D
Deepy W
Guest
the clipping is of a romance part of the story. its taken somewhat out of context, so im looking more for feedback of the formation of thoughts as well as the storytelling. the "a, b, and c" in the story in italic font represents characters i have yet to name of develop. any constructive crit is appreciated. the word family here means a strong group of friends. it is only a draft so far, so don't expect any extremely beautiful grammar.
"Look at me" she said as I started to walk away from her and everything I left behind so long ago. "Look at me!!!" she said again, this time much louder. It wasn’t her voice, but the echo of her voice which screamed through the night air that sent a cold chill through my soul. I couldn’t help but to look back at her. Then I walked back. She completed her sentence. "…like you used to" her eyes were glassy. She was so strong. But she couldn’t fight the tears back any longer. I had little time to word exactly how I felt. I let my words flow. "For so long, you have looked at me with that pain in your eyes. and even now, there is nothing I can do".
"What do I have to do to make you look at me again, the way you used to, to look at a again the way you used to. At b. at c. to look at you family again.. Then her words became almost mumbles. The emotions and tears were vividly carried through the words. What do I have to do? What do I have to do, she said again. Silence entered. For what it seemed was so long, silence stayed. "Why did you come back", she mumbled, tears still streaking down her face. I had no answer..so she answered for me. "It’s because you couldn’t let go. You can’t let go. And now you’re holding on more than ever”. As she said that, her head fell on my chest. The weeping now turned to cries. She asked again, her face against my chest, this time as if she was whispering to my heart, “What do I have to do”.
"You have done enough. Now, lay your head and rest”. The three forbidden words weren’t needed to be said as I pushed myself away from her, and walked away into the silence of the cold dark night. It started to rain.
excerpt 2: this i actually plan to place far early in the story.
...so i let my words flow.
"i missed you...a lot. for some reason, you were the only one i was able to think of. not a. not b. not even the people i pledged to protect. heh. i often found myself asking if you were thinking of me, as i was about you."
i found myself looking down. i was embarrassed by what i said. i sounded like such a loser and so desperate. i was thinking about things too much and too fast again until my thoughts broke as she started talking.
"i did think of you. i thought i was just being a little girl...but now with what you've told me...ive missed you, very much, almost too much."
i went blank. all i could do now was stare through her in amazement. i found myself looking down again, but this time with a smile on my face.
"thank you", she said.
"for what?"
"for missing me."
i let out a breath of a laugh."why wouldnt i miss you?"
"why would you?"
"i love you". as i said that everything went silent. even the wind that was blowing her beautiful red hair against her face died down. her eyes seemed almost empty. it felt like time itself stopped.
"..."
i knew i had to say something. i couldn't help what i just said. i had to change this moment. i had to make something out of this. i had to recover from this mistake.
"i hope that didn't come out too cheesy. i spent the whole trip back trying to word that right without sounding so--"
"hey..stop talking." she cut me off. i was ready for a verbal lashing. i felt terrible and sick. after all she went through, i should be aware of her feelings. it was so obvious. what was i thinking. was i thinking? these thoughts raced through my head so fast that i COULDN'T think. i attempted to stumble for words, but before i could say anything, she finished what she started saying.
"i love you too."
i felt like i went dead.
"Look at me" she said as I started to walk away from her and everything I left behind so long ago. "Look at me!!!" she said again, this time much louder. It wasn’t her voice, but the echo of her voice which screamed through the night air that sent a cold chill through my soul. I couldn’t help but to look back at her. Then I walked back. She completed her sentence. "…like you used to" her eyes were glassy. She was so strong. But she couldn’t fight the tears back any longer. I had little time to word exactly how I felt. I let my words flow. "For so long, you have looked at me with that pain in your eyes. and even now, there is nothing I can do".
"What do I have to do to make you look at me again, the way you used to, to look at a again the way you used to. At b. at c. to look at you family again.. Then her words became almost mumbles. The emotions and tears were vividly carried through the words. What do I have to do? What do I have to do, she said again. Silence entered. For what it seemed was so long, silence stayed. "Why did you come back", she mumbled, tears still streaking down her face. I had no answer..so she answered for me. "It’s because you couldn’t let go. You can’t let go. And now you’re holding on more than ever”. As she said that, her head fell on my chest. The weeping now turned to cries. She asked again, her face against my chest, this time as if she was whispering to my heart, “What do I have to do”.
"You have done enough. Now, lay your head and rest”. The three forbidden words weren’t needed to be said as I pushed myself away from her, and walked away into the silence of the cold dark night. It started to rain.
excerpt 2: this i actually plan to place far early in the story.
...so i let my words flow.
"i missed you...a lot. for some reason, you were the only one i was able to think of. not a. not b. not even the people i pledged to protect. heh. i often found myself asking if you were thinking of me, as i was about you."
i found myself looking down. i was embarrassed by what i said. i sounded like such a loser and so desperate. i was thinking about things too much and too fast again until my thoughts broke as she started talking.
"i did think of you. i thought i was just being a little girl...but now with what you've told me...ive missed you, very much, almost too much."
i went blank. all i could do now was stare through her in amazement. i found myself looking down again, but this time with a smile on my face.
"thank you", she said.
"for what?"
"for missing me."
i let out a breath of a laugh."why wouldnt i miss you?"
"why would you?"
"i love you". as i said that everything went silent. even the wind that was blowing her beautiful red hair against her face died down. her eyes seemed almost empty. it felt like time itself stopped.
"..."
i knew i had to say something. i couldn't help what i just said. i had to change this moment. i had to make something out of this. i had to recover from this mistake.
"i hope that didn't come out too cheesy. i spent the whole trip back trying to word that right without sounding so--"
"hey..stop talking." she cut me off. i was ready for a verbal lashing. i felt terrible and sick. after all she went through, i should be aware of her feelings. it was so obvious. what was i thinking. was i thinking? these thoughts raced through my head so fast that i COULDN'T think. i attempted to stumble for words, but before i could say anything, she finished what she started saying.
"i love you too."
i felt like i went dead.