Hard Day

  • Thread starter Thread starter Secrets1983
  • Start date Start date
S

Secrets1983

Guest
Hey FrienRAB,

Will this obsession ever leave me? I pray so hard every day for God to take this obsession away from me. To help me with the cravings and the anxiety that comes right along with the craving. Over time it has gotten a little better but I am still really struggling some days. On a lighter note, there are better days from time to time but I still very much so can't get my brain to turn off or to not focus on pills. I don't take pills anymore but I swear, I think about them a lot more than I should.

If I take a step back and really think about this..... I clearly can see that the increase in cravings comes right along side my increase of stress. The kicker is, I have been trying to take things a little less seriously and have a little more fun with life instead of focusing on stressful and serious things non stop. Obvously, it's not working :confused:

Tomorrow is my birthday and I pray I don't feel like this then. I really want to have fun. I have so many great plans for the day and night and I really want to enjoy myself but I just can't shake this dang feeling. So, I came to you guys. I came to vent and get it off my chest because it usually helps me out in one way or another. And..... if it doesn't help me, maybe someone else will read this who feels the same way and they won't feel so alone. I swear, there has to be a reason for my rarablings right? hahhaha

Right now my health is of utmost importance to me and the hubby so I am trying to focus on that and push the rest aside..

Okay, my vent is over. I hope you all are out there fighting the good fight! Or... if you are out there trying to find strength to take the plunge, grab my hand and you can fight right alongside with me:wave:

Hugs and Blessings to you all.
 
Hi secrets! I really enjoyed reading your post today! Thank you for writing. Your posts always make me feel better.

You know, i have made up my mind, and i will call my mother on her birthday. Even though, in my heart of hearts, she doesn't deserve another chance with me. But i really do want to be the bigger person & not hurt her like she has hurt me. Thank you secrets, for helping me to see the light on this one.

As for the suboxone, i am behind you 100% on whatever you decide! If the suboxone can take away the horrible cravings than it might be worth giving it a shot. Like you're said, do some research & weigh all of the pros & cons & decide what is best for you sweetie. I am here for you either way. You have done such an amazing job & you have come so far in your journey to keep your sobriety & i just have total faith in you that you know what you are doing. You shouldn't have to suffer with these horrible cravings. You deserve to be happy!

I'm sorry to hear about your step brother. I will pray over this for you but please, don't feel bad.

I will try to get on here later & maybe write some more. Right now my feet are hurting & i want to try to take it easy & maybe get my feet elevated for a bit. But i will be thinking about you all. Take care & god bless each one of you who read these posts.
 
As a non-addict, I have a lot of trouble truly understanding how people think pills make their lives better. I have several frienRAB who just love their pills, and don't even think of going one day without them. I've had a lot of health issues and have had to take pain medication on occasion. Never did pills give me energy, or diminish my problems or stress, and I've never thought "oh, if I could only take a pill, I would feel so much better!" And I'm really trying to understand what happens that makes people crave pills.

I guess I'm lucky, because my ex-BF is bankruptcying himself with a meth-pill yoyo every day (he buys pills inappropriately), using meth to get up in the morning and using pills to sleep. My precious niece just the other day showed me a pill she intended to take before we went to an event. A so-called "friend" gave it to her, telling her that it was a "happy pill" and it would make her feel good and relaxed. I talked her out of it because I don't want her to go down that same path. And the worst part is the fact that these frienRAB of mine don't want to stop! They like whatever feeling those pills give them.

So, I admire you for actually NOT wanting the pills, even though you do want them...but not really...hope I'm making sense! When you hold your precious newborn in your arms (and I know that will happen someday soon for you!), you will know just how worth it your struggle has been.
 
Secrets...lol your so funny lol And you do not sound like an oinker lol
My knees neeRAB replacement thats for sure but my surgeon said not until i'm 60-70! Can you believe that? ! But my feet are the worst! They are the main source of all of my extreme pain. I wrote a thread on it & its on the "Foot" board so you can check it out if you like or whenever you have the time. Thanks for the kind worRAB, i appreciate it.
YOU..Complain ! ! ! ...NEVER! ! ! lol Oh...Say it isn't so! Tee Hee lol I am crackin' up over here lol I can do a pretty good job at it myself lol I've even been known to be whinny lol
Take care & big hugs!
 
AWW!! Secrets a belated happy birthday. I hope you have a 100 more. Meantime keep up the good fight, you are amazing HUG..Neve
 
I am going to run over to that foot board and check out your story! It sounRAB like you deal with a lot of pain daily and that breaks my heart! I am so sorry for that.

May your day be great and the sun be shining where you are today because it's raining like cats and dogs here :cool:

Today, I woke up feeling pretty good. After getting out of the shower, I was hit with a big wave of anxiety so I sat down and just took some deep breaths and after a couple of minutes I felt a lot better. Got ready for work and here I am. I do feel better today than I have in a long time to be honest so WOOOOHOOOOOOOO to that. It's raining outside but the sun is shining over my desk!

Blessings!
 
Angelique, I am sorry to hear you are still in so much pain! It sounRAB just beyond miserable! I am so impressed though by your will power of not taking a few extra pills to make it better. Back in the day I would have done that without ANY hesitation! It wouldn't have been a thought until after I took the extra pills and then after they were down the hatch I would have thought, "crap, if I keep doing this I am going to run out WAY early and then be in real agony" so good for you. Sometimes when I think about how the addict part of my brain used to think and sometimes still thinks, it just floors me. It's like a completely different side of me that I don't care for at all. The real me is a MUCH better person.

I hope because of the flooding that you are not set back for a long time. It's not fair to be stuck in the situation you are in! I can't imagine living with those restrictions and my heart just goes out to you. I pray so hard for your recovery so you can get up and run around outside or atleast walk.... enjoy a long walk on a warm spring night. You deserve that! It's pretty bad when I look at going to the grocery store as just another chore and that is an outing for you! It makes me want to kick and scream HELP HER, SOMEONE HELP HER! There has got to be more Dr's can do for you! I just really feel for you! I am sending you a warm healing hug right now!

I am looking forward to seeing my Mom! She really is my Best Friend. We are like two pea's in a pod. I have such relief that she cleared out her pain meRAB! The other night we were talking and she was telling me what she all did that day and one of the things she did was toss out the rest of her pain meRAB that she did not need anymore. My jaw dropped! The addict part of my brain wanted to drive the almost 2 hours and go rummaging in her garbabge, hahhaa (not funny though) and then the real me was so relieved because I knew the next time I went there I would not be faced with the challenge of abstaining from them. She said the only thing she kept was a small amount of Tramadol and 4 Percocet. So, knowing she "KNOWS" what she has exactly... I will know I can't go near them or I would be BUSTED! Thank GOD. What a relief. Honestly, what a relief.

Something bad that happened to me in the past came creeping up to haunt me last night and it really triggered my urge to use. I am not really ready to go into the details but please if you can, pray for my strength! I am still trying to wrap my brain around it all and focus on dealing with the issue at hand with out it affecting my sobriety. I will not let the past ruin my future!

Well, that is a long enough entry for this morning! I will get the opportunity to be on here this weekend though because I will be at my Mom's so I am sure I will drive you all nuts by the end of the weekend ;)

Blessings to you all.
 
Meshel90, hello! 2nd post! It's so nice to hear I have helped you thru some hard times. I am sorry though you have had to deal with those hard times. Addictions is a nasty thing and I pray so hard everyday for everyone out there who deals with this demon! Thank you so much for your kind worRAB and keep fighting the good fight! I HATE IT TOO! Hang in there and feel free to post anytime! It does help, I promise!

TF, THANK YOU! I appreciate your birthday wishes! Yes, I have had every practical joke known to man tried on me thru the years! The people around me have finally given up because it's pointless really. You name it though, it's been done. Today has been a MUCH better day than yesterday! Maybe the presents and stuff have helped!! hahahhahaha No, really, I am not going to let this addiction ruin my birthday! I am going to celebrate it with my loved ones with out that monkey on my back! YOU ARE DOWN TO 25 mg!!! WOW! That is amazing! I am very proud of your accomplishment! CT is not for me either. Tapering is the only way and slow and steady wins the race in my opinion (at least for me).

Blessings to you both!
 
Hey Angelique,

So I hope you don't mind but I told my Mom about your dilema of the upcoming birthday of your Mother and she is really worried about you getting hurt again by her. She says that obviously if you feel you can handle the phone call than more power to you but she is very afraid you may end up just regretting calling if she is going to be mean to you in some way. My Mom said that if you wrote her a letter and or sent her a card you could let her know you are thinking of her on her birthday and you still are the bigger person but that way, you would not put yourself in harms way of having to speak to her because my Mom said that it sounRAB like your Mother has already hurt you in a way that just breaks her heart. So, I hope you are not upset but I just told her about that one thing. She is very concerned for you and she knows that you and I are frienRAB and it's funny because she seems so protective of you! She said that she is going to keep you in her prayers!

Thank you for your support in regarRAB to me thinking about the suboxone route. It's just something I am tossing around I guess and obviously I have a lot of research to do.

I am so sorry that you woke up in pain again. It sounRAB like that is nothing new to you and it just breaks my heart! chronic pain really is so unfair. I always pray everyday for people who deal with chronic pain because my Mom is one of them and it breaks my heart to watch. She is one tough cookie.

I really had a nice time at the nursing home! My Grandpa was so happy to see me and said it was such a lovely surprise! I spent a couple hours visiting with him and some other residents that I gave gotten to know over time and that have grown on me. So I just run around the place talking their ears off and trying my best to cheer them up. I work on puzzle's with them, color, sing songs and gossip about their lives when they were younger and they ask me all about my life. I have introduced them all to my husband and it's so cute because the little old ladies always talk about how hanRABome he is.... It's so funny. I always feel better after leaving there because some of them don't get many visitors!

Right now my Mom and are are just sitting on the couch together, watching the Golden Girls on tv while I type away on here and I read her some stories on here from time to time. She has such a big heart and some of the stories actually make her cry. She cares so much for people on this board but I never tell her the names of anyone or even let her see the computer and she gives me my privacy. She knows this board helped me out when I had to wean off my meRAB after my gallbladder surgery.

We will get up for church tomorrow morning and I look forward to it because we are having that masses said for Mydughtersmom and her daughter! I really hope in some way that helps them out. If you are reading this Mom, just know you will have many people praying for you and your child tomorrow and many blessings from Mass will be sent your way. I am sending you a big wam hug!

Well, I am going to read some other threaRAB now.
XOXOOXOXX
 
Thank you for your reply Redneon!

You are so lucky to not understand how I could crave a pill. I hope it's something you never learn. When I started taking pain medication for a legit medical issue I didn't get those "great" feelings at first. The meRAB made me tired and sleepy.... It was like a switch flipped one day and everything changed. Instead of the meRAB making me tired and sleepy they made me feel like I was super woman. They gave me a huge energy boost but not in a too much caffeine jittery way.... In a way that unless you have been there done that I could truly never tell you how great it felt. If I could turn back time, I would have suffered thru it all because those "wonderful, great" feelings were a nasty horrible trick. Obviously, I didn't intentionally try to become addicted. It just happened and there was no turning back..... Before I knew it, I HAD to take the pills or I would get so sick I could not even take it. It's an ugly nasty mess and I do not wish it on my worst enemy.

I completely understood when you said... It's great you don't want to take them, but you do, but you don't..... I actually laughed out loud because you hit the nail on the head. I DON'T WANT PILLS but the addict part of my brain says I do!!!! But I DO NOT! I have never hated anything more in my life. Never in a million years would I have EVER thought I would be on an addiction board pouring my heart out. NEVER, but I learned never say never.

The future is too important to me. I can't slip up and I don't intend to. That is why I come here, to let it out and get it off my chest! Talking it out does help!

Thank you for your well wishes!

Blessings!
 
Secrets....Happy Easter! ! ! I hope that you're having a great weekend with no pain & no cravings. I'm keeping you in my thoughts & prayers! Take care & God bless you!
 
My first post, (well 2nd I think) but lurk alot. You all have helped me thru some rough and lonely days. I sincerely hope that your day has gotten better!! These addictions are a nasty thing. I do so well and think I have it under control...and one--JUST ONE LITTLE PILL will start the downward spiral again...hate it--HATE IT.
 
Hey Sunshine! Thank you so much for all of those kinRAB worRAB. I really needed them this morning as i have been awake all night with this darn pain. I've been icing my feet all night off & on & nothing seems to be working. It sure is frustrating! Not to mention painful! I will try to make this short as i'm very tired & hurting so bad that i really should try to lay down & get my feet in an elevated position. My husband just left for work & i've got the whole bed to myself! lol I just hope that i will be able to fall asleep. Enough about me...
I'm so happy for you that your getting to see your mom this weekend. I hope that the two of you have a wonderful time! And i'm so happy that mom cleaned out the meRAB & got rid of them because now it won't be a temptation for you. She made it easy for you without even fully realizing the power of what she was doing! Bless her heart!

I'm so sorry that something has come up from your past & has caused a craving to use. I will say some extra special prayers for you! I know this must be hard for you. I will pray for your strength. You are such a strong woman & i know that you will be ok. Fight through those cravings & kick their butt! You have come so far & you are such a beautiful soul & such an inspiration to so many on these boarRAB. You will be in my thoughts & in my prayers. Take care & blessings to you. Big Hugs!
 
Thank you ladies!

I am having another good day! I think all this prayer is starting to help! So far so good and today the sun is even shining outside too ;)

Emsmom and Angelique, you both are so supportive and caring and I am so thankful to have you two cheering me on! What a blessing you both truly are to me.

I hope you both are having great days today! Pain free and loaRAB of happiness is what you both deserve!
XOXOXOXO
 
Thank you Angelique! Happy Easter to you too. It's so funny because usually we do this big shin dig at easter time at my Grandma's house but she was feeling under the weather so the Hubby and I decided to stay home and wing it! Well, normally I would then cook a big meal but I was not feeling the greatest so we ordered CHINESE! My favorite:D It was so weird eating take out on Easter but it was kind of neat too. I hope you had a fabulous Easter!!! I am so sorry to hear of your flooding!!!!! That is TERRIBLE. I hope it is all cleaned up by now and that your pain will start to decrease! I hope you and yours had a wonderful day yesterday! Hugs!

Neve, Thanks girl! You are so sweet... I was wondering how you have been holding up.... I will go check out your thread next :wave: Hugs!

Well everyone, all in all the long weekend was awesome! We did lots of fun things and everyone spoiled me. It was so much fun. I did have a couple cravings here or there but I did not linger on them. I would distract myself with something and it always seemed to work. Today, I am back to work and just being here makes my shoulder blades tingle.. Does that make sense to anyone? That is always where my anxiety/cravings love to start.. Tingling in between my shoulder blades. I have already had it happen several times today and I keep moving thru it. I just need to be done and be stronger than it.... I can't keep letting this control me. I want to go back to a time before pills where even a part of my life.. I want so badly for that and the time is now to make it happen. I feel REALLY strong today! WOOHOOO!

Blessings to you!
 
Hey Secrets!!

I'm so happy to hear you're having the good day. I love your comment about the sun shining all over your desk :)

I hope every day this week is as good as today (and many more, of course!).

Lots of love and hugs,
emsmom
 
Hey Secrets, glad to hear you are doing well. I wanted to also extend a belated Happy Birthday!

Good to be back around the boarRAB
d
 
Hey there secrets! ! !
I don't mind at all that you've told your mom about my situation. It's perfectly fine with me! Infact i'm glad you did because now i have more than one opinion on the situation, so thank you! I feel honored that your mom has taken a liking to me & i very much appreciate & respect her opinion on this matter. To tell you the truth, i feel the same way that she does about it. That i would only end up being hurt again by my mother if i were to call her on her birthday. Your mom is very wise & its funny because she seems to know my mom, without even knowing her! Please thank your mom for me & let her know that i really do appreciate & respect her concern for me, & thanks for looking out for me.

Awe, i'm so happy that you had a good time visiting your grandpa today & the other residents as well. I know you must bring your grandpa & those other residents so much sunshine by visiting them. This is so sweet! I bet these people are so appreciative for you taking the time to visit them. Alot of times those people don't have any relatives or visitors so for you to take the time to do this for them is just such a sweet & loving thing to do!

The Golden Girls! ! ! No way! ! ! lol i love the Golden Girls! lol How cool! SounRAB like you had a really nice weekend with your mom. I'm so happy for you.

Church tomorrow! I really do miss going to church! I want to start going again after i get my feet fixed. (Hopefully). I think its so sweet & loving of you to be having a mass for another poster. But this is just who you are secrets! A very loving & sweet woman!

Well i really need to check on a few other threaRAB before i call it a night & its already 4:44am so i will close this novel & say goodnight to you my dear. We will chat again soon. Take care & god bless you. (((Hugs)))
 
Hello Birthday Girl!

What nicer present than being pill free this birthday? Smiles.

Secrets, have you ever considered a bit of yoga or meditation as a stress reliever? I understand the anxiety and all of course. We will always have some anxiety to deal with. I believe a key issue is that we must teach our brains to look for something besides that damn pill as a stress reliever. We need to allow the brain to experience something new to turn to in times of anxiety and stress.

I did a lot of meditation through self hypnosis after withdrawal. It was a wonderful new skill for me and my brain became acustomed to it as a relief. I don't do as much now as life has pretty much returned to normal for me. When I need it though, my brain thinks of it. It has learned. Even something like consistent walking every day can serve the same purpose. The rhythm of walking is soothing. Our brain can easily learn to equate walking with stress relief.

I guess what all these things have in common is that they allow for us to be mindless and in being mindless, we relax, the anxiety abates. Please think about what you might do. One time my therapist actually told me to do something like sanding the deck as it was a mindless, rythmic motion that would allow me to relax.

Hope toady and all your days are special.
Hugs
reach
 
Secrets...Hi Sunshine, i'm so happy that you're having another good day! There certainly is power in prayer! I will continue to keep you & your family in my daily thoughts & prayers. I hope that the sun continues to shine down on you now & always.

As for me, i've been having a rough few days with my pain being really bad. I think what started this elevation in pain was when i did all the cleaning when we had that flood because it has been kinda downhill from there. Then i went to the grocery store a few times with my husband during the past few days & this always sets me back also. I was starting to feel stir crazy & just really needed to get out for a bit even though i knew that i would regret it later. Sometimes i just try to put on a fake smile & be brave & just suck it up but i really do need to learn to not do this sometimes. I hope the pain levels off soon. Please keep me in your prayers. I'll be thinking of you. Take care & God bless. Big Hugs!

Also, Thank you so much for your kind, sweet worRAB. I appreciate it!
 
Back
Top