Warrior Cats Biggest Fan
New member
...so here's a few of my jokes for old times sake!
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."
"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"
"Yes," the other bat answers.
"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."
Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic?
He stayed up all night wondering if there is a dog.
A pregnant woman gives birth to twins, 1 boy and 1 girl. She slips into a coma just when she’s about to name them. She awakes 2 hours later. The doctor says, because you were in a coma your brother named your newborns. She replies, oh no what did he call the girl? The doctor says 'Denice' she says that’s nice. Okay what about the boy 'Denephew'
There are three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After awhile one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
"Well, just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
His friends were amazed! "What happened then?"
"Well, then she said, “GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN”
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.
The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.
Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."
There is a blonde, a brunette and red head, they hear about this mirror in the girls’ bathroom at this restaurant that grants wishes. You get one wish, but only if you tell the truth, or you go to hell. So the brunette walks in and says, "I am the richest girl, in the world" *poof* she disappears, so the red head tries, she says, "I’m the prettiest girl in the world" *poof* she disappears, so the blonde goes up and says "I think...." *poof* she disappears.
I met a blonde yesterday. She:
* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
*she thought a quarterback was a refund.
*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
*she tripped over a cordless phone.
*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
*she studied for a blood test.
*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."
"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"
"Yes," the other bat answers.
"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."
Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic?
He stayed up all night wondering if there is a dog.
A pregnant woman gives birth to twins, 1 boy and 1 girl. She slips into a coma just when she’s about to name them. She awakes 2 hours later. The doctor says, because you were in a coma your brother named your newborns. She replies, oh no what did he call the girl? The doctor says 'Denice' she says that’s nice. Okay what about the boy 'Denephew'
There are three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After awhile one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
"Well, just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
His friends were amazed! "What happened then?"
"Well, then she said, “GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN”
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.
The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.
Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."
There is a blonde, a brunette and red head, they hear about this mirror in the girls’ bathroom at this restaurant that grants wishes. You get one wish, but only if you tell the truth, or you go to hell. So the brunette walks in and says, "I am the richest girl, in the world" *poof* she disappears, so the red head tries, she says, "I’m the prettiest girl in the world" *poof* she disappears, so the blonde goes up and says "I think...." *poof* she disappears.
I met a blonde yesterday. She:
* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
*she thought a quarterback was a refund.
*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
*she tripped over a cordless phone.
*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
*she studied for a blood test.
*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER