how do i deal with a sex addict? should i stay and try to help, or leave?

[victorialala]

I just found out that my boyfriend has a sex addiction, I found some emails between him and a transvestite. I'm so confused. My first thought is run, break up with him, he's hurt you way too many times. Yet I'm compelled to try to help him. I read some stuff about it. And its serious. I don't know what to do. He's looking for help and I feel terrible. He hasn't cheated, (or so he claims). I never found anything to support the fact that he has. When I confronted him he told me everything. I'm so hurt cause for years iv been trying to get him to notice me then I found out he's sharing images with transvestites online. He said its only one but I don't know what to believe. Am I not good enough? Why did he have to chose to look at a guy? He said he's not gay but he spoke to a transvestite for like 3 months. I have no idea what to do. I'm embarrassed and hurt, but I also want to help. I can't help myself to not hate him. I feel bad for him. I just need professional opinions, or people who's been through this before. Cause I'm totally lost.

 

[Sparrow]

You've heard the phrase it's not you it's him? Well this is one of those cases where that applies...

His predilections have nothing to do with you not being good enough--and it is completely reasonable for you to be embarrassed and hurt by your discovery.

I think it is big-hearted of you to want to help, I'm sure he has a lot of shame himself that you found him out.

I think the best you can do is find him a psychotherapist who deals with sexual disorders/dysfunction and get him an appointment. It's more than you can deal with yourself. He needs some professional counseling.

You say he's hurt you too many times--so it sounds like there have been some other things, prior to your discovery...so this, added on top of that, make me think that perhaps you should move on. That doesn't mean you can't be a friend if he needs one--you may be the only one who knows his secrets. But as far as the romantic relationship goes--I think I would end that if I were in your shoes.

I think it would help YOU to learn more about cross dressing and sexuality so that you can have some greater understanding and peace of mind for yourself. Although some transvestites are gay--there are many who have an interest in cross-dressing that are straight.

Lots of people have secrets--and they don't have to ruin a relationship if both parties can accept each other... But the fact that he has not been honest with you about his is really the red flag I see here.

I should point out here, too, though, that you violated HIS trust by going through his emails. There must have been something that motivated you to do that in the first place--some suspicion or uncertainty... but it it IS wrong to be snooping through someone's personal correspondence.

 

[Betty M]

At this point you truly need to be thinking and taking care of you and only you. You just found out and more than likely this would have continued on for a very long time had you not. He has not been honest with you and this is the one thing you need between two people or it just doesn't work. It's to late for you to help him but not for you to help yourself, so do talk to a therapist for you. Now you also said for years you have been trying to get him to notice you and this sounds like you have been in denial about making a decision. Why are you with someone who is like this? What are you getting out of it? These are the questions to ask a therapist only. Walk away now, you are worth much, much more than you have been given. There will be someone down the road, when you are healthy enough, that will be your equal. You cannot help him believe me, you can't. This is what most women think. That is why so many stay in terrible relationships. It's the nurturer and mother instinct in all of us that makes us believe we can change anyone with love and support. It doesn't work, it won't work and please don't be arrogant enough to think it will. You will only get more hurt and more hurt until you have nothing left to give yourself. You don't have to hit bottom, go now and don't look back. There is a you inside just waiting to be transformed. The best to you and the rest of your healthy life.