i wrote this poem, what do you think?

L

Lola

New member
a simple day,
through dawn till dusk
just her, a telescope and a song to hum

talent is limited
or so it seems
with every hopeless reach

and with every hopeless reach, a dream will fall
and with every fallen dream, a star drops from the sky
and with every shattered star, i'll pick myself up again

and be a million pieces of hope, put back together
for the one millionth time tonight
 
I really like it, but I have a suggestion:

I think
"and be a million pieces of hope, put back together
for the one millionth time tonight"
doesn't really go with the flow of the rest of the poem. It doesn't really feel like an "ending" to me.

Hope that helped, and I hope you don't mind constructive feedback :)
 
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