How is this poem? Any help would be great?

B

blahblahblah

New member
I write alot of really good poems...the problem is that they usually just come to me and are filled with more emotion. This is me just trying. Anyways, if you could let me know I would appreciate it.

Yet another sad day
The 14th of September
It used to mean something
Or don’t you remember
It was on this date
That we seized the stars
I looked into your eyes
As the sky became ours
At that moment
The world was frozen in time
You gave me your heart
And I gave you mine
That smile that you smiled
A gift to the world
I finally found it
My perfect girl


This is just the start...I havent gotten to the heartbreak yet...
anything constructive would be great. akwatd areas or possible line changes. thanks again
 
hi
ok buddy
poems do not have to rhyme
it seems like you are trying to hard
relax don't think about writing too much and let the pen do all the talking
and do not go in to too much detail
example
That smile that you smiled= i still remember how you smiled
it need some working on
but you got a good thing going

keep it up and if you need any help let me know
 
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