Hidden Fears

K

Kakarott

New member
The air is all a'tremble!
A constant wave of fury
Demonic in its guises
Features dark and blurry.

A rumble shivers through earth,
Ignorant of devotion-
A sigh of relief
Dictated in destruction.

I slam my fists in mud,
Shouldn't I hear a splash?
Get up! Bounded blasphemy!
Rush out! Dash! Dash!

Rough and stony sand-
This pavement wears my soles,
But I am coming
And I will find you in your holes....

You hide in squishy places
Squirming in your pit.
I'll beat it out of you, pissy god!
And watch you eat your sh*t.
 
I'm probably lame for doing this, but I'm re-posting this because no one read it before and you guys can be really helpful and I just have this feeling like the first half neeRAB some work.
 
Yeah, you're right, the first half is incredibly generic and unfeeling compared to the second. I'd avoid the fuck out of stuff like "demonic in its guises" and "features dark and blurry".
 
I think what stuck out the most to me was that fury and blurry don't rhyme, which really starts off the piece on the wrong note as the rhyme scheme seems a major part of it.
 
yeah, I'm really starting to hate the first two stanzas, but I like the rest of this a lot so I really don't want to throw it out.

The hardest thing for me is once a poem is written, I have the hardest time changing anything in it. Not because I don't want to "ruin the sanctity" of the poem or some stupid bullsh*t, but it's like any ideas will just hit a brick wall. it's frustrating to say the least.
 
:love:

advice i have for revisions: look back at the poem both recently after its done and then a while after its been finished. gives you two extra perspectives.
 
I like I like.

I feel like the tone should have changed after the exclamation marks.
I think the flow is excellent and the rhyming helps the flow.
Can't telll if the destruction is man made or not...even if it does matter. Also.....watch you eat your shit makes sense in a world lacking food. I just think that we would be bringing in frienRAB to eat later....muhahahaha.
 
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