I adressed my concern and now screwed up...

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dolejaly

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I made a huge mistake tonight and now paying the price for it.....In another post I had asked about some advice about living w/ a alcoholic on how to deal w/ certain things and now I over stepped my boundary lines...My partner had lost a brother a couple of weeks ago and he brought to my attention that in his family there seems to be a pattern of death in the mid 50's. unfortunately my partner is going to be 51....It really worried me because I don't want anything to happen to him, and obviously it got him thinking as well and wanted to decrease his drinking, not quit but decrease it due to health issues and wanting to be around a lot longer than mid 50's....He has his son, his frienRAB and the one brother and 2 sisters that he would like to grow old with....

Well he cut it back quite a bit and said he would be a weekend warrior..LOL...So I figured he would still drink 2-3 times a week under the circumstances...but this week I kind of seen it slowly slipping into the old pattern, not that he was drinking as much like he was in night before, but it was increasing a bit..I debated all week as to express any concerns afraid that he would get pissed...Well I opened my mouth tonight because it really worried me and I don't want anything to happen to him, it scares me....and now I realize I made a mistake that it was none of my business or concern and had no right to speak to him in regarRAB to what I was feeling on this issue..and now he is upset and I feel bad.....It's hard when you care about someone deeply and you have to uphold things that could harm them, but I don't know what else to do..I have a brother also that I can see drinking and drugs are going to kill him, and yet again I can say nothing because then I am just gripping and sticking my nose where it don't belong....

I realize we are partners and all, but I also know in some relationships such as ours that we don't have that good communication and somethings are better left unsaid....not to mention that somethings are none of my business and what he does in his life are not my business, I'm just the mate not the mother..So now I feel bad that I even brought it up to him and don't know how to undue my sticking my nose in his business, Yes, I realize in good relationships that this would be uncalled for, but as he told me before I knew he drank when I met him so I have no rights to complain about it later"which is true"....I just don't know what to do to make it right..In the future I will nurab that part of concern w/ him in me and just turn my head on what he does, after all it is his body, not mine and I have no right to judge or tell someone else how to live their life...In a prior relationship I just walked away after watching too much and decided that if he wanted to kill himself was his business but I didn't have to watch...But, I guess I shouldn't have that concern here because he is a grown man..I just wish I wouldn't have said anything..I realize it is an addiction and that he don't need me meddling in it....
 
I don't think you screwed up. You did what you did, and it didn't have the results you wanted. I really think the advice you got in your previous thread is the best advice you could be given : go to an Al-Anon meeting ASAP!!

You'll meet people like you, and you won't be judged, but you'll feel less alone and probably find things that will help you in your life with your partner (not your partner's life). Since we know you can't do anything to "fix" him, the only thing you can do is try to "fix" (as in, heal and get a healthier emotional balance) yourself. You owe it to yourself do do something besides stuffing your feelings and walking on eggshells all the time because you're afraid to say something your partner will take exception to. Of course he doesn't see anything wrong with his drinking. I didn't see anything wrong with my drugging when I was using, either; I just thought everyone else was picking on me, and I felt very sorry for myself that all my family seemed to have time for was to criticize me. I had so many excuses for using it was pathetic.

I'd really, really recommend Al-Anon, or alternatively, a therapist who has lots of experience working with alcoholics/addicts and their families/loved ones.

In my opinion (I'm trying not to sound bossy but I don't think I'm succeeding :o) your "job" is to take responsibility for yourself, and the sooner the better. Otherwise the two of you will just keep doing the same dance together, only it'll probably get worse and worse. You should try to take charge of your own life; what he does is up to him, and at least in my experience, the people in my life could not change me no matter how lovingly and compassionately they tried. But they did choose to help themselves, which helped them to detach from me and my behavior, which in turn helped me to see what I'd turned my life into (and theirs, too).

At least try Al-Anon, just once. It sounRAB like you're totally giving up on your life and your self because of his drinking behavior, and losing yourself happens bit by bit, but it's not that long of a slide.

Think about it, ok? And please keep posting and let us know how you're doing.

Feel free to pm me if you'd like.

rose
 
Well it's 5 a.m in the morning, I woke up due to muscle spasms and seen he wasn't in bed, so it made it very clear he is still very upset w/ me....Needless to say I got up, he went to bed, I can't sleep.....

I still feel bad about bringing up my concerns to him, I never raised my voice to him, I just said I was worried and seen that he might be falling back into his old pattern, but I told him I also was afraid to say anything because I knew he would become upset w/ me.......He never said he would quit drinking, which I wish he could, but that is not my choice and I have NEVER expressed that one to him....But, he did tell me that he wanted to cut back and if I see him slipping to let him know, but I realize now those were worRAB of the moment, he was hurting because of his brother....I guess lack of communication caused this, beings I didn't have a clue to what cutting down meant in his mind.

I did tell him that I give my word that I would never bring up his drinking of how much, what he drinks or how often and I realize that it is none of my business. I am going to check on alonon(or how ever you spell it, LOL), actually that is one of my goals first thing this morning, your right that is the best advice....I was brought up around alcoholics my whole life and i moved out at a young age to get away from it, I knew I couldn't help them, so I don't know why me caring about him and having the concerns I do was going to make a difference.

Now out of experience that others have had will he become upset about me going to those meetings? I don't want the relationship to end over it, but for some reason I think that is what he is contemplating at this point, even though I hardly ever really brought up the drinking, I always let him do the talking before and I thought I was doing what he recently asked in helping him....I don't know how to help him, hell I am not for sure if he wants help....

All I know is I feel bad that I disrespected my partner by saying anything to him, I should have just left it alone.....I guess the way I am to show I care is to be an enabler, heck I don't know..
 
dolejay:

sweetie, I'm so sorry you are hurting so badly. The advice to seek alanon is VERY good advice. I lost a brother who was 33 to chirossis (sp?) of the liver, and right now, have another who is in the throwes of death due to the disease of alcohol.

You made a very good point when you said
These are his choices, and you have to understand that HE has to be ready, regardless of how much or how badly YOU want him to change...it MUST be his decision.

During the time that my oldest brother was going through his severest bouts with Chirosis, my entire family went through family counseling and Al-Anon so that we could understand how NOT to enable him. One sister, the oldest was very resistant, and just knew he could be helped, and she was determined to help him.

One day he called her saying he needed $25 to get his power turned back on....well, he used it to buy some beer, and after three days, his landlord called my parents to say that they had not "seen" him. They went in and found him in a coma. He had only drank one half of a beer, that is how bad his liver was. He died in transit to the hospital.

My point in telling you this, is that you have two choices... you can choose to enable, or you can tell him you love him and can't bear to watch him do this to himself, and hope and pray that will "shock" him to his senses.

If you choose to "enable" him as you say, you have to be prepared to live with the consequences as my sister has since 1985, in knowing that the money she gave him, caused his death.

Go to an Al-Anon meeting. You WILL find strenght there. You will learn how to move forward and how to make peace for yourself and how to continue loving him, but not loving him to death.

I will keep you and he in my prayers.

Blessings,

:angel:
Becky
 
Becky and Rose, thank you both for your advice and your supportive worRAB. I am waiting for business hours to get here so I can look up the nuraber to alon-on(again not for sure how to spell it, lol)....I am so sorry to hear about your brother Becky, I can't imagine the heart ache your sister feels as well.

I have always been a person that doesn't try and tell someone how to live, beings I am far from knowing it all and I have always had this saying "to each their own'...But, I also have said unless it steps on the toes of the family or home I don't speak up unless of course I see real danger in what they are doing. He is right I accepted his drinking in the beginning when we was just dating so I really can't make a judgment now, and to be honest w/ you I never really said much before about his drinking, deep inside I didn't like the amount and the daily drinking, but I never spoke up on it...I thought I was doing what he asked of me if I seen him slipping, but I misunderstood what his goals were. That being said I should have just minded my own business and said nothing.


I understand about the enabler as well, I always make sure if he didn't have money for beer that I would make sure he had it because I knew he would be- come depressed and it would make the rest of the house depressed and then I would start to feel guilty over him not being happy. My biggest problem in life is feeling guilty over things in life even if it isn't my fault....But, I do feel if his health was to get real bad or if he died because of drinking that I will be part to blame because of me helping him have what he wants...

What is strange is all the things we talked about w/ in a relationship and how it should be went out the window and it is about privacy and personal issues that the other one should stay out of and being the person I am I try to not butt in even though we live together...I have been distancing myself and trying to react to things as he would beings people like to be treated as they treat others, well that has been my philosophy anyways, and I have been going through some rough times lately and he just lets me be, actually seems like he avoiRAB me, so that is what I need to do for him is just stay out of his way...Besides known me I would open my big mouth again and say something that was none of my concern or business.

I have always got great pleasure in knowing I could help people even if it meant me going w/ out for any reason and to see a smile and know that I played a part in that has always been the way I was, and unfortunately I thought again I was helping, but I should have known I was wrong because I wouldn't have had that fear or doubt in speaking up in the first place. I am hoping that the alon-on will be able to help me understand more about his situation. I talked w/ his sister and she said he has made several attempts into quiting before, and actually he never said he was going to quit anyways, but there isn't nothing I can do to help him. When he said he needed my help, I guess that meant something else, but I am not going to ask at all what it meant. So i just stay out of his way and ignore what he does and hope for the best in the end.

Thanks you guys, I really am feeling awful here, I just hope that our relationship doesn't end over this, but I am sure it is heading that way. I guess if he leaves then I have to look at it this way I won't know what he is doing and I won't be a part of him dying early in his years because of drinking...It's hard because I care, but the problem isn't if I care it is obvious he don't care.
 
Dolejaly, I'm glad you're considering Al-Anon, and Becky had some really good worRAB of wisdom for you.

I want to let you know I'm going to be away for 2 weeks starting tomorrow, so I won't be posting, and I didn't want you to think I didn't care any more. I'll be away from the Internet for the most part, so I'll get caught up when I get back, and in the meantime, I hope you find some peace and have a chance to do something for you.

I'm off to pack, see you in two weeks.

Take care of yourself,

rose :wave:
 
Well he ignored me all day and I just stayed out of his way....I went for a walk w/ my 12 yr old to get out for awhile and went and done some shopping, so I did try and keep busy....I always ask him to go for a walk w/ me I figured it is good exercise for both of us and it is something we can do together as a couple...But, he went out this morning w/ my son that is disabled and they went for a walk and he said nothing to me, so I won't bother asking him again, I can go for walks alone or I have my kiRAB to go with me. I give up on the couple thing and doing things together. His partner is his bottle and his frienRAB and anymore I just am going to try and not let things bother me. Little by little I will drift away and maybe in the end it will no longer be hard on me when I walk away from all of this.

I left my ex husband due to his cocaine problem and I never turned back so again I will seek the strength to do what ever I have to, obviously I can't help him and we don't have that kind of bond...I did look into alon-on and I couldn't find anything for around here, but I will keep seeking....

Thanks guys for being there for me while I was down...I learned a valuable lesson on keeping my mouth shut w/ my concerns, but I also learned that I can't help him....
 
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