I made a love poem for a girl I like.. I need alot of thoughts please?

R

R.I.P. Hip Hop 1978-2003

New member
Your heart is a kettle
I want to melt inside
When I wrap around you
Chills run up my spine
That perfume of yours
Fumigates an entire room
Your cinnamon legs
Spices up my life
Your lips make mine tingle
My tongue locks in place
Whenever you’re in sight
A good to my bad
Being around you,
Everything seems right
The world stops
People stand in place
Just me and you
Face to face
If we build a relationship
An eternal bond will be formed
My feelings for you
Cannot be torn
 
Mate, I guess you want to woo the girl right??

Then I hope you wont mind my few cents in:
Firstly you have to use imagery that is sensual and attractive to girls.
"Your heart is a kettle" ---- Kettle for a heart?
"Fumigates and entire room"---- Fumigation is related to either fertilising a crop field or sterilising an unclean room in the hospital.

I am sorry for being so critical. But you have to read your stuff and assume that people are going to do their worst in interpreting what you have meant. I don't know what you can use for "Your heart is a kettle",
but as for "Fumigates", how about just "Fills an entire room"? Simple and subtle and no room for false interpretations. I think the rest of the poem is good and you should do all right.

All the best
 
I don't think you want to say "That perfume of yours/ Fumigates an entire room." Unless you're wanting to poke fun at her perfume...Like it's so strong it makes all the bugs want to leave.

I think she will love it regardless, but I would like to have read more description about what she does to you. I think that the lines "Your cinnamon legs/ Spice up my life" are definitely your best, from there it just sort of fades into a bunch of cliches. But those two lines are great, I think you should try again from there...
 
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