How to be sensitive when arguing with my GF?

S

Sticky6

New member
Since I was younger ive always been straightforward and direct with everything. People always got mad coz I tell the truth how it is and I dont beat around the bush. I have an amazing girlfriend and Im getting married next month. Everything is great when we dont argue or fight, we love each other dearly and finally we want to spend our lives together.
The problem however is when we fight or argue. I always say the wrong things, although they are true sometimes I dont know how to be sensitive and make things right afterwards. I leave and blow off my steam but she wants to settle it there and then. I say what the problem is and what I think and it makes her cry. I dont swear at her we just have normal fights. My problem is just that Im too straightforward with it and I say it how I think it. Ive beenlike this my whole life, I just want to know if there is something I can do consciously to try and be a bit more sensitive and how to make it right afterwards. Im a big a**hole when we fight.
Any comments would be appreciated. And be direct please.
 
The best advice I can offer you is this; Try your best to really think about what you're saying before you say it. I know it sounds simple, but just try it no matter how angry you get. :)
 
Unfortunately most of us are all big a**holes when we fight. Try to find relationship books on fighting fairly and how to communicate. I promise they will be worth the money.

Men and women are "wired" differently. What you say is not always what she hears. Can't explain it, but it's true. And the reality is that what is perceived as having been said is the actual truth that is internalized by the listener.

If my husband comes home and I'm quiet. He asks me how I'm doing. I respond that I'm okay. He probably understands that I'm doing just fine and nothing is wrong. I might be hurting inside and just don't know how to express it, or maybe am not ready to talk about it. But he has no clue.

So if I get mad at him later because he's insensitive and is not attuned to my feelings, that's not fair to him (or the relationship either). So we just respond differently and you have to learn to fight fair. That's the key. It helps your relationship be more healthy.

And remember this example: Consider getting a tube of toothpaste and squeezing all of it out onto a plate. After it's all out, try to put it back into the tube. Problem is that you can't get it back inside. Words are like that. Once they're out, we can never retract them. Even if we apologize and actually didn't mean what we said, those words are left to sting the other person as long as they are remembered. Ever say, "You always blah, blah, blah?" Truth is that she doesn't "always" do whatever. But by saying that, you've created a wound that is slow to heal because of carelessly chosen words.

You can do this. She's worth it or you wouldn't be marrying her. Work on communication skills together. It can be fun. I wish you the best!
 
Counseling, dude.

You need to learn the skill sets necessary to say what's on your mind in a tactful or more sensitive way.

You won't pick up that kind of skill set here in Y!A land.

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I dont think you should have to change for anyone, but if thats what you really want to do, think about her tears before you say something insensitive and that should bring the right words to mind.
 
My boyfriend acts just like this. It always made me upset but I actually gave him hints on how to "fight" with me so I wouldn't end up a sobbing mess on the floor.

Do not say anything that you will regret saying later. Even if you're angry, there's no excuse for saying something you don't mean.

It's ok to be straight forward but be AS NICE AS POSSIBLE when being straight forward. An angry tone of voice isn't showing concern for her feelings and it'll just upset her. Be nice to her while getting your point across and your fights will be over a lot quicker.
 
Learning how to fight is the most tricky thing about a maturing relationship. At least I found that it was.

I think the problem is that you have conflicting argument styles. What my husband and I have found is that when there's absolutely no conflict we just have a discussion about how we fight. He's extremely sensitive and I don't have the patience to constantly pick the exact right word to make him feel better. I just tell it like it is and sometimes his feelings get hurt. And sometimes I have to swallow my anger and pretend things are fine because I don't want to make him feel bad.

I like the idea of using "I" statements. They feel a little cheesy at the time, but they do help.
 
Good that you're not cursing. Try hard to not yell. I'd LOVE to be with a man that is straightforward and direct..my last boyfriend didn't tell me anything..he bottled it all up and told everyone else BUT me.
I'd say..just don't yell. It's not really what you say..but how you say it. Work to say what you want to say without insulting her and blaming her. Instead of saying "you did this and you did that" you should say "I feel..." talk more about HOW you feel when this and that happened.

Also..
when you two are NOT arguing...tell her that you really need your own time when a disagreement comes. Tell her that you just want one hour to go drive around..or go get a bite to eat..or whatever..and that you WILL BE BACK...to talk to her about the situtation. You don't want to avoid it..you just need a break for ONE hour and then you will be back.
to talk to her.

good luck!
 
When arguing, try to keep any name calling and fighting out of it. By keeping the argument as logical and civil as possible, less people will be hurt.

Also remember, that when something that you have said can be perceived in more than one way, woman will most likely believe that the worst perceivable way, is the way in which your statement was meant.

Furthermore, try to state of your points within the arguments like you would if you were speaking to a very young child. For example, "You're so selfish! Why can't you just look at this from my perceptive", would change to, "I feel you're inconsiderate of my feelings when you refuse to attempt to understand my side". Basically, just calmly explaining any points in the argument.

Lastly, holding hands, despite being mad at each other allows you to feel more connected and thus, more sensitive to each others feelings.

Hope this helps! Also remember, makeup sex is awesome, so don't stop all the fights! ;)

Congratulations on your wedding & Best of Luck!
 
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