HOW'S THIS PART FROM MY BOOK?

K

Karleigh Desiree Arch

New member
DEMETRIA ARCH- I stared at Nicholas as if he had lost his mind. "What is that supposed to mean?" I asked heatedly. "Uh, it means that your faster than a full vampire. Duh." he replied. What was he talking baout I wasn't a vampire at all. not even half-vampire. "Nick your crazy." I snapped.
"What are you two arguing about now?" Severus asked as he walked in. "He is calling me a vampire for goodness sake!" I yelled. "Whoa, Demetria calm down. Me and you have already talked about this. It's just casue you come from two vampires, simple as that." Severus laughed.
It was not funny and it was on my nerves. Sarah walked in moments later. "Hey Sarah." I greeted. she smiled and then turned to Severus scowling. "I ought to kill you for cheating jerk." She hissed. Severus laughed and said, "Want to race again then?" "Yeah...starting now!" she said flitting out of the room. Those two were always racing or joking around. It was funny to watch them race casue they would always fight about who cheated and who didn't.


IT'S LONG YES, BUT I HOPE YOU LIKE EVEN THOUGH YOU MIGHT BE LOST CAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW THE REST OF THE BOOK.
 
I'm sorry, but this isn't good. It is grammatically incorrect, completely. Formatting is way off. There is no voice of the character. It is immature and fake sounding. If you're doing some type of vampire book, you have to MAKE it sound realistic. Other wise, nobody will bother with it. The plot, it sounds, good be interesting. But the way you layed it out was dissapointing :(
 
I think it's good but you should expand and explain more. I like the suspense, and I know that it's only a part.

I also advise to put some sort of written--excuse moi--typed copyright so it cannot be stolen. That happened to me. TERRIBLE!
 
Uhh. That's not long, it's short.
Plus vampires are way overdone now because everybody is writing a story about one. Sorry but if you plan to publish this good luck, because you'll need to right it to where your story just jumps out to the reader.
 
You need to start a new paragraph after every time someone says something! Other than that I thought it wa alright. It is hard to tell when I haven't a clue what is going on!
 
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