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[expand capital punishment]

Ok, future mother in law has weight issues. She is about 5'8" 100 pounds. I'm not that concerned about her physical health. I've seen her eat like a horse, so I believe she just has a super metabolism. What I'm worried about is my fiance'. She is about 5'6" 118, very beautiful and eats normally, most of the time. We eat health about 75% of the time, and we have no health problems. I could lose a few, but that's another story. What I'm worried about is how her mother treats her about food. When she calls home, mom asks her what she ate. When we leave to go to my place, her mother tells her not to eat. In front of me, mom makes quite comments that she thinks I won't notice. When I'm no around, she calls her daughter a fat cow. She really is very mean about the whole thing and there is a lot of resentment. There is no doubt that the mother is as jealous as can be of her daughter, that is obvious. The situation really unfair and uncomfortable and I'm wondering what you would call this and what you can do about it. Thanks, Phinsome

 

[medo]

phinsome,
I call it ordinary rudeness. You cannot do anything about it, yourself, without a huge upheaval. It's the daughter's call, really. This pattern is nothing new between your fiance' and her mother.

I would not stand between them and risk both turning on you. I suggest that you talk with your fiance. You could ask her if that kind of talk bothers her, to give her an opening if she wants to take it, and tell her that you think she is beautiful the way she is. Ask her if there is anything she wants to do about it.

Later if she wants to deal with it, she will know you are there for her. She has to want to change so that she can change in relation to her mother and begin standing up for herself. She likely will need a counselor's help to make these coping changes. It's a life pattern each of them are in and those are not quickly or easily changed.

Fights with in-laws can get ugly, so I would avoid stirring things up. Let your fiance bring it up if she is ready. Otherwise, you could stand between them and tell the mom to stop that talk, but I am nor sure your fiance' is ready to deal with the stress that could come of that kind of confrontation.

 

[James S76]

Id call that abuse, plain and simple. Calling her daughter a fat cow is completely unacceptable and is probably very damaging. My mother used to say things like that to my sister and she still carries the damage from that 20 years later. Its weird. Your fiance's mom almost seems like she wants your fiance to develop an eating disorder or something. Unfortunately, I dont know how you should handle it. Ive dated people with food issues and it can be a really delicate topic, especially if her mother is involved. I wouldnt say anything to her mother though. Have you ever just asked her how she feels when her mom does these things?