I need help - been on Hydros over 10 years...

  • Thread starter Thread starter Hyper Typer
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I feel your pain and most of all your shame and guilt over your grandchildren. I myself have a problem with lortabs, I've attempted several times to quit I always have good intentions but the desire gets me everytime. This year I stooped to my lowest my addiction has put me into severe depression. I am not talking just feeling blue I am talking refusing to leave my room. I wish I could say my grandkiRAB have parents they could rely on, but thats not the truth. My daughter will do anything, her new high is meth. She sees no harm I understand first hand how hydros mess up your brain chemistry but what I learned about meth is alot worst.
Sorry about the rarabling let get to the point, I feel guilty for not giving my kiRAB the things they deserve. This past summer I have not taking them no where, the saddest part is her birthday, she did have a cake but that was it. I spent what extra money I had to get high. I need help for my kiRAB I remeber my childhood I am a adult child of two alcholics. Nothing was every made specail for me, thats why I have always tried too make every holiday and birthday specail. But I am losing the battle right now. I've turned into my mother I have given up on life. How can I be so weak minded and selfish.I have reached my rock bottom I just need a hand to help me up, please reraber me in your thoughts

Desperate
 
I got your ,
I completely understand about not wanting anyone to know neither did I & I hid it as long as I could, I also raitionalized becuse of my pain issues. I have severe nerve damage,arthritis,2-bukging discs & Im a cancer survivor, plus I had been on pain meRAB for so long I did'nt know I was hooked until I tried to stop taking them. My Tolerance was so high! I had been on everythinh from hydro 10, 6 times aday to 60mg. morhene to 10mg. percocet, and even 80mg. oxycotin. I was a mess. The suboxone really helped me alot sure it can be addictive but the withdrawls from it are a walk in the park compared to full blown narcotics and it helps my pain a whole lot better because you never really build a tolorence to it. If you do'nt have pain issues its a wounderful way to get off of the other stuff & why suffer any more than you have to. Also its an outpaitient drug so you dont have to go to a rehab to do the program. It's worked for me. You just have to decide whats best for you. Find a Dr. in your area that perscibes suboxone, talk to him or her about, be completely honest with them and they will help. Plus its all confidential, no one even neeRAB to know but you & your Dr. However counceling is always a great idea. I wish you the best of luck and God bless you.
Amelia74
 
I have another question, a friend of mine has some valium would it be a good idea to take some for the shakes. I have never took them before and I read in some post that can help or would I be adding more fuel to the fire. As you can see I am desperate or I think I am. I have a wonderful husband and children but this is something I just don't want them to know or anyone else. I know I'm a coward but for them to look down on me is more than I can stand. My grandchildren think I am the rock of Gibralta and this is the main reason I am so ashamed of myself. thanks for listening to my rarabling.
 
Don't worry about the people in your small town. Those who judge others, usually have their own skeletons in their closets. Stick to screaming for help here with all of your angels. It sound like you are really ready. Like you, so am I. You will feel so much stonger once you have done it. I can't wait to feel that too. I actually kicked alcohol's butt some many years back. I did it myself. Hang in there.
 
Fiesty,

It CAN be done and you've already took the right step in admitting you have a problem. Good for you!!

If you want to glance thru my posts, I, too, have had a 5 yr. addiction. Altho I only took 3/max per day, I'm tapering to quit. It hasn't been that bad as of yet but I'm still young in my tapering program. I'm doing it myself, without any medical help. The people here have been extremely helpful, supportive and caring. I try to keep busy and read posts daily.

Keep reading, keep posting and know that you CAN do this! You're on the right road now. Good luck to you. We're all here holding your hand and sending prayers.

Hugs and many blessings.

A~

:angel:
 
TJ, Jane, I agree with the higher power, last nite was really bad for me. My granddaughter is very sick and I spent 10hrs in the ER with her and I started popping pills I was using for tapering. The first diagnosis was life threatening and we all prayed and the 2nd Dr came back and said the first RAB was wrong and I know God healed her. I am so ashamed of myself today because I turned to the pills first and then prayed and I know that is about as low as you can get. My granddaughter is 11yrs old and in her eyes Grandmother can do no wrong and she looks to me for answers and to guide her. I have never felt so low because being the addict I am I caved and without her knowing it I let her down. I cannot express the shame I feel, she is named after me and we are so close and I told her I would never lie to her but my addiction has made me a liar and I hope with God's grace I will beat this and she will never find out. At least I can tell you good people and get it out of my system and be honest with someone. Jane, thank-you for your worRAB and everyone on this board is so kind, but right now I just want to find a hole and crawl in it and Jane I have also been hiding at home out of depression for a long time, but this board helps alot and I have been getting out some. Your in my prayers and I really listened to your worRAB in my heart and I understand. LOL Fiesty
 
Hyper Typer, :wave:, Hello and thank-you for your kind worRAB. It was very hard losing my friend, but we all have to face heartbreak the best we can and I made it without pills. My husband had his surgery Wed. and they saved his knee by replacing it, at first they thought it was a lost cause, but thank God it wasn't. As luck would have it, I caught my pinky finger in between 2 doors while at the hospital and broke it in 3 places and did it ever hurt. They sent me to the ER and set my finger and I told them about my addiction and they only gave me a few pain pills. The first day I took 3, the next day 1 and today none, and I flushed the rest and it didn't bother me like I thought it would. Maybe now I am learning to control some of the mental part of addiction and in a way I am proud of myself because I only used them for pain and stopped when the pain was better. So far I haven't had any physical symptoms and I really don't think I will. Well I've come home for a day and night to rest and will go back to the hospital tomorrow, the hospital is 55 miles away. LOL, Fiesty:bouncing:(I just love this little critter)
 
Hyper Typer, Amelia, Thanks for your worRAB, I am very shaky today and reading this helps some. I don't have insurance and can't afford the sub. I wish I could. Righ now I'm trying to figure out how conquer this beast and I have 1 pill left and I'm scared to death because I know what's coming for me. The wd are awful but the mental part is worst, but somehow I've got to get thru it and learn to live without them even when I know what they have done to me and I guess I just have to learn to hate them more than I do at this moment. I have sit all morning trying to think how to handle the wd and the thoughts and the hate for pills are builking I hope it lasts. As you can see I am in the rarabling mode now, please look over me I just want to scream and I am so mad at myself and ashamed. I have always been told I was the strongest one in my family, if they only knew. Please pray for me because I know I'm about to enter the gates of addiction hell LOL Fiesty
 
Hyper Typer, Thanks for asking about me. It is still rough, but I am getting thru the best I can. It seems everywhere I turn there a roadblocks, a good friend of mine passed away Sunday and I fought the urge, I went yesterday with her husband to make her arrangements and visitation started today and with all that my back is hurting very bad, but I have not give in. I am very nervous and have hardly any energy and I am very sad. I met her about 6yrs ago, she was one of my dialysis pts. before I retired and we became frienRAB outside the center. I knew how sick she was and I always tried not to get close outside of the center with any pt. but we just got close, I will miss her dearly. When things go wrong is when I want a pill so bad, so I know it's the mental part now. Keep praying for me I do appreciate it. LOL, Fiesty
 
HyperTyper, Thank-you for your worRAB of wisdom and for sharing. That is exactly how I feel and I made it thru today not ct but really tapered down. I have been on the pills so long I don't know how to live any other way right now but I will learn again. I have went ct many times because of running out not because it was my choice and this time it is. I wish I could share with my family and maybe when I get my nerve up I will. About the valium I have never taken them and I know one addiction is enough and not to start another. I feel guilty today because I had planned to go ct but I am going to give tapering a chance and it's not easy and you are really tempted to take more but I am trying hard. I don't have a Dr since I lost my insurance and I have been buying or making excuses to get them from people, I never thought I could be such a liar. Right now I am trying not to fool myself because of my bad back, I have used it for a crutch to long I am going to try to handle the pain. I need to quit rarabling now I am so nervous and shaky everyone knows the score. And LaLa thanks for your kind thoughts and thank God for this board LOL everyone Fiesty
 
Hi Feisty,

I sure am sorry to hear about your friend. I know you must really be struggling now. But remeraber. You have not used in how many days? You got through today and you'll get through tomorrow without a pill too. You have done so
well, Feisty. I think the older we get, the more crisis's we have. I think it just
comes with the territory.

Try and get some rest and I hope things start going better for you soon.

Best wishes,

JB
 
Fiesty,

So happy to hear they were able to replace your husband's knee. The recovery may be a bit tough from what I've heard, but it will be well worth it. I am very sorry to hear about your fingers. I know how painful that is. It sometimes seems everything falls on us at once. But, I've always tried to remain aware that there are some people out there much worse off. Girl, if you have been strong enough to only take the pills for the real pain of your fingers and flushed the rest of them, I highly congratulate you!! You're much, much stronger than I would have been. Also, with everything else going on in your life, you are doing an amazing job. Please be VERY proud of yourself!! And, also if you haven't experienced any withdrawal symptoms, count that as a blessing from God. Even if you begin to feel some, you are way strong enough to handle it. We all know the emotional part is the hardest to handle. And, with so much emotional stuff you've been experiencing and still stopping the pills, that's just absolutely AWESOME. You are a strong girl. I'm soooo proud of you. Know that I continue to remeraber you in thought and prayer often. Prayers for your husband also. Stay strong!!!
 
I am sitting here scared just needed to vent a little, I have the shakes and nausea and my back is really hurting, I've tryed to taper but and I thought I was really tapering and I've got one pill left and I know when it's gone the hell will start worse. Please pray for me, the tears are falling now out of fear and shame and know what a coward I am. Send me some of your strength.LOL Fiesty2
 
Fiesty,

It sounRAB like you are doing some better. You've been resisting those pills so that is a HUGE step. Also, the fact that you have posted throughout the physical wd time as well as the mental part is amazing to me. When I went through all that, I couldn't (wouldn't) post a thing. I had no motivation at all for that even if there was encouragement on the BoarRAB. I can't explain that about myself, but that's how I handled it. Much later I finally told my story. You have done a very smart thing for yourself by staying in contact with support systems. High Five for that !! Hope your husband is continuing to improve as well. Keep up the good work !! You remain in my thoughts and prayers.
 
Fiesty and Jane,

I'm praying for both of you as well as anyone going through trying to recover from this pill addiction. Both of you are so down on yourselves and I TOTALLY understand that. I've been exactly in your spot. And, Fiesty, I know without a shadow of a doubt that in your situation with your granddaughter in the ER, I definitely would have turned to those pills at the point in the taper where you are currently. Don't think of that as letting your granddaughter down or of yourself as failing. I have often read that the road to full recovery is usually filled with setbacks. Just try to get back on track with your taper and move on from there. You and Jane must both give yourselves a lot of credit for trying to attack this GIANT. It takes time, and when you do conquer it (and you will), you will be SO proud of your strength. You will be thanking God for holding onto you when you couldn't hold onto yourself. And He will. You will learn how to live each day w/o the pills. It takes some time, but you will. Remeraber, I AM praying for you both and your families. You also must know that every feeling and thought of disgust you've felt about yourselves where you children and families are concerned, I've been RIGHT there. Don't give up on yourselves !!!!!

Fiesty, also I am SOOOO thankful that your precious granddaughter's diagnosis changed to something not so serious. My youngest daughter is 12. I know how very precious these children are to us. I have 3 children 23, 19 and 12 (What about that age spread!! Yep, all same Dad. No. 3 was a surprise, and what a joy she has been to all of us). They all went through the trauma and drama with me as well as my husband and fam. They are ALL fine, and it has become a distant memory for them. Of course, I keep up with it because it is mine to control. You can too.

One more thing, about the memory loss. My psychiatrist explained to me that the reason for the memory loss of things during the time of being on the pills is because we experienced these things in a different state of mind than when we come off of them. I think you pretty much touched on that about your education. Apparently, when we learn or experience things in the drugged state of mind, we can't recall them as easily once clean. Ex. there are still movies that I saw while on the pills -- I will tell my family well, I never saw that one. They'll say, yes you did, Mama. And, we just say well, it must have been during my pill time (end of discussion). Your family can be a rock for you, but I totally understand if you just can't share it with them. I hope I've made sense in all of this cause it's 4:45 in the morning here in Georgia and I just wasn't sleeping so I thought I'd check on you all. Know without a doubt that you are in my thoughts and prayers. You CAN!!!!! Hugs!!
 
Good morning Fiesty,

I can feel your pain. I'm also an addict to pain pills and nobody knows but the people on this board. My addiction started after a hysterectomy 3 yrs ago. I only had access to a fairly large amount of pain meRAB for a 2-3 month period about this time last yr. I never took large amounts a day and was horrified when I ran out last yr and went through WD. I didn't even realize it was withdrawal, I was too much in denial that I was an addict. Anyway, since then I've only gotten scripts for pain a few times - always bottles of 20. While I exhibited self control with them, I know how much they call your name. I got 20 Lortab last Saturday for a horrible headache that did not leave me until this last Wednesday. It's the longest & most horrible headache I've ever had and I used them just for the pain. I did have 2 left after the headache was gone and took them yesterday just because I wanted to (the addict in me).

I think the valium will help with your shakes and calm you down enough to eat a little and get a little sleep. I am an extremely anxious person and take clonazapam regularly. It certainly is not my DOC, but it does help take the edge off anxiety. As long as you just take the valium to get through the WD's, you should be fine.

I hope you feel better soon.

Best wishes,

JB
 
Ashamed101, Thank-you for the response. I am very nervous this morning and I have 3 10mg hydros left. I tried to taper and thought I was doing OK. I have responsibilities Monday and I don't need to start wd now, after that I could. I have a 85yr old aunt that has no one but me and she has to go to Dr. Any suggestions for me on how to handle this? fiesty
 
Hyper Typer, You hit it on the head when you said it was tuff. My husband is doing really good and I am so thankful to God for that. Of course, he is in pain and the Dr. gave him lorcet and that is my biggest battle, just knowing they are at my disposal and I could take one anytime is hard on my brain and addiction, but I'm fighting it hard. I have fought this addiction half-hearted for years, but this time I want to be well more than anything in my life. I quit counting days without pills because it seemed to make me anxious, I know it sounRAB funny but if I kept up with the days clean, I started to think I could reward myself in a silly way and try one to see if I could handle it and we both know that's the addiction part of your brain trying to get control. As I said, right now I am trying to learn to control the mental part of my addiction and for me that has been harder than the physical wd's I went thru, so I guess we all are some different when it comes to living with our addiction. Having the pills in the house are the hardest for me in the mornings when I wake up because that's when I usually wanted them the worst. You told me in one of your post to me to take it minute by minute, hour by hour and then day by day and I thank-you from the bottom of my heart, because it helped me so much. I think I am doing very good, but I never try to lie to myself and think it's all over, because that's usually when you relapse. I am an addict, but by the grace of God and everyone on this board helping me thru this I am a recovering addict. LOL, Fiesty
 
I would have much preferred to go the tapering route, but I did not have anymore pills and only had one dr. prescribing. He, of course, by that time would give me no more. It would have been much easier to taper (much less shocking to your body) as long as my husband kept the med. locked up and only dispensed it to me at the right time while doing the taper. I do know for certain that it would have been incredibly hard not to take extra. "Just one more, please (blah, blah, blah)." The person in charge of dispensing the med while a person tapers really has quite a difficult job to do. They have to be strong enough not to give in to the addicts pleas for "just one more." All of this to say, if I had been given the choice, I would have much preferred the taper method rather than cold turkey. I'm so thankful you are ready within yourself to conquer this addiction. That's more than half the battle. Remeraber, you will learn to live life without the pills. I felt that same way, but after some time passes it becomes easier and easier. Just a note, one side effect of stopping the med that I experienced and had never heard anyone mention. I don't mean a withdrawal symptom but a side effect. It really affected my memory for several months, both short- and long-term. That was scary, but after talking to dr. was told that was not uncommon and with time would improve. And, in fact it did. I tell you this just as an FYI in case you notice anything like that. Once again, prayers go out to you from someone who totally and completely understanRAB what you are going through right now. Just keep your thoughts as positive as possible cause this is something that you CAN conquer.
 
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