how is this poem I just wrote?

K

kitty_sky09

New member
my bother tells me it sounds boring and that im trying too hard to rhyme and to make it sound meaningful.
does it really suck?i think its pretty good and i can write better he can.
but how does it sound to you people?


Everyday life

The sky is grey
Smoke fills the air
Darkness takes over love and care
Roses dry
Birds cry
A lady dies
Vitriol takes over my brain
My heart Heart dies of pain

Seems to me it’s about to rain
Life just goes on in cycle
Hydrological cycle and the circle of life
The food chain and the wheel of life
A dead man
Lives a new life once again
Nothing changed
Nothing gained

Everything goes routine
So perfectly fine
The same story
The same game
The same people
The same reason for shame
Life is perfect
Life is smooth
No big mountain
To cross or faint
Almost everyday I have school
Such perfectly laid out rules

Today is just
The same as yesterday
Tomorrow will be like today
Nobody’s crazy nobody’s amazed
A world where everyone lives together
Pleases one another
Lives a life planned ahead
Everyday, tears are shed
We live in this world where
Everyone lives with grace
Where nothing could go wrong
And everything,
Is just the way it should be.
this poem is not suppose to be happy. i wrote to tell people that life is boring and too routine and things should be a little more fun and different.
 
Its wonderful, because I can so well relate to it. Many people can relate to it... You must unleash your imagination. This poem shows you can, and then publish a collection of poems !
 
well, the rhyming's kinda cute, but the ideas are somewhat random and inconsistent, like the poem jumps from one message straight to another, leaving the first one hanging. try to focus on just one or two and explain well :)
 
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