I need to rant, because at this point I dont know what to do anymore. Should I

S

Suzie

New member
just give up? I hate this :(? So, sometimes when I am really honest with myself I realise that i do need to go through some type of therapy. The truth is, that I will never get into a relationship until I talk about my demons in the past. As much as I have issues with men, I have alot of issues with myself as well. Yes, there have been a few men in my life who has, violated me, hurt me, stole my innocence... but I let myself become the victim and I let it eat me up inside. So I guess I am partly to blame for my sadness, self hatred, insecurities. If I would have worked on my issues sooner, a lot of how I feel about myself could of been prevented.

I absolutely hate my body, I feel like it is disgusting. The thought of someone else seeing my body gives me an enormous ammount of anxiety. I have not gone to doctors quite a few times because I am too scared to be touched/looked at. I get so jelous of people who dont care who see's their body. Or who get into relationships and arn't terrified of the sex part. I am terrified of sex. everything about it scares me. Everytime a guy touches me i feel like im being molested. Even though i'm not. Its definately not very often that I let a guy touch me anyway. When i do its because I am testing my limits, and testing the guy too. I just dont understand what is wrong with me.I am scared that I am going to be like this for the rest of my life. I dont want to be alone. Even if I act like I dont want a boyfriend, I really do. I am lonely, and I get sad when I see other couples, even unhappy ones, because I want to really experience a relationship. Not one that I got into just for the drugs, and for his looks... that just got me raped in the end.

Which brings me to not only hating my body... I find it so hard to like men. Really hard. I dont have many guy friends because I don't trust them. I judge everthing about them. I cant stand it! I just can't trust them. When i do find a guy that I am attracted to, im to scared to pursue him. Or the guys that I am attracted to have girlfriends, or wives. Id rather not be a homewrecker. I know what my type is, but there are not alot of men who fit into that catagory. So what is there for me to do? Im so lost in all this, and I don't want it to ruin my life.

My depression, insecurities, anxiety, fears, all pretty much revolve around men. The things that I hate about myself are all caused by my fears, anxiety, low self esteem... And these things make me want to kill myself. I don't want to be the person who is always alone. I don't want to be abandoned. And I don't want to keep pushing people away that care for me out of fear that they might hurt me. Im losing hope, I feel like I am cursed or something. Or I am insane. This is my rant. I'ver never told a soul these things, but it needs to come out. Better to a bunch of strangers than someone I know, who could hold this against me. :( Should I just give up on everything??
 
If you have the ability to go see a doctor about your depression I def would, you will never be happy with someone else til you are happy with yourself. About the sex thing, I used to feel the same way, I was so afraid to get into a relationship with a guy because I was afraid he was going to expect it and that I wasnt going to be ready and that I wouldnt enjoy it, because I had been with a guy before when i wasnt ready and I HATED it. But if you wait and find the right guy he shouldnt push you, it should all come natural. You said you are disgusted by your body, but you did not say why, if it is a weight problem then I would suggest trying to do something about it, start exercising and dieting, after time you will feel that the exercise will help with the depression as well as it is good for your mental health
 
Do you honestly want to give up? I'm going to assume not, since you've taken a step and reached out. Take a step back and take a breathe. What is it that you want? Don't give that same answer of a boyfriend or happiness. What is it, specifically, that you want? Sometimes all it takes is one specific goal.

A few years ago I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, social-phobia, etc. I took craps loads of medicine and was still unhappy. Day after day I waited for it to get better. It didn't. So I cut myself. That made me feel worse, so I did it again. I wasn't sure life was worth it. I was alone and depressed. I honestly don't know what made it change, but one day I decided I didn't want to live like that. I wanted more. I was tired of feeding the evil inside. Small steps. I made myself smile when I first woke up. Cheesy, I know but it actually worked. Today I'm not on meds and I've joined a gym (I, too, dis-liked my body). There are moments when I freak out but I just take a breathe and smile.

There's an organization that was a lot of help. "To Write Love on Her Arms"
 
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