I am Tired and Ready to Give Up

  • Thread starter Thread starter Scooterlvtt
  • Start date Start date
S

Scooterlvtt

Guest
In Septeraber 2007 I was diagnosed with having DDD, Stenosis, Arthritis, Spurs and the narrowing of the spinal column between L1 - S1 although surgeons referred me to a Pain Management Dr for cortisone injections. I had 7 sets of 10-12 injections between the above levels however the term of relief was only 3-4 months at the most. I convinced my neurosurgeon to order another set of MRI's. Upon my next appointment he started lecturing me that I needed to loose weight and that would help dramatically. As he took out the films and start looking, he saw that the damage to L1-S1 had worsen and it was time for surgery. On June 10, 2008 I had a Bi-Lateral Laminectomy. The surgeon also noticed that I had a fractured vertebrae and had healed wrong therefore he had to spend more time cleaning it up. AfterwarRAB he told my wife that I would be back in surgery however the time was not known. He was to perform the surgery from the front but would not do so because of my weight.

I stayed home to recover for 4-5 weeks then returned to work. I did too much too soon and the back aches started to come back. One day after hitting a bump on a golf cart while driving a construction site I knew something went wrong. The pain the next day was between 4-5 therefore I thought I would be OK over time. A couple of weeks later it had become harder to walk, sit or even lay down as the pain became 6-7. Starting the 1st week of Noveraber I went on vacation to rest and stretch my back. I went to my surgeon again and had them take another MRI. Before I saw my surgeon I visited my PM and he indicated that I had re-injured L1-L2, L2-L3 and L5-S1. L1-L2 & L2-L3 had bulges that were pressing upon my spinal cord while L5-S1 had narrowing in the canal.

I am unable to go to work because I can't sit, walk, stand for very long. I don't sleep very long because I have the same problems lying down. I have run out of vacation and am applying for medical leave and short term disability. I have been dealing with obesity all of my life and morbid obesity for the last 10 years. I have had back problems since 1981. Dr.'s who have sen the MRI's say I have a back of an 80 year old person.

I am tired. I feel like I am going to loose my job. My wife is at her wits end. If something doesn't change soon I feel I won't be able to handle the pain and set backs any longer. I can see why there are people who commit suicide because they just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel or feel the light is a freight train.

Scooter
 
Do you FEEL you want too hurt yourself?


If so, that is THE DANGER SIGN, and it means you giddy up and go get professional help right now.

I wish you well, yet, have little too say. I'm aware of PM, and have known a few on that road, and have talked to several.

From a far away view, the constant pain nixes any possibilities of trying something new, it is almost as if this is a foreign thought that can never ever be considered or talked about.

Yet, sometimes things are the exact opposite, r there any area's in your life that you can show, ie, take an action too prove to yourself, you are a discipline man, even something as simple as.........I will drink ten glasses of water a day, or today, no coffee, something simple that is 100% achievable in your present state so you can get back, remeraber that feeling of forward motion...............now, that is all based on your not thinking the other stuff, harming yourself.

hoped that helped
good luck
 
Scooter,
I agree about possibly talking to a proffesional who can help you through this crisis.

I fought seeing a therapist for many years on and off and wish now that I hadn't. I've even tried to kill myself back in 1998 but didn't succeed because I'm here writing this now.

I was put on an anti depressant and then an anti anxiety medicine and I have to admit it saved my life.
I too thought death would be better than what I was suffering on a daily basis.
not only physical, but mentally and emotionally.

chronic pain can cause depression without a doubt! I wasn't suffering chronic pain when I wanted to give up. It was more of an emotional pain but now I'm suffering chronic physical pain, but the two are the same.
the mind is the body and all are connected into one.
you might not feel that anyone can help you right now because you're suffering so much.
there are days I get real grouchy and can't stand to even talk to people when I"m hurting. It's like a dog that growls if you get too close to it when it's in pain.that's how I feel today and then I came upon your post a little while ago and after feeling what you're going through, I feel my pain is nothing matched to yours. I have no right to complain.

I have arthritis in my spine, my fingers, my feet, possibly my hip joint now, which I'm waiting for the MRI results, I have fibromyalgia, plus osteoarthritis, and an emotional disability on top of it all. I haven't worked a full year now. I'm on disability.
I get myself involved with keeping my mind occupied with reading books and watching free movies from the library, plus I'm attempting to get back my artistic abilities by making home made greeting carRAB, and trying my hand at needle point, etc.
I feel happier when I've made something to give to others and to myself. I also love to bake and cook, so I'm always trying new recipies. I find it very healing. I can't stand up too long on my feet, so try to not over do it, otherwise I pay for it later.
we all suffer at different levels pain wise and I can feel your pain just by the way you have written what you're going through.
I wish there was some way I could help you. any time you need to vent or to share what you're going through, I'd be glad to listen to you and be there for you when you feel that life doesn't matter. because life does matter. far more than we really know.
but when one is in so much pain and can't find relief in any position, I can udnerstand how that can drive a person to the brink of madness.


You might find that an antidepressent can help get you through these tough times.

let us know how you're holding up.

sincerely,
Linda
 
Momz,
I'm so sorry to hear of the pain and suffering your brother was in, enough to take his precious life.
My brother committed suicide too. Back in 2000. He shot himself and not one of us knew he was depressed other than his two adult children., they didn't tell me he used to say things of dying until it was too late. they didn't take him serious enough.
that's why I panic when I hear ANYONE talk like this. One has to listen and love the person who's hurting.

How are you doing today Scooter?

I can't see any way possible that your illness and suffering would effect your wife to the point where she'd be happier without you. what a terrible thing to feel and think Scooter. I'll bet you if you told her this, she'd reprimand you and put her arms around you and tell you different.

I have an exhusband like your exwife does, and I'd feel absolutely horrific and sad if I ever lost him to his depression and guess what??? he suffers daily with chronic depression for years now and he too has neurological damage in his spine where he can barely walk or even write and then he also had a stroke which makes him more frustrated that it's hard to understand him at times. He's in a financial crisis too and can barely get by each month to pay the bills. he's also an alcoholic. that's why I left him. None of the med's they put him on for his depression works. He's at the psych ward right now as I write this. I'm glad he signed himself in.
just because I divorced him doesnt' mean I still don't have a place for him in my heart. he's the father of our four children. I try to help him out as much as I can.
You do sound very depressed and the fact that you feel the only thing you're ex-wife would miss is your money and not you, makes ME feel sad. I'll bet you Scooter that she wouldn't feel that way if you asked her.


Are you getting weekly treatment with a therapist Scooter?
I totally understand how you feel about the medications. but if that's the only thing that will help us, besides our faith in God, then by all means take the medicine for the rest of your life if you have to.
I wish I could find a medication that I can take for my bipolar without side effects. because I'd be taking it for the rest of my life just to have normalcy and not feeling so horribly depressed on days.
today is horrible for me. I am crawling out of my skin with uncomfortablness in my mind and spirit. I am considering to do something like go and visit either my ex mother inlaw in the nursing home, which I've only just started doing, or go and visit my exhusband in the hospt.

To help others and put a smile on their faces, makes me feel better.
I don't donate my time enough to others in need. which only makes me focus more on my own pain and suffering. but I can't help it. when one is depressed, it's hard to motivate yourself to do anything! right?
even taking a shower is an effort.
Do you have any other family merabers you can get together with Scooter?
I find getting the love and support that I get from my older brother and my older sister makes me feel much happier inside.

and regarding your financial stuggle, can you apply for medicaid in your state? they helped me tremendously. you can file for emergency financial help to help pay your bills or rent. you can also get on food stamps to help buy food. Go on line and do a search for government assistance.
there are tons of things they can help you with. the thing is, no one tells you this. you have to do the research yourself or contact a representative at medicaid.
I agree with Momz, please keep in touch, because I find there is wonderful support from others here who are going through the same thing.

We really care about you and I pray today that your day is good and not a bad one for you.

Sincerely,
Linda
 
I just get so tired though...... This is the 1st time in my life I have not been able to work and support my family. It gets hard however each of you that have chosen to respond understand what I am saying and probably feeling. It seems there have been other trials in my life i.e. daughter molested by step brothers then I found out that my step son was one of the step brothers, got laid off however had severance to help until I found another job...... it just keeps going.

However your worRAB have helped greatly and I appreciate the time you took to write. I guess I get weak and feel that I can't go on however deep in my heart I know I have to, for my wife, kiRAB, parents, etc.

Thanks
 
Hi Scooter:
I am sorry to hear you are facing such emotional and physical battles at this time. I will briefly commisserate (sp?) with you. I have had neck problems for the last 2.5 or so years and it has changed my life forever. I have not worked for 2 years. Now my stomach gave out and I can't tolerate hardly any of my meRAB. I can say for certain though, that back/neck pain is the toughest challenge, physically, I have ever faced. I too have questioned why I should want to live with constant unbearable pain. My reason for living is my wife. It is a cliche, but I just deal with one day at a time and pray this crap will end some day. Medical technology is always improving and maybe someday we will have a cure for bad spines. My only advice is to read all over these forums and post when you can. People come out of the woodwork to try and help.
Take care :)
 
I take 225 mg of Effexor (antidepressant) along with other medications for arthritis and blood pressure. Normally I would vent to my wife however she suffers from Celiac which is something like an allergy to gluten (wheat, barley, rye) and you can't imagine how many fooRAB contain gluten. She thought it was Irritable Bowel Syndrome however tests showed Celiac. The reason I bring this up is because she has severe emotional problems along with nodules on her thyroid and liver. She too gets very depressed and has a lot of anxiety so my health issues cause here a lot of anxiety since I am not working and our last paycheck was last Friday. I am in the process of getting approved for LOA and Short Term Disability however nothing is final.

I have been on meRAB for years and I am absolutely fed up with it! All they do is give me a false sense of hope and momentary happiness. There is only one thing that stops me from moving forward with other plans and that is the love I have for The Lord Jesus Christ and to kill myself would be a sin. I am trying to have faith that all will be well however that is sometimes harder than it sounRAB. I feel that if my wife did not have to deal with my issues then she would be free from all the anxiety they place on her. It would be devastating to my wife and children however my ex-wife would only be upset because she would not have gotten all of her child support.

It may not sound this way but today is a better day. After venting last night and reading the responses I feel better. However the thoughts of suicide still linger in the back of my mind. I work very hard to push them out of my mind but there are days like yesterday where they make it to the front then the battle begins.
 
Hi everybody,i just wanted to tell you all not to give up hope,i was also feeling really depressed because of back pain and never thought i would stand up straight again,well guess what i was wrong,it took a year this time to get back on my feet,i have had this problem for years,if i move the wrong way twist or turn my body frame gets messed up more so the left side,this episode i just didnt feel i could work through it again you know how physically exhausting it is,i was ready to jump,but i have a husband and 2 kiRAB and i know it would be devastating to them,i want to give you hope my dr gave me prednosone and it made all the difference the inflammation in my upper back subsided and i could breathe again,i felt like a 90 year old,now ive learned i cant lift heavy stuff,the exercise i will do now is walk ,and body mechanics is key,please dont give up your family neeRAB you and it can turn around just when you dont expect it,depression and back disorders go hand and hand,its not your fault,nobody would ask for this kind of pain,though i have to wander if emotions play a part in it,it seems like we all have emotional crisises also.i hope you begin to feel better and this place is great just to vent.hope you all feel better. marywoo
 
Hi Friend,
I don't know your name but I do know your battle. I also know your Savior and have doubts along with you too. I believe that God has a plan (we have to be careful not to go too deep into the religious issues because of Board policy), I believe He did NOT give us this affliction but can give us strength to get through it. Happiness is not a goal that can be achieved-its a side effect of Faith.
I am on Cyrabalta, Lyrica, Tramadol, Norco and Zaniflex. Some days I look at that handful of pills and think I just cannot live the rest of my life this way. It effects everyone around me. But with these meRAB I am able to work full time, do things with my kiRAB and husband, take care of my house and garden and go out with frienRAB and get to church. Maybe it is worth it.
My brother committed suicide by taking a bottle of several meRAB last July. He was a chronic pain patient because he had a failed fusion on L4-S1. The domino effect on the family-his son-his wife-our Dad-his frienRAB was horrific. He was 45 years old. PLease give those suicidal thoughts to the Lord. Hand them up and walk away.
Stay with us here-there is great support on this board!
Blessings,
Momz :angel:
 
Back
Top