For over 2 1/2 years I was in a situation I wasn't happy with but felt helpless to do anything about it, as it was only me that wasn't happy, it didnt affect anybody else. The situation relates to a car that I had to drive as part of a job I was in. It was a new car but I never liked it from the start and grew to hate it, the image of it, it was ugly. Before this I had liked choosing my own cars to my own taste, you know when something is 'you'. To everyone else eg parents I was privileged to have a company car.
So I kept making excuses to myself that it wont be forever, that I was saving money not needing my own car, but inside I was hating it. I didnt hate the job, just the car.
Near the end of driving this car I got worse, I began to feel 'infected' by the car, and anything that had been in it was infected. As soon as I changed car I had to discard things that had been in the car. This goes on to this day, if I know of an object that had been in that car I avoid it. Its to the extent that I avoid a laminate flooring in my old bedroom at my parents house. But they dont know this, so I just have to avoid it and if I have to go in the room I have to turn my socks inside out then later on throw them away as I feel like they have been infected. Anything that had been in the car I have avoid or throw out, even my sisters stuff that was in the car when I drove her to uni.
Eventually I had the guts to quit that job but i cant help feeling it was too late.
Also most days now I will see a car by the same manufacturer on the road and it gives me a horrible sinking feeling which almosts ruins my day, or at least for an hour until my mind goes onto something else. I relate the car to being old fashioned, big, ugly, old man style, all which go against what I was all about before.
I think I have been depressed ever since but I do well to hide it, however I havent felt 'happy' liked I used to ever since. I have not been to see any experts or told anyone seriously about this problem, and I can get on with life on a daily basis, but now I just take it day by day. I have lost any hopes, dreams, ambitions I once had. I have lost a spark, I feel like a light has gone out. I dont get excited by anything anymore.
Is this normal, a part of getting older? Is this fate, is it my path? Why didnt I do something about the situation at the time?
How can I move on, should I carry on my plan of reading books about CBT and depression to try and feel better?
I feel light a lights gone out, like I had a chance and wasted it, I lack confidence and belief. I once had this, ever so briefly before these events occured. I feel like the devils entered my life, I feel that car was evil, whoever designed it should be shot, I feel anger and disbelief that I was associated with that car. I'm angry at the people who decided to buy those cars and I'm angry at myself for not doing anything about it. I could have just made excuses and quit.
The only thing I can think to help is that one day all this will be gone, I will be gone, it wont matter, but I also then have the thought that this is the only chance in life I have, I only have this one life and this one family and friends. Its not a dress rehearsal. I wish i realised that before. It also didnt help that back then I was 21 year old and thought I had so much time ahead of me.
If anyone can suggest anything to help, make me think differently/feel better, please do.
So I kept making excuses to myself that it wont be forever, that I was saving money not needing my own car, but inside I was hating it. I didnt hate the job, just the car.
Near the end of driving this car I got worse, I began to feel 'infected' by the car, and anything that had been in it was infected. As soon as I changed car I had to discard things that had been in the car. This goes on to this day, if I know of an object that had been in that car I avoid it. Its to the extent that I avoid a laminate flooring in my old bedroom at my parents house. But they dont know this, so I just have to avoid it and if I have to go in the room I have to turn my socks inside out then later on throw them away as I feel like they have been infected. Anything that had been in the car I have avoid or throw out, even my sisters stuff that was in the car when I drove her to uni.
Eventually I had the guts to quit that job but i cant help feeling it was too late.
Also most days now I will see a car by the same manufacturer on the road and it gives me a horrible sinking feeling which almosts ruins my day, or at least for an hour until my mind goes onto something else. I relate the car to being old fashioned, big, ugly, old man style, all which go against what I was all about before.
I think I have been depressed ever since but I do well to hide it, however I havent felt 'happy' liked I used to ever since. I have not been to see any experts or told anyone seriously about this problem, and I can get on with life on a daily basis, but now I just take it day by day. I have lost any hopes, dreams, ambitions I once had. I have lost a spark, I feel like a light has gone out. I dont get excited by anything anymore.
Is this normal, a part of getting older? Is this fate, is it my path? Why didnt I do something about the situation at the time?
How can I move on, should I carry on my plan of reading books about CBT and depression to try and feel better?
I feel light a lights gone out, like I had a chance and wasted it, I lack confidence and belief. I once had this, ever so briefly before these events occured. I feel like the devils entered my life, I feel that car was evil, whoever designed it should be shot, I feel anger and disbelief that I was associated with that car. I'm angry at the people who decided to buy those cars and I'm angry at myself for not doing anything about it. I could have just made excuses and quit.
The only thing I can think to help is that one day all this will be gone, I will be gone, it wont matter, but I also then have the thought that this is the only chance in life I have, I only have this one life and this one family and friends. Its not a dress rehearsal. I wish i realised that before. It also didnt help that back then I was 21 year old and thought I had so much time ahead of me.
If anyone can suggest anything to help, make me think differently/feel better, please do.