I hate people I don't even know ?! I judge people a lot and I get suicide thoughts ?!?

[Laura]

I just started high school a month ago, and I judge people really quickly. I hate EVERYONE in my 1st period, mostly because the guys act like they know everything, they all think they're better then everyone else and I sit beside one who I feel like slapping 543543 times across the face.

I judge girls really quickly ! I go to a catholic school so we do wear uniforms and I'm one of the few girls who wears the kilt proper length (I'm not fat or anything I weigh 105 pounds) and I basically judge everyone who wears their kilt extremely short SLUTS & I think they're just trying to get laid.

One girl who I used to think was nice but barely talked to came up to me a few days ago and told me to pull my kilt UP cause it was making everyone else look like sluts. I simply ignored her, cause I'm not the type of person who is rude to people's faces. I'm the opposite I'm pretty quiet and shy to people I don't know very well, but what I really wanted to say was "So I could look like every other **** in this school" but I didn't cause she knows practically everyone in that school.

Is anything wrong with me? I hate like everyone, people I don't even know! I do have my own group of friends, but I don't like all of them very much either! It's almost like I WANT to be a loner. When I'm going home on the bus I always it alone, even when people want to sit beside me. I'll just stand up, put my I-pod on and drown everyone's voices out.

I also have really big self-esteem issues. I might have depression because when I'm at school I get suicide thoughts a lot even though I KNOW I would never do it. I was on the bus to school and passed by a train track and started thinking what if I were to go in front of the train, when I was in the lab I was thinking of drinking chemicals !But once again I know I would never do it. I'm also an attention seeker, I don't feel as if I get much attention from people and feel that I'm invisible to everyone. I get really self-conscious around people and think that everyones making fun of me.

I think the main reason I never tell anyone this and that I would never actually commit suicide is because I wouldn't want to hurt my family. But the MAIN reason I think I think about it is I want to do it because I want to see if people would even care enough to notice. At school I ACT really happy but I know that I'm really not and can't wait to get out of high school.

By the way, I don't want to tell my parents OR ANYONE for that matter and please don't suggest a therapist!

Can you answer both parts, the one about hating people I don't know & the suicide one! I'm just looking for suggestion on how to get better!
How do I have an inflated self esteem when i just said I have LOW self esteem.

I said that, if your not going to read it all, please don't bother answering at all.

 

[Shara]

On hating people, I'm not entirely sure that there is a sure-fire way to make yourself like everyone. If it doesn't come easy to you, just make an effort to try to find something that you like about different people. Maybe throw out a (sincere only!) compliment now and then.
Once, when I was a teenager, I really REALLY disliked a particular girl.. That was kind of rare for me. I never particularly liked people, but I didn't really hate anyone either.
My mom suggested that I pray for her. Oddly... It worked. I didn't really WANT to, but I knew that hating her was doing me no good. So I gave it a go.
Even if you're not a religious person, try genuinely caring for others. It will take some effort at first, but come more naturally as time progresses. To me, you sound to be kind of self-conscious to the point of disliking people because you feel misunderstood, or that they are judging you negatively, or think badly of you, or think you're weird, ugly, etc...
Maybe its just me.. But I went through that ALL Through Jr. high until the first year or two of high school.
It will definitely take some effort on your part to get over it, but I believe that you can.
On the suicidal thing.. Been there to. Really, when you are a teenager, there is rarely a good reason to kill yourself (NEVER, really..)
I think it's just raging hormones that tends to make you depressed and overwhelmed with life.
One good way that I booted that was by trying to think of others than just myself. I just had an epiphany one day.. and made myself change my behavior. It worked too!
I tried to find a reason to do something good for someone else. For instance... If someone was sick and missed class, I offered them a copy of my notes next time they came in. I volunteered to help with activities at our local retirement home (I thought that if anyone had it worse than me.. It was probably them, and they seemed to be nicer and not judging)

I dunno.. This is kind of rambling, but I hope you can find something in what I've said to be helpful.
One last thing... I remember when I was younger, an older guy that I kind of knew, but just barely came up to me and just made the offhanded comment "I really hated being a teenager.. It gets better the older you get".
That was really encouraging He was at least a little bit right! The angst and the low-self-confidence wears off, and you eventually start feeling more confident and all-around just happier.
It took me nearly until I was 20.. But it's different for everyone. Good luck!