how does this poem sound?

J

john doe

New member
i recently wrote this little poem. please read it, then feel free to criticise or suggest adding anything to it. thanks


Why did you leave me standing?
Out there, in the cold?
I couldn't get over you,
my love became fool's gold.

as weeks burned into months,
and months bled into years,
i still could not forget your smile,
as i drowned in your precious tears.

after time i had moved on,
but still you did not leave
an important place inside my heart
of which i won't relieve.

but now i'm way over you
and i've found someone new
to share my love, of which i had
once longed to share with you.

but i won't give up on you,
as a wise man called zach,
said, 'things we have lost in the past
have a way of coming back'.
 
I would say 'your love' because fools gold looks like the real thing but is not and your love was real.

I would change "your precious tears" for she left, she did not cry, you did.
I would say "time passed and I moved on" for you are using had in the wrong tense
again you use it in "to share the love that I tried to share with you"? maybe, "of which" and "had" are not correct grammar.

I really like the last verse. Of course you know to puntuate more with some capitals and such.

The poem is good and says much for the way you feel about her.

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These are just suggestions of course because you asked,
:].
 
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