how would you change this poem to make it better?

M

mia

New member
this is supposed to be about war and on the battlefield

its a free verse so it doesnt have to rhyme
i just like it that way


my hope is lost, mud on my feet, scars on my face, nothing is left of this horrid place

everystep we take is worse than the last, at least i had a happy past

tears in my eyes as flares go in the skies

i flee in fear to take a rest , hoping for the best

our boot are gone, a path our bare feet have drawn

my feet hurt so, but we must go

thinking of the pain , there is nothing to gain

there is a sound, but i cant turn around

gas gas all around us, we start to make a big fuss

we must run, inorder to see the shining sun

run on fast you dont want to be left last

but then there is one, that inhaled a ton

i cant see a body, everything is soggy

its all green if only i could have seen

we are out of the fog, one rolls out like a log

he lies there dying just as we are sighing

i cant stand what i see, at least its not me

there is no emotion for this demotion

what would you do if something like this happened to you

on the truck he is piled, to never again see his child

i see him exhale while he turns so very pale

the gas in his lungs is now blood, starting to make a flood

now he lies there dead covered by a horrid colour of red

i have seen that and been there

nothing has been the same and who to blame

for his death for his last breath

at least he has died with pride
 
Read it all No changes needed


gas gas all around us,now who will save us, we start to make a big fuss

Just added on something I thought will go

But I love it the way you have it
very good
 
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