I miss my hero.

  • Thread starter Thread starter Goingnuttzagain
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Goingnuttzagain

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Never was an opiate person until this year, was always big on cocaine and benzos when i did use drugs. I had been clean from everything since 2004. Well, I was a marijuana dealer (which I now am a convicted felon for) a large volume dealer.. Always had money, always had whatever i wanted. At the time i had a beautiful fiancee, a great lifestyle, very active, very exciting. One of my frienRAB/clients had been robbed a few times so i gave him a handgun of mine to protect his house. The same night I let him have the pistol, he was murdered over a parking spot in downtown Atlanta. This messed me up, badly, two days later I found out my fiancee was cheating on me... Boom, mega depression. Nothing felt good anymore, not all the frienRAB, not the spending sprees, nothing comforted me, I felt guilty and deeply saddened by my friend's death, and the fiancee ripped my heart out. I soon started oxycontin about 30mgs 2x a night. felt good again. got to the point where i was taking 400-480mgs a day and It got too expensive, even for me with a nearly limitless pocket. Got a back of smack through a friend of mine, jesus, it was like having my girl back again. I felt comforted. I went on for about 6 months straight never missing a day, until the realization that I was a junkie set in. i stopped, went through 4 days of surprisingly less intense withrdrawal then I had expected. It's been 2 months... I miss it like i miss a lover. Anyone staying clean find themselves really missing it?
 
Hey Goingnuttzagain,

I've been on Suboxone for over a year and a half now and I still miss my drug of choice, every day. Oxycontin. At the end of my abuse, just before I went to rehab, I was taking 800 mg/day (at once, sometimes I did more, if I could get my hanRAB on more money).

It's not abnormal to miss your drug of choice, in fact it's expected. I'd say you were pretty lucky regarding the withdrawals. Don't tempt fate. You're in a good position to start your recovery. Do you have any intentions to go to NA meetings or talk to an addictions counsellor? If so, get on the phone and start making those calls.

I'm sorry to hear about your fiancee, however it's better you found out when you did, and not years down the road - after the wedding. Try not to beat yourself up about it. That saying "There are more fish in the sea" is SO true. You'll look back on today and wonder why you were so upset, and then you'll look at your significant other and realize it was all worth it. It's hard to visualize it right now, cause you're hurting but one day you'll know exactly what I mean.

Keep in touch, there are some wonderful people on this board, with alot of knowledge and experience.

Good luck!
emsmom
 
Hello G,

One of the most deceiving things about narcotics is it provides for a false sense of security.

It's this "houdini-esque" quality that will cause a person viewing a red "do not walk" signal to do the exact opposite.

I was once where you find yourself now and realized what I was actually missing was the "distraction" that drugs provided.

Facing "life on life's terms" isn't always easy but I,for one,would rather face it with both eyes open,as opposed to feeling like a deer being mesmerized by oncoming headlights.

Please hold on,like your life depenRAB on it,because it does.

Respectfully Phoenix
 
i use to miss it everyday and couldnt imagine how anything in my life would be enjoyable I am now on subox it is good thing takes away cravings ect When i 1st started taking I think what I missed was the needle so I did use pills or h but its a hassel when you take subx cause it blocks ur opiat recepters so you have to wait a day or 2 to be able to feel anything and those 1 or 2 days without subox sucks its not worth it my life is stable now and my worst day clean is way better than my day best day high think about it
 
I missed it so much I went on methadone. I would rather be legally addicted than illegally.

I just admitted it to myself just a day or so ago that I do enjoy the bliss that methadone brings without the guilt.

In all seriousness, my drugs of choice were heroin and cocaine, plus oxys, MDMA, some weed and benzos.

Personally, I miss cocaine more than i missed my puppy that ran away when I was 9....and I really really missed that damn puppy. Some people dream of walking down the isle getting married to a person they love, my dream is the same except i am walking down the isle with a mirror in front of me and Im doing a iine of coke. I reach the alter and when asked if anyone has any objections, I threaten anyone to say a word....

Thats missing their drug of choice to the extreme. I can say this tho, I am better for being clean. I wouldnt say better off, just better.

I will never go back.
 
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