different about me growing up.? For reasons that I don't even know, I am very shy and highly anxious with anything that has to do with people who are not in my family. I'm constantly trying to not act or look wierd and awkward, but I always fail. Throughout school, I have been made fun of a lot by many different people, and it brings me down and makes me want to kill my self or whoever is making fun of me.
I am EXTREMELY sensitive to any forms of praise or critizism. The smallest thing said about or to me will totally break my soul down inside and I usually cry later at home. However, if I'm praised by someone, I will experiance smugness and be confident for a little bit, but usually somebody comes along, says one negative thing and ruins that feeling for me.
A couple years back I promised to myself that I would stop caring about what people thought about me so much, I improved a little bit and became a little less socially awkward, but soon that improvement turned to waste because of this one kid in particular who basically tells me in word what I know everyone else thinks about me. I never know what to freakin' say in any situation. My anxiety and nervousness around people usually puts me into social shellshock if you know what I mean. I've been like this for as long as I can remember and I don't feel like I'm going to change unless I get professional help. Yes, I have had many different friends from the neighborhood, school or some other place, but they never really last because of my cold distance from people and they soon fade away.
Although I do have a few friends that still stay in contact with me through facebook and we get along well. However, right now, I have probably 0 real friends. Yeah, I have your friendly aqquaintances that you may call "friends" but yeah... you know what I mean. I feel like such a loser. I used to play on a soccer team, but my nervousness from playing in front of people soon made me quit. I'm an embarrasment. Never had one girlfriend or even a girl that was a friend in my life. I'm 17. Girls think I'm gross and very undesirable. With my family, I be myself and I act quite naturally and I'm comfortable with them, but I am sick and tired of them. Including an unhealthy hatred for one of my sisters. I always make up some excuse for not going to places or events, but no one knows what I'm truly feeling inside.
It's very strange, while I desire to be accepted and have friends and an intimite relationship, at the same time I feel a coldness and cynicalness towards people that I come in contact with. It's like I don't enjoy their company, but I want company, get it? I'm so alone and scared and sensitive to my feelings. My soul is in agony all the time and I think of suicide all the time. My fear of man is so great that I fear committing suicide because people will think I was a loser for doing it!
I am truly a sad case. Although I may seem alright and at ease and I'm always telling people that there's nothing wrong with me, but I know deep down that there is in fact something HIGHLY disturbed within my mind. So now I look back at my life and ask... why me? I would give anything to just be normal!
I've been called creepy, weird, strange, evil. :/
I am EXTREMELY sensitive to any forms of praise or critizism. The smallest thing said about or to me will totally break my soul down inside and I usually cry later at home. However, if I'm praised by someone, I will experiance smugness and be confident for a little bit, but usually somebody comes along, says one negative thing and ruins that feeling for me.
A couple years back I promised to myself that I would stop caring about what people thought about me so much, I improved a little bit and became a little less socially awkward, but soon that improvement turned to waste because of this one kid in particular who basically tells me in word what I know everyone else thinks about me. I never know what to freakin' say in any situation. My anxiety and nervousness around people usually puts me into social shellshock if you know what I mean. I've been like this for as long as I can remember and I don't feel like I'm going to change unless I get professional help. Yes, I have had many different friends from the neighborhood, school or some other place, but they never really last because of my cold distance from people and they soon fade away.
Although I do have a few friends that still stay in contact with me through facebook and we get along well. However, right now, I have probably 0 real friends. Yeah, I have your friendly aqquaintances that you may call "friends" but yeah... you know what I mean. I feel like such a loser. I used to play on a soccer team, but my nervousness from playing in front of people soon made me quit. I'm an embarrasment. Never had one girlfriend or even a girl that was a friend in my life. I'm 17. Girls think I'm gross and very undesirable. With my family, I be myself and I act quite naturally and I'm comfortable with them, but I am sick and tired of them. Including an unhealthy hatred for one of my sisters. I always make up some excuse for not going to places or events, but no one knows what I'm truly feeling inside.
It's very strange, while I desire to be accepted and have friends and an intimite relationship, at the same time I feel a coldness and cynicalness towards people that I come in contact with. It's like I don't enjoy their company, but I want company, get it? I'm so alone and scared and sensitive to my feelings. My soul is in agony all the time and I think of suicide all the time. My fear of man is so great that I fear committing suicide because people will think I was a loser for doing it!
I am truly a sad case. Although I may seem alright and at ease and I'm always telling people that there's nothing wrong with me, but I know deep down that there is in fact something HIGHLY disturbed within my mind. So now I look back at my life and ask... why me? I would give anything to just be normal!
I've been called creepy, weird, strange, evil. :/