there. :hug2:

I wish I lived close to you, you need a girls night out. Won't solve the problems, but it would be fun anyway.
 
I just keep those things that seem interesting on my mind. Diving will be fun, maybe it will help my husband and I find something we can do together and enjoy. His dad has a nice boat, and is also certified to dive. It will be a good summer with stuff to do outside of the house.

I might also find new and interesting people while going through my dive classes. Maybe I'll even make a new friend or two...
 
Awwww... Shami :hug2:

Ok, I'm here to give you a little advice that you may not want to hear but it comes from a place of love and respect.

Don't wait around for your husband to come around on this diving idea. If he's making excuses now he may always make excuses. Take the course with or without him. I know this is the idea you've hoped would bring the two of you closer together but don't let someone else keep you from enjoying life.

If you start in on the course he is likely to follow. If you don't take the course, summer is right around the corner and if you aren't diving by then you are going to be really upset and that will only add to the stress in the house.

Speaking of the house, put your foot down, this is your marriage too and it sounds like someone needs to take the helm.

Plus, talk to MaxPower about diving. He's quite the diver and I'm sure would be happy to talk shop with you.

More hugs to you. Hang in there sweetheart.
 
I assume by pill you mean anti-depressants?

Sweetheart, DON'T STOP taking those pills....they're supposed to reverse the chemical imbalance in your brain that causes depression, and not taking them regularly is almost as bad as not taking them at all. Furthermore, see if your insurance will pay for part of the cost and you make a copay, because while pills alone work, research has proven that therapy and pills work the best. If you can't do that, definitely see about using your husbands, because you need to see someone regularly. TRUST ME on that. My father's job is to educate doctors on certain pharmaceutical drugs, and one that he educates a lot of doctors on is anti-depressants.

As for dealing with your husband....sit down and have a very serious discussion with him. Tell him what's bothering you, tell him you don't like how he treats it when you have a beer, tell him everything you told us. Don't tell him you want him to change, just let him know what's bothering you. When you're done, ask him for his input. If it becomes obvious he's not interested, just stop what you're talking about and walk away. If he cannot take the time to pay attention to you when you're trying to resolve things that are really hurting your marriage, then you might want to consider a divorce. Any man that cannot spare the time to pay attention to you or be there when you really need them doesn't deserve you.
 
First, stop drinking alcohol if you are on meds. You are just medicating yourself and it interferes(?) with your meds.

Second, talk to your husband about hiring a maid to come out once a week or every other week. (this is a life saver)

Third, maybe have a date night. Make the games off limit for one night a week a month, whatever you find reasonable.

Fourth, take care of yourself- Emotionally, Mentally, Physically, and Spiritually. You have to take care of yourself because no one else will/can.

Finally, go out and have some fun. You deserve it.
 
Its called quiting the sessions...you do know those don't work anyway. Its called..."Dealing with it". As well, don't be drinking while having the meds unless you want to yourself a wee sucide if thats the case be my guest.
 
I think everybody who's gained enough maturity in life has felt like this at one time or another. Maybe not with the same issues but the feelings are there for all.
I've been through a few revolving doors with therpist and meds. I have many more ' aqquentcis ' then true friends that I trust. The last year I've been going through some family issues as well ( long story ) that's left me more or less out of touch with them. Zero social life.
And it's fucking hard and it sucks balls. Yes the concept is helping yourself, so why feel bitchy asking others' for help, or doing things you like to do. Sometimes we get so caught up in others' needs and the worries of tomorrow, we forget about ourselves. If we can maybe remeber that ' self ' and apply it to our needs today it can lead us back to the ' place ' we need to be.
 
Shami,

I don't know you well (I don't think I've ever talked to you personally more than once or twice) but from reading your posts I can tell that you are a fun-loving, good-spirited person. Please view this as what it is: a rut that you can get out of and NOT a reflection that you are not worthy or incapable of a better lifestyle that pleases you. You can be happy and you deserve to be.

Have you talked to your husband about this? Not as in a "you're doing x and y wrong" kind of way, but in a "this is how I feel and I need help" kind of way? I hope that could be the first step to feeling better.

Another important step is to tell your doctor if your pills aren't working very well! If you are constantly off and on them it is VERY hard on your body. The chemical changes in your brain from going off and on anti-depressants or other brain chemistry-altering drugs are severe and should be taken very seriously. Talk to your doctor. If you want to stop taking the pills, there is probably something that they should be doing (switching your dosage or switching medications entirely).

Please, if you are like me you will write yourself off and try to tell yourself not to worry. But you deserve to be happy! Make the steps. Talk to your doctor, your husband, your family. Don't delay!
 
Icky, I would agree with talking to the husband like that. But from the sounds of things it seems like he's quite a bit more self serving than you realize. I am going through seeing the same kind of situation with my step-daughter and my new son-in-law. This guy is a lazy whelp, always has been. He sits on the computer endlessly, just like Shami's hubby. He hasn't had a job for a day since he even started dating my step-daughter. He doesn't like to go out... just likes to sit there on the computer all day and play WOW or C&C. His attitude is so negative about things that I can hardly stand to be around him.

I even refused to go to their wedding stating that; I would support her and be there for her, but I really felt she's marrying the wrong person. She married young and she doesn't see it... but I'm sure she will with time. I see my step-daughter take out her frustrations with him on her mom, others in the family... even her own dogs! I don't think she even realizes that she's misdirecting all this anger about him onto other people, it's like she finds ways to be mad at others and not him.

Shami, I feel for you (haha, I almost wrote fell), I really do. I don't think that going through this class together is going to be the fix-all for the two of you though. I do however feel that you should go through this course by yourself. Shami, you need to work on you. I believe it's time that you took a little "personal time". Of course you're still married, and you're still at home every evening... but I mean that I feel that it's about time that you need to concentrate more on you than you are on the marriage. By concentrating so much on the problem in the marriage, I believe that you're neglecting what YOU need for YOU to feel better about YOU.

Go through this class YOURSELF, spend some time reflecting on YOU and what YOU need to better YOUR situation within YOURSELF. I'm not correct 100% of the time (no psych student or even a professional psych ever is), but I believe if you do this rather than trying to work on the problem in the marriage right now... then by the time you feel that you're more centered with your own self, you'll probably be able to see the solution or be more likely to come up with a solid game plan to improve your marriage.
 
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