Help with improving my blurb for my story?

H

Hallie Grace

New member
Here's the blurb;
Lauren has been through what no mother should experience. When her daughter, Madison, was just 2 years old, she was diagnosed with a rare form of leukaemia. Since then, she's had countless operations. Now 4 years on, Madison is 6 and the illness is killing her. She needs an operation to save her life. Meanwhile, through all this, Lauren has discovered that she is pregnant again. But as soon as her unborn daughter, whom she will name Peyton, is born, she will need an operation on her heart which only offers a 50% chance of survival. After splitting from her husband, Lauren is left on her own to be there for both of her daughters. They both desperately need her to be there for them but she faces losing both...

Any help with improving it?
 
1. This is WAY too long for a blurb.
2. It gives way too much information.
3. Write it when you've FINISHED.

Go for something more like:

Madison is a 6-year-old suffering from a rare form of leukaemia - it's killing both her and emotionally destroying her pregnant mother, Lauren. But as a new baby comes along, Lauren realises that her daughter will need a heart operation which offers only a 50% chance of survival. With no husband, how can Lauren stand the pain of both her daughters' lives being at risk?
 
It's good. You just should be more succinct in places. Never waste a word!

Lauren has been through what no mother should experience. When her daughter, Madison, was just 2 years old, she was diagnosed with a rare form of leukaemia. (Since then, she's had countless operations.)

I think a kid with leukemia guarantees countless operations. You don't need to overstate things.

Now 4 years on, (Madison is 6)

If it's four years on, she is obviously six.

and (the illness is killing her.) She needs an operation to save her life.

Saying that she needs an operation to save her life implies that the illness is killing her.

Meanwhile, (through all this,)

Meanwhile implies "through all this"

Lauren has discovered that she is pregnant again. But as soon as her unborn daughter, (whom she will name Peyton,)

The name isn't really relevant here, sorry.

is born, she will need an operation on her heart which only offers a 50% chance of survival. After splitting from her husband, Lauren is left on her own to (be there for)

I think "support" works better than "be there for", especially given the next sentance. Don't want to get repetitive!

both of her daughters. They both desperately need her to be there for them but she faces losing both...

You've used "both" too close together. Replace one usage with "each".

So a tentative rewrite:

Lauren has been through what no mother should experience. When her daughter, Madison, was just 2 years old, she was diagnosed with a rare form of leukaemia.

Now, 4 years on, Madison needs an operation to save her life.

Meanwhile, Lauren has discovered that she is pregnant again. But as soon as her unborn daughter is born, she will need an operation on her heart which only offers a 50% chance of survival. After splitting from her husband, Lauren is left on her own to be support both of her daughters. They each desperately need her to be there for them but she faces losing both...
 
I disagree with the second answer, I think it is fine how it is. Short blurbs should be like this (short sentences) because you don't want to reveal too much. I think it's excellent, bravo!
 
Lauren (Last Name?) has been through what no mother should experience. When her daughter, Madison, was just two years old, she was diagnosed with a rare form of childhood leukaemia. Since then, she has undergone countless operations. Now four years later, Madison is six and the illness is killing her. She needs an operation to save her life. Meanwhile, Lauren discovers that she is pregnant again. But as soon as her unborn daughter, whom she will name Peyton, is born, she will need an operation on her heart which only offers a slim chance of survival. After splitting from her husband, Lauren is left on her own to be there for both of her daughters. They both desperately need her to be there for them but she faces losing both...

I like it overall, but I think you should specify which form of leukeumia (like acute myelogenous or others) or what type of operation.

http://whsleukemia.weebly.com/index.html
http://www.webmd.com/cancer/tc/leukemia-topic-overview
 
Back
Top