I seriously need help. FML.

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viper1651

New member
Chest pains have subsided a bit, but every time I get up from sitting/laying down for a long time I get really lightheaded and feel like I have heartburn for about 30 seconds.

I can't be alone. I keep repeating one scene in my mind no matter how hard I try to block it out or distract myself. When Chad was coming around a turn near KMart, he had the bike tilted so low to the ground that it was scraping off the pavement. I was scared shitless that we were gonna just lay the bike down and I was gonna lose a limb, or just get my skin torn off, and I keep picturing it happening that way over and over and I don't know why. It upsets me severely, and mostly only happens when I'm alone. Like I said before...I know Brett needs his space but he's really the main person I want around, and I'm so scared of driving him away by being too needy. I've explained it to him and he doesn't seem worried, but of course other people's reassurance never appeases me.

I don't want to be in my own head sometimes. The weird dreams, the fucked up thoughts, the panic when I'm alone...I just don't know what to do sometimes. Having Kane home distracts me a lot, but he's not here on the weekends. Brett works all weekend, and I can't make my friends cancel plans they've already made. I've tried sleeping the days away but I can't just sleep all day. I watch movies but don't really watch them. I get online, and if someone else is on I'll be distracted until they get offline, then I'm alone again. I try to read about things I'm interested in, and I'll learn some new stuff in between repeated visions of my leg being ripped off at 90 miles an hour.

I don't have insurance for a grief counselor or psychiatrist or anything right now. I should here in 2 weeks, possibly 3. I just need to find something to distract me to cope until I can talk to someone who isn't going to blanket me with the same repetitious "Everything's gonna be ok." I know this. It doesn't stop my brain from producing images of me being ripped apart. I know everything's gonna be ok; I know it deep down somewhere. But another part of me seems to think that I'm gonna jump in a time machine, go back to the accident, and do it all differently and worse.

I hate being human sometimes.
 
For the tiniest bit of reassurance it may be what you're going through is well... almost expected. After an accident that you had gone through flashbacks and painful memories are bound to find their way to you.
At first I would have suggested a councilor or psychiatrist until you had mentioned that. At this point I really don't know what advice or help I can offer other then not worrying about being too "needy" at this point. Honestly, I see that to be the least of your worries.
Is there any friend you can go to that would be willing to just sit down and talk or literally sit there to just listen. I don't know what you're doing to cope with this emotionally, but sometimes the solution could be as simple as getting it off your chest. If you aren't really talking to anyone about this maybe the reason you keep going back to it in your mind is because you're subconsciously trying to find a way to release it.
As corny as this may sound you can try to release your emotions through any sort of artistic form whether you do any sort of music, writing, or painting.

This obviously isn't a full proof solution, but it's the best I've got. I hope it helps you even in the slightest. Best of luck.
 
I've told my friends. I always get the same thing: "Everything will be ok eventually." And it's because none of my friends or my fiance have ever been through something this traumatic, so I think they just don't know what else to say.

And with my left arm in a sling and my right splinted, I can't write or play my violin. I'm lucky to be typing.
 
Not trying to be callous... but the more you focus on these feelings (whatever's making you feel bad) the more depressed you'll become.

You need to keep your chin up... and just do as much as you can given your circumstance. Don't focus on could haves, would haves, should haves or even the things you can't do. Instead, focus on the things you can do... the things you have done and the things you will do. Nothing you can do and nothing anyone can say will change the situation. The only thing you can do is heal, prepare for the future and enjoy your break.

As shitty as the circumstance is... it is a bit of a vacation. Relax... watch movies.... eat food that you shouldn't.... enjoy what you have. Attitude is everything. I think that these "scenes" is your mind trying to help you let go. Just try to forget about it until you're better able to deal with it.
 
That's the problem. I know I can't go back in time, I know none of that is ever going to happen, and I try my hardest to keep myself from thinking about it. But it's really hard to keep it completely off of my mind when everyone's always asking me about it; every time I see someone I havent seen since before that day, they want to know every detail. It's to the point where I want to type out a fully detailed description of the accident, my injuries, and what I've accomplished so far, complete with a cover letter and personal references. I know a lot of people, and for some ungodly reason I'm really well-liked in my small community, so damn near everyone in this tiny valley is worried about me and wants to know whats the haps. It's nice to know so many people care, yet frustrating to have to repeat the same shit over and over, keeping everything fresh in my mind.
 
You know you can say "hey go ask so and so... I dont feel like talking about it." Or you can just say... "I'll tell you later."

You shouldn't keep repeating it, especially if its affecting you, simply to appease people's curiosity.
 
That's actually a really good idea. Writing it all down might help to clear your head of it a bit.

Then when people ask you about it, you can explain to them that you would rather send them your story via email.
 
A. It's really none of their business.

B. You're under no obligation to tell them.

C. When you consider the alternative (that re-telling the story each time is hindering your recovery), feeling a little rude seems like a better scenario.
 
Wouldn't you want to respect the situation and not invoke the very thing thats going on with you onto someone else?

Right now is not about other people... its not about you brushing someone off... its about your mental and physical well being. After everything is said and done... the people you "brushed off" will understand. And if they can't understand then they're selfish fuck bags.

You should not have the capacity right now to even think of the feelings of others... you need to go into survival mode and make yourself come out of all this a better person... not concentrate on the feelings of others and let yourself spiral into some abysmally affected state.

When everything is over... people will understand.
 
What Kr8 said.

Anyone who wants to know the gory details of your accident and wants you to recount it to them (now) is a sick fuck and you shouldn't give two shits about them.

Your friends (your true friends) only want to know that you are ok.
 
QFT. Totally. Your place in this situation is not to "be nice" to everyone and retell your story to every person who asks.

Your place in this situation is to get through it. In one peice, mentally and physically. It'll take time and work, for sure. And having to constantly retell your story to person after person isn't going to help anything.

So...yeah. Just my two cents.
 
Besides, reverse the roles for a second... if you asked someone about a horrible accident they were in and they said they really didn't feel like talking about it, are you going to think they are being rude? No.
 
Bathory, you've been traumatize by this accident. Trauma takes time to recover from. The bad dreams, the flash backs, the panic attacks... it's all part of the healing process.

I've taken some liberties in searching for some things that might aid you.

Surviving Trauma

Headroom - Lounge

At this given time, your body is healing faster than you're processing and coping with the accident. Give yourself time to heal mentally.
 
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