How not to resent my mother-in-law?

[sweetundina]

My mother-in-law is nice to me, but since my son was born, she is way too much into our business and she does not consider my opinion. All plans are done through my husband and he lets his mom rule our lives, because she bought us a house. Pretty much my husband wants me to keep my mouth shut. We have many arguments over that, and he makes me look like I am crazy.

I feel like my son is there to entertain my mother-in-law. She shows him off and hands him over to people without asking me. The baby has stranger anxiety and she hands him over, often while crying. It gets me so mad, I want to scream.

This is not it, every Sunday we spend at her house, my husband's only day off. My husband does not mind, but I do! I feel like I married her! I do not want to spend a Sunday night listening to stupid social gossip.

The last thing she decided that we want to spend my son's first birthday at her other house in Florida. What if I wanted to throw him a birthday party and include my own family, who loves him very much too?

I feel so guilty for resenting her, and I feel like she owns my son and I because she bought us this damn house.
How to overcome this feeling of guilt? My mother in law treats me ok and she is obsessed with my son. I just hate to resent her so much, because I know that she means well.
We pay her $1000 every month for a house, but it will take us many years to pay it off...

 

[Alexis]

You need to tell your mother in law how much you appreciate the offer to go to FL for your son's 1st birthday but your family wants to be there too and you can't really take that away from them as he is their grandchild too!
You have to learn (I can't believe I'm saying this) how to manipulate her into your way of seeing things where your son is concerned like when she goes to hand him off say "Oh no he loves his grandma so much he's crying at the thought of anyone else holding him, poor little guy" This feeds her ego and makes you look good, eventually she'll refuse to let anyone else take him because she'll want to hold onto him and show people how attached to her he is. (I really hate manipulating anyone but it's for the babies sake)
As to the rest you'll have to find away to accept her for who she is and try to be patient

 

[Nicole C]

Well I think that some of this is your fault as well. All of the decisions seem to end up being made by your husband it seems that your input it not valued and that might come from you not making a stand with your position. The first birthday thing is seriously not cool. They especially your husband needs to respect the fact that your son has two families. No one should be more important than another. I think that he is being extremely selfish and so is she. I think that you should stand up for yourself tell him that y'all can go to your mother-in-law's every other Sunday. That you need to spend more family time together. Also tell him that you are not going to exclude your family from your sons birthday celebration by going to Florida for his birthday. The passing him off to other people thing is a little touchy because he is a baby and they all go through that phase of not wanting anyone but the people that they know well. But he will grow out of that, it sounds like first time mother blues. Tell your husband what you feel and tell him that you married him and if his mother was going to be his number one then he should have married her, he sounds like a mama's boy. He is a man with a family and he should respect the sanctity of that relationship. He seems to feel that he has to please his mother and not you. I am not saying that his mother is not important but I believe that when he took those vows he should have accepted that he made you and your children, however many should come number one priority. I think also that you should try not to so critical of her. I think the things that bug you about her are amplified because of the unresloved issues that you all seem to have. Your husband is caught in the middle but he needs to see that he is only in the middle because that is where he allows himself to be. He needs to let her know that he has to take into account what you think and feel as well. That is all to it. Sorry about the mispelled words was just writing with passion.

 

[spiritwalker]

I had that problem, I just asked my husband who he wanted to be married to, me or his mom. Because one of us has to go. If you can afford it, start giving her money, like 100 very week, and when she ask why, let her know you are buying back your freedom. Just because a person gets you something does not mean they own you, and that is how you are being treated.Don't feel guilty of wanting a marriage that is suppose to be wonderful, but int\stead turned into a night mare.
My husband and I have been married now for 34 years and growing.and yes his mom is now my mom.

 

[Beehaus]

Clear boundaries have to be made here with your relationship with your MIL. Not only between her and you,but her,you and your husband. Ive gotten some great advice through mothering.com on MIL issues b/c many of us lead non traditional lifestyles,but it will apply to those that do. Ive gotten great tips on how to handle my own MIL all offering views I did not consider. I think unless you are afraid she will throw you out of the house ( I hope its in your name and it shouldnt even matter) I wouldnt worry. I hope it was an unconditional gift.

You can say," In the past you have helped us out tremendously and we really appreciate how you are an important person in our family,but I would apprecaite it if you would stop letting (your son's name) be paraded like a playtoy. He is your grandson and shouldbe honored as such."

On spending time at her house." I love the time we spend as a family at your house,but could we try and do this 2 times a month"
( thats where you can find a book club or stitch and bitch to join or form)

You are married to your husband.For him to tell you to keep your mouth shut denotes respect for you as his wife and the mother of his child. He is not in any way honoring nor showing you respect.


You need not feel any guilt regarding this woman as she doesnt respect your life with her son or her grandson.


I have in the past had to tell my MIL to back off esp when she undermines my authority as a parent. Ive told her its not cute and if she can't abide by my rules she doesnt have to come to my home.

Does it cause tention in the home,Yes,but its never between my husband and myself as he knows how she is. Thank the Goddess she lives 3000 miles away!

Blessings mama