I need poetry advise, plz help?

D

deannasherman13

New member
Okay, i need to know what u think about this poem...i have to turn it in for a grade on friday. tell me what u think.


The sounds of the pacemaker,
almost bring pain to family and thy,
but as the center of the body dies, it takes me down,& almost kills me

Barely breathing, sleeping deep,
his fate is near,
Looking at him, holding his hand,
it was almost hard to NOT shed a tear
 
try changing
"but as the center of the body dies, it takes me down,& almost kills me'

to

"as the center of this body dies,
it takes me down,
nearly kills me"

it helps sometimes to cut out words like, and or but.
the less words the better, like how "and almost kills me" becomes "nearly kills me"
 
it's not bad, but it could be better. the key thing to writing poetry is to open yourself to the writing. be elaborative, open your mind
 
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