Hilarious jokes!...........?

K

Karlie

New member
I need SUPER HILARIOUS jokes to tell my friends! They can be long or short. We have a thing with telling racist jokes. I am not racist i swear, my friends and i find them funny. (for all of you that think i am racist for telling racist jokes: the people that i am comparing jokes with are all races and they find them hilarious) SO YEAH! Need jokes pretty please!!!! (:
 
Here's one.

A woman walks in a bar and asks the bartender if he has any peanuts. He says no. She comes back the next day with the same question and gets the same answer. She then comes back another day and asks him again. He says ''No, and if you come back I'll nail your freakin' hands to the table!''
So she comes back and asks him, ''Do you have any nails?''
He says no.
''Well then, do you have any peanuts?''

Here's another.

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers. At closing time he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered a Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

And list of insults.

You're so short, when you sit on the curb, your feet dangle.
You're so skinny you can crawl under doors.
Why don't you slip into something comfortable…like a coma.
Are you really that bald or is your neck just blowing a bubble?
 
My Dog Named Sex

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.


When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.


When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.


Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."
 
Okay here's one:
A Russian, a Jamaican, an American, and a Mexican were on a boat in a river. The Russian pulled out a huge bottle of vodka, took a swig, and threw it into the river.
"What the hell did you do that for?" demanded the American.
"In my country, there's so much vodka that we can afford to waste it," replied the Russian.
So they continued boating along. Then, the Jamaican took out some weed, took a smoke, and threw it into the river.
"What the hell did you do that for?" demanded the American.
"In my country, there's so much weed that we can afford to waste it," replied the Jamaican.
The American thought for a moment, then looked at the Mexican and grinned.
The Mexican's jaw dropped. "Don't even think about it!"
 
This isn't really racist...
There are two muffins in the over. One turns to the other and says "Damn its hot in here!" The other is startled and screams "Holy shittttt a talking muffin!!"

This one is pretty racist...
What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew?
A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.


I'm jewish so i don't have a problem saying jew jokes.
 
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