I have no personality !? WTF halp.

M

masterofninjas

New member
Seriosly. 22 Years old male (body at least). I have no gender self identification, no desires, no world views, no aims, no goals, no nothing i am blank.One thing i still have is the body i am born with and which have grown over the perod of time which was my life so far.

For one thing my sexual orientation is definitly leaning towards females, as i preffer their odor, outlook, touch, and overall feeling and presence. I think i am a mental whore. All i like to do is listen to other people talk and fuck them (if they are women, and not my mother or any other close relative, in which case, which is weird, i don`t even wanna hear em, coz i automaticly know i don`t want to fuck em and thus even listening to em is pointless. This goes for basicly all males (don`t even want to listen to em, because i finde no point in what i am hearing) there ever are/will be. All i can do with another male individual is to get myself drunk sensless and talk/blab till i am tired and i don`t really get tired of talking, i mean i can do it for like 6~7 hours straight, and of course no one in his right mind would want to listen to that.).

Everything in me is dualistic but since i guess thigs still can`t go beyong 1|0 / black/white patten what i get in reality is nothing no 1s no 0s just absolutely nothing if it was between black and white it could have been described as gray, but there is not even a color, no nothing.

I belive in god and i don`t. (in fact and this is just in between sentences, but FUCK GOD, FUCK you BITCH for not killing us all !!!, just grow some balls and do it) I want to love and i want to kill and i don`t know which i want most. Of course i want to love more but this goes only towards females and beautifull ones that is. They themselfs of course have no interest in me. Someone will say i am misstaking being horny with love, but fuck it. The facts ARE for me loving is fucking and fucking is loving. Everything else comes on the side, not that i don`t like it and that i don`t want it. But i JUST WANT TO FUCK. Is what i am thinking about is what i am craving is what i want. To love and to fuck, to fuck and to love one nice hot girl. It`s what i tought will reignite my life (as in me wanting again to get proper education, respective job with decent sailary, home children)... but now i am realizing that is not happening. Reigniting my life. I am beyond the point that even satisfing my dreams will make me happy coz i simply hate life as it is. I don`t like the way people interact with themselfs i don`t like the social institutions i don`t like the society. I hate universities i hate goverments, i hate towns i hate HATE HATE HATE HATE. How come everyone is such a fucking retard and still managing to be so much happier than i am. I see people who shouldn`t be allowed to even walk a dog due to the dog being threatened of their fucking imbecile stupidity and incapability to grasp the enourmousness of it all and yet they do it. They just go on and do it. Being happy. It is impossible for me to imagine where they finde their happiness and yet i can pretty much tell it right of the hook. It`s happening due to their feeling of collectivness. It`s in fact what God is. The collective subconcnous minde of us all. The shere pleasure of being next to another human being. Our collective will. The outer net (as oposed to the internet which. we've build ourselfs, and is of course irrevirsibly changing that outer net...). This is i guess where i am failing at. I guess i am... don`t know fading away from that outer net. I think i've never been that connected coz i never had proper connection with no human. But it`s everything i was striving for with my every social action. To reconnect. And the most viable way i found was trought the touch and the intimacy of woman. From then onwards i would have worked my way towards society, at first i tought i can lead it, but i wouldn`t have cared even if i was led as just being part of one of the many, but the happy ones. I got acces (and ever have gotten and will ever get, besides my first time and the paid connections... if you know what i mean :P) denied.

And it all happened waaay to fast. I've come to not like the way society works, and want to fuck and kill em all at about the same time i reallized i am not getting any woman that i want. I am not getting any woman that i want due to the society we live in and i do not want to live into the society due to not getting a woman because of it. It`s reeealy hard to explain. I don`t like the social order. I am born to be on top of it (and in at least one fucking way i am with my stupid 1.92 meters) but nower days you even have to work for it. And if you refuse to do so even for a second you get .!. (and i was refusing to actually do something for quite some time... like 22 years, because i could simply well afford to do so, not knowing better) Now it bited me on the ass, but there is no coming back. Second chances are like twice as hard as the first one and since you've failed the first easy one... the second chance is an automatic ilusion. If you try it you might in fact suicide for real, so you just stay idle till you die which is completely unproductive for the society so it itself well... (english is not my native language)... pulls back from you. And you are basicly left with your own free will (true freedom) which can lead you to only one of two choices. To want to rage and fuck and kill every fucking everyone else (or the third viable option is to actually love everyone, but love goes two ways and if you love but you feel nothing in return... because i guess the only way i can feel love is via stroking my penis... which is rather... weird but a fact) or to kill yourself. And if you have even a bit of decency or no balls... well the choice is obvious.

I don`t have the balls to leave it just yet + i am fucking curious of how much worse can it get. I am serious i live to see only how much more messed up i can become. I think it will be some fucking excruciating, shamefull tribute of misery in which i will at certain time become homless/sick and dead but it will be in at least... well shit load of years so i can feel it all in details. I refuse to live and yet my heart beats and my lungs keep getting fill themselfs with air. And since i am pussy (don`t even want to think what is it to die from starvation) i keep stuffing food down my trough. Coming to think of it, i do it with pleasure due to gluttony, well at least for the first few bites before i remember how many times i've tasted the same taste and it basicly becomes tasteless so i am just chewing and swallowing. When i say pleasure i mean some micro brief moments of satisfaction when the proper does of Dopamine is released inside my brain as a reward i managed to keep the pile of meat and bones going.

I doubt you are getting that "no personality thingie". To put it as simply as something like this can be put in a simple way. I cannot lead myself and yet i DO NOT want to be led i just fucking want to STAY. But to stay as in where? In my home... it`s not so cool my home, my town, it`s not so cool my town, my country... well my country just plain sucks, my countinent. Well the continent (Europ) is OK but it`s waay above my current reach and in order to broaden it (the reach, i have to reintegrate myself into society i fucking hate) and + besides the cool sight seings i will still find just lots and lots of people i am not so sure i actually like. I mean, some of them i might like, some i might not, but as a whole they are just... people with their own ways of life own world views, and since i have none of that myself everything from outer sources is to bright and painfull and overwhealming for me to struggle with. So where was i. Oh yeah, continent. Than comes the world. World is another way to say life itself coz you live in >>this world>> Nothing
 
I am bored of writting now so i will roll a blunt, smoke it on the terrace hoping no fucking neigbour will see or smell what i am doing, than i will jerk to a Phoenix Marie doctor`s adventures porn, than i will play Leage of Legends, than i will sleep (coz i will play LoL for no less than 8 to night hours straight with some pauses to eat, shit, watch anime) non of this will satisfy me coz i've done exactly the same 10000of times and i don`t really like that much any of it. But it`s all i can do. And when i woke up tomorrow it will be basicly the same with small variations, coz i am runing out of joint and i currently have not enough moneny to obtain more. Thus when i start feeling completely useless or my dad finaly decides it`s time for me to pay a rent for the room i live in and the food i eat, i will go at that working site. Work there for like 8 hours a day. and still do the same i am doing now, minus those 8 hours of pointless grunting. Since there are not many hot chicks moving around messy construction sites i will hardly dig any. And since when i got to a bar or a disco what i usually do is sit in some corner and get drunk till i am anoyed of drunking and watching girls which i will never be able to fuck (i might in fact wanna cry a little in the process, but i will simply suppress is it via grinding my teeths or another gulp of wiski, or vodka if i don`t have enough money than go home, lie in bed wanting to cry/scream/shit/roar/rage due to the fact that i am yet again alone. Than sleep, repeat...)

This is about it. If you actually found it interesting there is more of it in my blog which suck ass and nobody reads it anyway:

http://george4ir.blogspot.com/2010/06/i-want-love-please.html

OFF TOPIC: WHY the FUCK the limitation in this forum is some mere 15 000 characters. When i wanna write i wanna write and when i can`t post my writtings it pisses the shit out of me. You Won`t die if you make it like 25 000 characters or something .!. do it bitches.
 
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You're not happy because you're a loser. It wouldn't matter where you lived, what you did, who you fucked; you'll always be a loser.

Don't ever count out suicide.
 
tl;dr but I skimmed. Seriously dude, I's get capitalization when they are alone. Think of them like superheroes. Like clark kent and he's alone in the phonebooth, or when mario is alone and chompin' on shrooms. They get bigger, and better. Now try forgetting to capitalize your I's. You've been warned.

Next up, no one has "No personality". I can agree, you might feel this way, but what your personality seems to be is quite clear. You are tortured, depressive, and perhaps you should go see a shrink. If you had no feelings about anything, the post you made would have never existed, because you'd have just shrugged and moved on with a blank stare instead of putting up such an emotionful post. So chin up, there's hope for you yet! It's now up to you to turn that frown upside down!!
 
I only read about half of your life story up there, but I have a few bits of advice:

Stop with the negativity. It doesn't serve you, it just makes things seem worse and worse. Sure, life seems fucked up at times, and most people are self-centered, irresponsible, ignorant pieces of shit, and don't seem to be worth the effort... But if you look for what good there is in people, and in the world, and focus on that, you will bring more good things to your attention, and you can turn your mentality around 180 degrees.

When life seems pointless, I find that a good inward journey of discovery can help. If you've never tripped, get your hands on some acid, shrooms, salvia divinorum, peyote... whatever is available in your area, and go on a quest of self-discovery. It can change your whole perspective on the world, and show you a new path in life. The first time you trip, it's like having your eyes opened to a whole new aspect of the world. There's things going on underneath the layer of reality that we can see and hear and touch... Things that are normally invisible to us. Seeing the world on that level can give you a fresh outlook.

On the other hand, too much of these things can cause one to loose touch with reality, and make life seem more meaningless, so if you already do this frequently, maybe taking a break would be a good idea.

Find something that you love, and pour your energy into it. Make it your primary focus. Finding a way to feel good about yourself, and the world you live in will help you see more good all around you. I can't tell you what it is that will work for you, you have to figure that out on your own, but start by trying new things, and feeling good about having new experiences, and eventually you will find your happiness.
 
Ok Centered is right. I know he is and actually haven`t expected to hear anything that much different. But what now? Since i am horrible looser i don`t have the balls to suicide. I wish there was something like looser extermination camp. But do you good sir know why there is no such thing. Due to the winners... Yes because in order for someone to win in whatever (and this is the most basic principle of life to even your fucking micro cell leve) someone MUST be the looser. If all the loosers are gone, just part of the winers will have to become loosers themselfs. How is it fair that the whole point of my existance is to be a contrast to the ones that can actually manage their lifes. And if they are soo good at managing their lifes and being such a fucking A players, why don`t they manage my life also, as instead i am left to try to deal with it alone. Do you know why because in the end it`s everyone for himself. And yes i am pretty well suited to play for myself. But it`s the fucking pussies (as the actuall women) and the weaklings that formed a society where a woman can tear of your hearth play with it infront of you while touching herself from the closest thing she can feel to sexual pleasure and than you not having the right to even slap her, not to mention slaughtering all of her known relatives and village mates to see her live "happily" as the bitch that she is.

Screw that. Even i don`t want to listen to my own explanations as i pretty much know they are stupid and pointless and lead to nothing.

Please Centered, no i am begging you. Tell me about your life. Impress me of how you are not looser. Tell me your life drama, and how you've struggled and yet now you are happy. Or even better, tell me how you are still struggling and you feel like shit, but you know there will be better tomorrow, and that you belive in the miracles of life. Pls tell it to me. I wanna hear it from someone so i can fucking sincerely laught in his face. + I actually wanna hear that and than see that particular person die in excruciating pain so i can laught even more. You know what. I have nooo idea who you are, but i hope you fail at life hard. I mean achieve something or think you are achieving something and than loose it irreversably and someone to stick it IN YOUR FACE.

Yes i am miserable pric. I cannot feel happy, and it makes me tottaly pissed when i see that someone else is. But the facts are that it is waaaay beyond me why i cannot feel happy. WTF has happened. When it have happened, why have it happened. I cannot answer questions like that. They are just facts. Yes i want to drag everyone to my level. And yet again. No i don`t want to do it. But i don`t want to suicide either i think that will somehow suck a lot. Like evryone will have their fucking plain retarded opinions and tehis will be the end of my whole fucking life as retarded as it is. I think i need to go more insanse. So if i go i don`t go alone. Maybe i will work only in order to generate more hate and money than obtain ilegal firearms and go slaughter shitloads of completely random and inocent people, and i won`t do it to make some stupid statement or something. It`s just the way it has to be. I DO NOT BLAME MYSELF for me being miserable, never have never will I just AM. I do not have the strenght to change it. I do not want to pay to some pharmaceutical company to be something remotely close to happy. I BLAME every-FUCKING-else for existing and i wanna make em pay somehow. Even if it is some irrelevent number to the total world count. I kind of blame my own mother for giving birth to me. I should have been an abortion.

And even more YES... I am brave only infront of the monitor. In fact about all the guts that i have are enough to slap a woman and i've never done that coz i expect someone she knows to than come and break my face. And if someone shouts to me "Eat my penis bitch" really laud i will most probably go "Yes sir, with teary eyes" and do it. But how things like that change. And if not WTFFFFFFFFFFF why i am a human waste. How can i not hate that bitch god if he even exist for not making my desteny being trown at a dumsper at a infant age and instead having to live for 22 years to realize i am incapable of nothing unlike even an infat which can at least grow for quite some time to realize it. Should i go help some homeless children? FUCK THEM i even don`t actually care for them. I mean if i see them i will go all "oh fucking know the poor child" But as long as i don`t see them is like they don`t exist and i cannot give more than the shit that i dump in the toilet every once and than. I do not actually want someone to help to me as there is nothing i need to be helped for. I just need one god damned decent looking female to sleep with in the nights. And i cannot obtain that. I do not appriciate shit but at least that i will appriciate and still don`t have it, and lost hope will have it. Because let`s see i won`t.

Did i mention FUCK YOU ALL. And go read this shit: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_shy

WTF IS THIS SHIT. I've read this and i was like WTFFFFFFFFFFF. So it will be like this my entire fucking life? Why should have someone wrote it. How can exactly it help someone in something? Ok there are like fucking a lot of other loosers that won`t be getting any for the rest of their lifes. But this doesn`t make ME feel any better as compasion is something i clean my anal cavities with. I just know i am repeating some random fucking nobodys stories i am not unique even in my misery. There is too much of everything in this world, loosers too obviosly. But how come from 3.5 miliard woman non wants to spare some time sitting on my penis for the person I am with all the fuckt-upness i am born, obtained trought life. And if i am looser and should suicide. Than why the fuck all the ugly women refuse to suicide. I mean if i was reading in the newspaper every morning "10 ugly women suicided today" i would have gotten trought that day with a Fucking Enorumous Smile. FES...up.

Special edit for Steelaps: I did Salvia, and i think it`s major part of what fucked me up in the first place, i mean up until recently i kind of at least did not tought life suck infinite amouth of shits. The first time i smoked it i kind of saw a tunel of deformed space and time and sound and everything, the second time i left part of my head to a mirror me on the floor which by that time was kind of a window...

I also did some N20

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikiped...10_x_8g.jpg/621px-Nitrous_oxide_-_10_x_8g.jpg

Which is kind of awesome but the kick is for like 30 seconds to a minute, where you forget there is anything else but right NAO and your head is fucking dingling or something.

And belive it or not... if you haven`t started already... Guys don`t do drugs... Sex if you can do it and don`t mind ugly women (or whoever in case you yourself is woman, coz than there always will be some looser despertly needing your vagina) is by far the best solution for everything.
 
I dunno though. I love the stuff, but this guy is unhappy, and sounds like a big pussy. Hallucinogens might make matters worse. Not a great idea when you're unhappy, even if you think you don't care, blah blah, no personality, blah blah, no feelings *cough* bullshit.
 
1. What the fuck is a looser? Someone who stretches vaginas before porn filmings?

2. JESUS CHRIST GREAT WALL OF TEXT.

3. THROUGH. It's spelled through. You spell it the way you do and it makes me think of trout.

4. Lighten up. And I thought I was depressing sometimes. You fucking win the trophy, dude.
 
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