Hey I wrote a new poem for a local contest comment please?

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I am entering this poem in a contest and was curious what people thought.


Once upon a shower wet
that I had barely finished yet
a kerfuffle did suddenly arise
due to mother’s peering eyes.
For as I dried readying for work
In the corner did the monster lurk
Wherein she shrieked, “You missed a spot.
It will break the seal and gather rot.”
I stood with eyes of sheer disdain
at having to dry off the shower again.
For I’d never heard of other’s incurring such wrath
for failing to dry the drips in the bath.
My therapist says it is her OCD
making my drying unsatisfactory.
So dear readers I ponder to you,
does your mother make you dry the shower too?
And she does, does she inspect it all
crying, “You missed a drip on the wall.”
And if she does do you feel about six
and want whack her head with sticks?
And when you whack her do you feel better
though the blood just makes the shower wetter.
 
wow this is a very unique poem. it reminds me of shell silverstein or someone like that. almost ee cummings like as well.
the only slightly cliched part is six and sticks: you could try bricks, or something about kicking her, or you could possibly use "inflicts" for a different sentence.
The ending is unpredictable and ties back to the beginning.
I like the morbid humor - though i hope this isn't completely true!!
Best of luck in the contest!
 
Its very good. Has lots of good description and paints an image in a person's imagination. It also has good use of language, hope you all the best luck i can give.


(:
 
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