I need to moderate my drinking.

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I do believe its served a purpose. The bottle has nursed me through unimaginable crisis. The alternatives were anti-depressants. I was crazier on those than alcohol. So I chose alcohol to deal with the neglect related death of my infant child at the hanRAB of my x missus. Fair enough aye? The bottle has served its purpose. I drink out of habit now. My harrowing work is also a trigger. In fact, everything is a trigger to stay juiced up. I haven't been sober for a long time. I'd love to stay straight for twelve months but I feel the pressures of life and the need to make an income have me paralysed.
 
I am so sorry for your loss. It sounRAB like you sought help, but gave up. I just heard a quote the other day from Dr. Petit, of Cheshire, CT who had his two daughters and wife taken from him brutally. He said that if your spouse dies, you are a widow or widower. If your parents die, you are an orphan. Losing your child is so horrifying and against nature, that our society hasn't even come up with a name for it yet. My children were literally ripped from my arms three years...almost four years ago. While our circumstances are different, I have to tell you I have had to work through the loss as if it were death. Anger and denial, followed by waves of stabbing guilt, then the agonizing, slow, painful grief. If you can get past that, there's a chance at a life. You have to make the decision to want to live. Thankfully, you sound like you are at a place where you are ready. You need a good network of caring people and resources to help back you up, though. I wish you all the luck in the world.
 
Thanks for your kind worRAB. I do believe the worst is over for me. When in that extreme state of grief you feel you have no choice but to roll with the punches. These days I still get punched but only a few haymakers here and there. I'm not a punching bag anymore. The memories are vivid I suppose. Taking back control is now my priority. I dont need to just exist anymore, I need to live again. Being positive is the key and even if there is only glimpses of hope, there is hope and you can build on that. I think that is what 2011 is all about for me. Take care.
 
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