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Donsilvio
Guest
Alright, here's what's been going on. In 7th grade, though I also had thoughts about girls, gay images would frequently come into my head, though i wasn't excited by them at the time. These thoughts went away for a bit until after my 8th grade year. Then in 9th grade, I felt aroused by guys. It was weird cause sometimes, I was more attracted to guys, but other times, I wouldn't and I would be drawn to women. Now I feel like I'm into guys more than girls, but that has always been changing. One thing that keeps me from deciding is these few things. 1st, after reading stories about guys coming out of the closet, I noticed a common thing. These guys didn't oppose the thoughts of being gay, and actually embraced them. When they found out, they were like "okay, I'm gay, cool." I, on the other hand, was horrified at the thought of being gay, and still kind of am. 2nd- I'm a little embarrassed and I feel akward about saying this, but sometime ago, I tried to perform oral sex on myself(with little success). But another thing that I remember from those stories is how the gay men talked about when the first time they had a gay sexual encounter, they immediately knew they were gay, and they immediately thought "wow, this is the best thing that ever happened to me" I didn't feel like that. I felt sort of awkward, and I felt uncomfortable. There was a thought constantly going through my head of "dude, this isn't right, this is wrong," and i stopped. I did look at gay pornography a few times, and though I got sexually excited, at the same time, it didn't seem right or natural what those guys did. After masturbation, I felt kind of guilty, and I almost hated myself, something that was the exact opposite of the gay men I read about. One thing I want to make clear is that I do find women attractive and I find myself staring at alot of girls in my class. Maybe I am bisexual. But I think that since my gay actions made me feel bad and guilty, and hate myself, I don't think that my inner conscience or my inner self would ever accept being gay. I read about how some guys are "hetero-romantic" and "homosexual" meaning that they are romantically attracted to women, but sexually excited by men too. If I could really chose, I would choose a straight life. I enjoy looking at women, and I don't want to die of AIDS when I'm 27. And I'm a little religious, so I don't know what to do. Please give advice.
