The only reason I don't return to starving full-time is because avoiding dinner with my parents is awful (I cook dinner, but they still get upset if I don't eat and I'm scared of losing their love so it's been really hard getting out of dinner lately).
I want to starve myself everyday, rather than only a few days out of the week (my dad has to go away a few days every week and he's the only one who is sad if I'm not at dinner). Returning to doing it full-time would mean I could suceed at this when I fail at other things (I'm a perfectionist, and apparently I'm somehow still not over a lame Harvard rejection (I accepted a place next year at a different college, hence why I'm home now, but it's alright because I get to work on my charity more)- I thought I was, but apparently I'm honestly this pathetic- and, even more bothersome than that rejection, I'm the worst Catholic ever- it feels like no matter what I do I'm horrid). I told God I would starve for these few days because I know that I'll stick to it for religion (I stick to starving normally, but when I get down thinking about being made to eat dinner I wind up debating with myself whether it's worse to be forced by myself or someone else).
I don't know what to do. I've realized lately that while starving has remained a self-punishment and an attempt at numbing my feelings, it had been becoming something that depresses me more (this weekend doing it has been really good though, probably the best it's felt in years for some reason).
Maybe it'd be one thing if I were to finally reach my first ultimate goal weight (whereas my others are simply goal weights), but I know once I get there it won't be small enough because last time I got lower than my original ultimate goal weight (the weight where I had thought I'd be small enough) I realized where I really need to be (which is much smaller).
How do I know if starving is the way to go for me? It used to not be this confusing, because nothing could make me eat (and when I'm in starving mode it's still that same way), but right now I can go either way (complete starvation or eating a tiny bit of dinner for my parents and purging it).
I know eating disorders aren't positive ways to deal with issues, but when I fully developed mine years ago it seemed to be the only thing to do. I also know they lead to death and all about the havoc they wreak on one's body, but something about seeing my bones makes none of that really matter to me (I try to care, but I don't).
Thank you for your time.
I want to starve myself everyday, rather than only a few days out of the week (my dad has to go away a few days every week and he's the only one who is sad if I'm not at dinner). Returning to doing it full-time would mean I could suceed at this when I fail at other things (I'm a perfectionist, and apparently I'm somehow still not over a lame Harvard rejection (I accepted a place next year at a different college, hence why I'm home now, but it's alright because I get to work on my charity more)- I thought I was, but apparently I'm honestly this pathetic- and, even more bothersome than that rejection, I'm the worst Catholic ever- it feels like no matter what I do I'm horrid). I told God I would starve for these few days because I know that I'll stick to it for religion (I stick to starving normally, but when I get down thinking about being made to eat dinner I wind up debating with myself whether it's worse to be forced by myself or someone else).
I don't know what to do. I've realized lately that while starving has remained a self-punishment and an attempt at numbing my feelings, it had been becoming something that depresses me more (this weekend doing it has been really good though, probably the best it's felt in years for some reason).
Maybe it'd be one thing if I were to finally reach my first ultimate goal weight (whereas my others are simply goal weights), but I know once I get there it won't be small enough because last time I got lower than my original ultimate goal weight (the weight where I had thought I'd be small enough) I realized where I really need to be (which is much smaller).
How do I know if starving is the way to go for me? It used to not be this confusing, because nothing could make me eat (and when I'm in starving mode it's still that same way), but right now I can go either way (complete starvation or eating a tiny bit of dinner for my parents and purging it).
I know eating disorders aren't positive ways to deal with issues, but when I fully developed mine years ago it seemed to be the only thing to do. I also know they lead to death and all about the havoc they wreak on one's body, but something about seeing my bones makes none of that really matter to me (I try to care, but I don't).
Thank you for your time.