How do you get a manipluative, over bearing Mother-In-Law to back off?

A

angela

New member
My new husband is an only child, and moved out of his mother's house only when he moved in with me and my son last year. His mom can't stand the fact that he is with me, and not still living under her nose. She tries to control everything we do, has to know where every dollar we spend goes, asks ignorant questions to the point where you want to scream.. and then runs off crying when you get aggravated with her. She has a real psycological issue, seriously, this lady is a nut basket! I have tried to be nice, but ended up smothered. Tried to just keep my distance, but it just causes her to pry more. She drives my husband nuts, but he doesn't seem to realize what she is really doing.

She has caused selfish drama on the day our daughter was born, our first Christmas together, his first father's day, and our Wedding Day.. to point out the worst..

She is manipulative, and he can't seem to see that she is trying to trick us into controlling our lives, and trying to wedge herself so far in between us that our marriage can't last.

One of our friends had to get rid of her at our wedding reception, because she had he and I to the point f not speaking.

What am I supposed to do?
 
I had a mother in law like that. I found out that my husband was not intimate with me. He used his mother to block. This is a power play that some people use to have power over another.

He wants to have power over you so he uses his mother to do the devaluation while he stands by and enjoys.

Tell him to F off and take her with him.
 
You and your husband need to sit down and talk about cutting her out of your life for good, or at least making it seem that way to her. If you two show yourselves as an united front and unwilling to let her manipulate you anymore she will lose her power over you. Take a few months away from her and don't put up with her games, if she plays sick send a get well card but don't answer her calls, and then when she's ready to let you guys go have limited contact with her, but if she pulls the same manipulative BS cut her off again. Let her know you two are a married couple and committed to each other for the long term - not her. She is expendable.
 
You shouldn't have to do anything...but your husband needs to get to work.

So long as it is you confronting the MIL, the MIL is going to look at it as she and her son vs. you. But if your husband says something (preferably while you stand by his side and try to hide your smirk), then he is presenting a clear and united front WITH HIS WIFE to his mom.

Your husband's responsibilities and loyalties lie with you, his wife. He needs to step up and tell his mom to step down...her questions are waaaaay beyond the norm, even for a nosy MIL. I have a nosy MIL, but not even she would dream of asking some of those things!

If your husband refuses to ask, then tell your MIL exactly how you feel about her and her nosy questions. Tell her she's being completely out of line, and you will no longer stand for it.

Then I would have to sit down and seriously re-evaluate my marriage to a man who would pick his mom's needs over my own.

What a witch, though! Geez.
 
Easy just tell her!

" I understand this is your only son but this is my ONLY husband. Please stop interfering in our lives! The way we spend our money and our time is our business and you need to respect that."

And your husband needs to grow the hell up and tell her this too.
 
My MIL is exactly the same, I mean exactly. Lately she's been trying to find out how we spend our money, it's just her latest project I guess. My question to you is: is she married? Is her marriage happy? How is her relationship with her husband? My husband is not an only child, so that's not the only reason MILs do that. Try to find out what are the sources of her attachment besides him being her only son. Is she unemployed? Does she have a lot of free time? I mean, if it is like this now, it will only get worse if your husband doesn't put limitations to her invasion of your privacy. Unfortunately you cannot take matters into your own hands with this one out of respect for your husband's mother. Let him deal with communicating to his mother about her intrusion, he has to say it in a clear a concise way. Talk to your husband about getting his mother into some sort of therapy because maybe if she listens to the opinion of a professional she'll try to change a little bit. Or sign up for the Dr. Phil show! LOL!
 
Ok....so first of all, no matter how much it kills you, ask her for advice on things. Act interested. That will satisfy some of her needs.

Second, when she does offer unsolicited advice, say, "thank you for your input. I'll take your suggestions into consideration." Then change the subject. If she brings it up again, just blink at her and keep talking about other things.

Third, if she has a habit of controlling you or your husband, tell her outright that you care about her and want her in your lives, but that you will make your own decisions. Also tell her that if she cannot refrain from manipulative behavior, then when it happens you will end the "visit" (be it phone call or in person). Follow through.

Be sure to not beg your husband for his support. Tell him in clear, unemotional terms what his mom is doing, and that you will not stand for it. Detail what your response will be. Don't word it to get his approval. Just do it.
 
My God! Do we have the same M-in-law?????
Mine was an interfering old bitch from the moment we met, even in the wedding photos she is in the middle of us! I haven't spoken to mine since the day our marriage-split and like you, as nice as you are to the likes of them the meaner they are to you.
I executed ideas of being really nasty to her, but it just isn't in my nature - so I decided to kill her with kindness, she bought me a really nasty outfit for Christmas, which you wouldn't put on a dead relative and I bought her the best present I could - I reassured myself that I did everything I could to make things Ok, and that she was the psycho.
My divorce is through soon - NO to marriage and NO to future in-laws!
Try hard to prevent the same happening to you - then at least you will know that you have tried everything - also get your husband to stand up to her more.
If the boot was on the other foot, you would talk to your relatives if they were causing trouble to your husband, wouldn't you?
It is also revealing how your husband unwittingly places you in order of importance.
My husband placed his mother, our daughter, and then me and my son didn't even enter the equation!
Good luck! hope your predicament is more fruitful than mine was.
P.s If all else fails take up archery - a nice clean shot through the head! - only joking!!
 
To be honest this needs to be something that you & your husband need to honestly and openly discuss between the two of you FIRST to decide unitedly how to handle & solve. She IS his mother and you can't change that fact nor can you expect to change her and her tremendous issues and behaviors. He loves her inspite of her drama and craziness no doubt - because we just all love our parents for good or bad. You marry the son - you marry the mother! Sad but true.

BUT you can both decide how to cope, handle her and best manage the issues here. HE needs to take the lead here because she is HIS mother. Discuss your complaints and concerns and frustrations and then ask him how you can both deal with HER best. HE knows her best and he needs to decide and be PROACTIVE about this situation or it CAN and will come between you at some point.

Patience is always the best route but honesty is also necessary as well. You will have to swallow your pride and decide to just NOT let her get a rise out of you but tell him you WILL be straight with her but will try to also be courteous as well.
 
To be honest this needs to be something that you & your husband need to honestly and openly discuss between the two of you FIRST to decide unitedly how to handle & solve. She IS his mother and you can't change that fact nor can you expect to change her and her tremendous issues and behaviors. He loves her inspite of her drama and craziness no doubt - because we just all love our parents for good or bad. You marry the son - you marry the mother! Sad but true.

BUT you can both decide how to cope, handle her and best manage the issues here. HE needs to take the lead here because she is HIS mother. Discuss your complaints and concerns and frustrations and then ask him how you can both deal with HER best. HE knows her best and he needs to decide and be PROACTIVE about this situation or it CAN and will come between you at some point.

Patience is always the best route but honesty is also necessary as well. You will have to swallow your pride and decide to just NOT let her get a rise out of you but tell him you WILL be straight with her but will try to also be courteous as well.
 
You do nothing. Your husband on the other hand needs to grow up and set his foot down to his mom, telling her to back off. If he feels incapable of doing this, then he needs counseling because he is a grown man and should be able to tell his mom to back off and get a life (more eloquently put of course) Even though this effects you, you can't really do anything about it because you don't want to make a decision (like cutting her out) and later have your husband resent you or think the issues lie with you. You need to tell him to man up though.
 
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