I guess I'm just being paranoid.

I

Innocent Demon

New member
Oh well, I love this girl to death. I love her more then fucking life itself or even myself. (I have little to no value to my or life in general)

But, there's a lot of distance between us (in miles between her hometown and mine), she has her share of problems and I'm just scared she'll dump me.

To analyze it all, since i'm in cognitive therapy and stuff, those thoughts of mine trigger my disfunctional schematicthingies, as diagnosed by the Young Schematic Questionnaire.

I already forgot why the fuck I'm writing this shit for you people to read. I'm probably just being paranoid but I'm serious I would flip if she'd break up. I'd take the first train possible and I wouldn't wait for it to stop. No, that's not an announcement, just something my hormone-infested system is telling me. It's driving me fucking crazy.

Argh, seriously. I'm only 17 and shit and yaddayadda, I know. I shouldn't freak out so much. I know, but my mentally disordered brain and hormones tell me something different.

I longed for love for such a fucking long time, I have it now, and I'm still not happy. I was "happier" as the apathetic weed-smoking cynical asshole I used to be. But being like that felt like there was this giant hole in my soul. (Hey, a emo-sounding rhyme. How cool!)

It's all driving me fucking crazy, and, whatever I seem to do, nothing is solving it. Therapy isn't solving shit. Being apathetic and nihilistic isn't solving jack shit being in love doesn't either.

There's always one haunting fear that's just being replaced with another. Perhaps I shouldn't bother and perhaps I shouldn't care and just do reckless shit like most of my generation. Point is, I already do that shit. And it's not making me "happy" (fuck that, I don't believe that exists), it's just helping me forget and perhaps having fun temporarily.

Perhaps I'm too mature for my own good, perhaps I'm just another semi-philosophical disaffected and alienated teenager of Generation X-2/Y. I don't know and I seriously don't give a shit.

I totally strayed from my original topic, argh. It's annoying me. Everything's annoying me now.

I'm just so fucking scared.

Oh well, I talked to her about it on the phone. She says she wouldn't leave me, but, well, what if her inner demons get the best of her? I can keep mine under control, for now.

Argh, it's just a lot of 'what if's' and that kind of shit.

I should just go with the flow, but that's hard if you're a bittered cynic like me. I'm pre-maturily disappointed with the future.

Thanks for reading or whatever. I appreciate it, I guess.
 
dude i totally feel you on this... i actually met my fiance on the internet and have had horrible relationships with women in general. The one thing i kept in mind while making my decisions was, "will i regret this". you must ask yourself which you will kick yourself in the ass for the most, not having tried, or getting some of it and it MIGHT, POSSIBLY go wrong. take a chance life is more exciting and fufilling that way. good luck mai.
 
Good points, from both of you...

Kreator, yes, I should take my chances I guess...

Voice-activated: What is there to lose? Everything and nothing. It's just, I don't know.

I wouldn't force her to stay with me, that's not for me to decide. I wouldn't hate for it, I'd just be heart broken, again.
 
life is a constant dissappointment and YOU must make the best for yourself and what you can controll. My fiance has left me once before and she came back. In my experience women are indecisive and require some familiarity with who and what and where they are. Make her feel at home and be yourself and that will decide if or not you two are able to be together. Also realize that all you ask her to sacrifice you must sacrifice equally. (waterboy voice) YOU CAN DO IT!
 
Hey man, listen up dude, I'm in a position similar to yours.

You know what? Fuck it. I'll list my problems.

1. Fell in love with my best friend's sister. We loved each other a lot.

2. I was a scared little boy inside from being tortured and abused by women as a kid, and being undiagnosed bipolar didn't help. She was compassionate though.

3. Her asshole ex-boyfriend from Britain basically viewed me as a "threat" even though he knew I was a weak little boy inside and basically lied and fucked me over.

Keep in mind she lives 15 minutes away. Not long distance for me...

4. She bit the bait, took the lie, and then it took me days before I knew he lied...my best friend warned me "they thought I was serious" over AIM.

5. I felt backstabbed. The first girl who never backstabbed me did it. I cried. And cried. And fucking cried. I'm very fragile inside still, to this day.

6. We rebuilt shit somewhat, then the fucking asshole ex looped me into something else, but he made me trap myself. Basically I said that he destroyed my skills with women (which he did) and then he sent a log to Shannon and I IMed her, dumb of me. This happened after the breakup.

To this day, I still feel he thinks I am responsible. And he loved her to death. In an irrational, bipolar sort of way. But I have zero compassion, because being undiagnosed, severe, bipolar does not make you an asshole. I am one of the sweetest, nicest guys around. Bottom line is that he's a total cocksucker.

7. Friendship basically fucked.

8. Went to South Oaks mental hospital for two weeks (I needed it), they diagnosed me SEVERE bipolar and I got my Lithium levels up and felt great.

9. Got back. Told her why I was so fucked up. She understood.

10. Didn't talk to her again. It felt awkward...

11. After I get my bipolar under control, I'm going to rebuild it. I've been so fucked up I haven't seen my best friend in the flesh since the Summer. He understands.

I always isolate myself during episodes.
 
Always play the game along. If they play it hard, they'll get it back just as hard.

Or well, that's what I learned.

Anyway, I'm going over to her place tomorrow for a few days. It'll be fun, my paranoidness is also gone for now.
 
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