I need advice.....

[IZZYFATAL]

How do you find the answers to problems when they all are cluttering your mind? My severally disabled son will be 18 in a few weeks, and due to my health issues I have had to lean to others for inhome care for him for the past 5 yrs. He was shaken 17 yrs ago by a ex and the anger has never came out,. I just have lived numb and done what I was suppose to do to help him survive. When the DR's told me he would not live another 48hrs I prayed and made promises that if I was to leave this hospital w/ him I would care for him the rest of my life. A promise I feel I now am breaking. My health is deteriating and I live in pain everyday living on pain medications just to do the simple things in life. I know I made the ultimate sacrafice and gave up all my dreams to care for him and to give him a chance at life, but now I look at my life and I am unhappy. I have lean to others for help for caring for him, I want the chance to live a little for myself, but I feel that is wrong. Yes, I am helping others w/ employment and he is getting what he needs, but I am not there for him as I promised I would be. All those years of mental pain I kept inside and never spoke to anyone of what I was really feeling, Never shared all of what I went through as my son fought for his life, not that I didn't want to, but because everyone knows me as the strong one. When I have tried to open up people make me feel like a burden and become distant or angry in some ways. But, now seventeen years later the clutter of emotions just w/ the daily existance of all other issues I can't even think anymore and feel like I just want to scream.....But, again everyone has looked to me of a person that can with stand anything, I solve it all....No matter what I say people will not realize I have weakened over the years not strengthened.....Now I ask myself at 44 yrs old, do I place my son in the hands of another and try and regain something in my life that was me, or continue through out as I have. The guild and hurt I would feel is unknown at this point because i have so many mixed emotions to know what to feel or think.....Personally i feel I am going crazy.....any advice on what to do???? ......