Happy New Year-relapse

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musicman3

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Hi Everyone, I hope 2011 brings all of us strength and happiness. I want to be honest here as I am hoping it will bring insight to me and everyone involved.

I made it 12 days and I relapsed back in Noveraber. I didn't post until now due to disappointment in myself and holiday time, so I waited.

I want to preface this post with the knowledge that deep down in me I do have hope that I will get past this but I am definitely at a crossroaRAB here and I am venting and looking for opinions. I went back on my 15mgs of oxycodone pills at 5-7 a day for the past 2 months. I am now out of those and using about 70mgs of hydrocone the past 3 days which will run out tonight. I guess I have been in a little bit of withdrawal the past 2 days as I feel pretty awful with depression and anxiety. I am weighing my options.

1) I was thiking of calling my subutex doctor tommorow and going back on the subutex. I did very well on it this year. I was only taking 1 to 1.5 mgs a day for the most part for 6 months. The problem I have with it is the fact that it is still an opiate and I will have to withdrawal from it. The good thing about the subutex for me is that it did kill the cravings and put me in a positive minRABet because I felt clean and that is extremely important. However, I did not take care of the support and mental aspects to addiction which clearly is my major component.

I can not stress enough how much I HATE taking the oxycodone. It does not make me feel good anymore. In fact, it adRAB to my depression and anxiety because I hate it so much. So it is very clear that my mental state is at an all time low. I am in serious depression which causes major anxiety for me. So I can not figure out if the pills are casuing the depression, or the depression is causing me to take the pills, or both.

Nighttimes are horrendous for me. This is when the anxiety rears it's ugly head and sleeping can be tortuous because I wake up the next day in a very confused mental state. This scares me because I am scared I have done irreperable damage to my psyche and it will always be this way.

I have been smoking off and on during the past 2 months and again, I can not stress enough how much damage this is also causing to my heath and anxiety. It is like I am self sabotaging myself.

2) If I had the money, I would like to check into a long term rehabilation program to get clean and get my head on straight. The negative aspect to this is obviously the cost.

As of tommmorow I will be out of pills again and I am already freaking out of what is to come for the next week or so. I am so scared my body can not handle that stress again. In October, I was very sick from it. I could not eat and I lost weight. I am a thinker and I ponder all the negatives from it. I still have my prescriptions for Ativan and Valium which I have used occasionally because I am terrified of having to withdrawal from that. So there is no way I am going to get addicted to those. I took 2.5mgs of valium and hour ago because I was so stressed out. It has seemed to calm me a bit,

Tommorow is going to be hell for me and it is scaring me. I have to take charge and do this. My life has become just existing and I can not go on living this cycle. I have had many clean times before and it is during those times I prosper. It is just getting over the hump that I am having trouble with right now. I am in no way suicidal. I want to live but I can not bear to think of the anxiety that is facing me this week. The physical sickness I can take, but the crippling depression and anxiety is overwhelming,

I hope all of you are fighting the good fight and again, I am confident I can beat this despite my past failures so I still have hope, which is good.
 
Hey my friend,
You sound good! better than me ha! It is funny how we read things that people write and maybe are not what they mean at all. Thanks for the up date. My wife plays piano also, but my rocking chair broke - true story, so I can't rock and roll, so to speak. I started just playing my guitar from a year from my stroke, so that is nice. Thank God I didn't lose it and I thought I did at first. As far as depression goes, music helps a lot, and my mutt dog does too. ha! She was a stray puppy that our daughter brought home just out of the blue and I was so mad about it, but she is my best friend now. She knew when I had a stroke. She is sitting right by my feet as I write this. She also loves when I play guitar, some how she knows. Her name is Lola. That's the dog! Our daughter is Alexis that brought Lola home. I am not mad about it anymore :-)

God Bless,
Tim
 
Hey Musicman,

"Relapse is part of recovery."

Don't beat yourself up. It happens. The good thing is you want to get clean again. I'm sorry you're going to run out of pills tonight. I remeraber how bad it was for you back in October. There's no way you can get more and do a taper?

You can obviously do it cold turkey (I never could), but it's so much smoother on the body to do a taper (don't get me wrong, I know how hard it is to taper when you're by yourself). Is there any way?

Do you have something to help you sleep?

I strongly suggest you go back on Sub. If you stay at a low dose, it won't be nearly as hard to get off of. Have you ever considered just staying on Sub? It keeps the cravings away, no withdrawal, you are yourself again etc.

Keep posting Music - we're all here to support you. This is an addiction and recovery forum - you should never feel ashamed to admit that you relapsed.

Good luck,
emsmom
 
Damn, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. That really sucks. Having a good attitude (at the beginning) always seems to smoothe things along.

You do seem different this time. Not as encouraged and definitely on the depressing side. It wouldn't hurt to talk to a professional - is that a possibility for you?

I think the main problem right now is that you're looking back on all the other times you got clean. You have this expectation of how it "should" go but it's never the same 100%.

Try not to worry too much about it, as that will make it alot worse. I know it's hard, however it's so important to look into the future, rather than sit and worry.

Think about your goals. What are you going to do different this time? Something has to change. As much as you won't want to, get outside and get some fresh air/sunshine (vitamin D). If you don't feel up to eating, go buy some Ensure (meal replacement) so you don't get dehydrated. I remeraber you were very dehydrated last time so try to keep on top of that.

Keep as busy as you can. Motivation is the key and although it's VERY tough to do while going through physical and mental withdrawal, you have to find what works for you.

It's easy for me to tell you what you should do and give you recommendations/suggestions cause I'm not the one going through withdrawal. I do, however, remeraber how tough it was to sit around "waiting" for it to end. Try your best not to...get out and do something.

Feel free to send me a PM if you need someone to talk to.

Sincerely,
emsmom
 
musicman3.
You play music so do I, or I did before I had a stroke, poor me. It took me a 3 months to read and write and a year to play my old guitar again. You can beat this, I know. You have to love the music better that the drugs. What do you play? guitar? drums? it doesn't matter. The music will get you back, I promise. Don"t think it is bad, because it could be worse. I love musical people because they lose and love and lose and gain. You will be ok buddy. I got a 76 Les Paul, what do you got what ever you have is great. (ha ha)
Tim
 
Well I got what I hope is my last prescription for my oxycodone 15mgs. I have 90 pills. I went to the doctor today and I said everything just short of saying I was abusing them. I told him that I am tired of the pills and am not liking the effects on me anymore. I also told him not to give me anymore and he agreed.

I am going to try and taper down with these. I think I can do it because I am not taking alot of them anymore because the whole situation has caused me so much mental stress, anxiety and depression, that frankly I am scared to take many of them. They do not give me good feelings anymore, they just keep me out of physical withdrawals, but they are definitely wreaking havoc on my mental psyche.

I am at an extreme low point mentally. The whole situation has me in such a depressive anxiety riddled state that I am so scared that I have ruined my brain. I am just hoping that once I am clean, the status will get better, as it always has in the past, but this time I am really having much more mental issues than past experience.

There is no more after this, I can no longer go on existing lke this on a day to day basis, I am not living. I am existing and it has to stop. So I am going to taper down. After I am finished, if I feel that I can not do it on my own, I am going to call the detox center and ask him if I can come back. It really did wonders for me being there, I was so safe. If it comes to that, I am going to see if they will treat me without subutex. If I am going to go through withdrawals I'd rather not do subutex in the hospital. If I am going to be sick, I rather get it over with in a medically supervised setting in conjunction with the psychological help of the program they offer. It is a great program. As I said in another post, it is very low key, compassionate, and not in a lockdown setting. So I feel safe, while not feeling like a caged animal.
 
Hi Tim,
It is funny you should say that. I have played the piano since I was 3. I am 41 now, I stopped when my mom died in 2005 and that is when I noticed my changes in personality. Music has been my life. I am a pop music historian by hobby and virtually know just about every song that has been in the top 40 since 1962. I have a rainman memory so I can even tell you their chart positions. I spent most my life in my rocking chairs listening to music. The funny thing too was when I went through WRAB before, my # 1 remedy would be sitting in my chair rocking back and forth while I listened to music. This would relieve the heebie jeebies by rocking and would alleaviate the depression because of my love of music. I no longer have a rocking chair and ironically, it has made WRAB so much more difficult. The last time I had a rocking chair was in 2006 and I was 6 months clean with no issues. SounRAB silly doesn't it, but it obviously aided me.

Em,
Things are very different this time, you are spot on. I just do not know how to get out of this rut. The week before I went to detox at my local hospital, I went to a very posh rehab center about 20 minutes from my house on 12/24/09. One hour after being there, I knew it was not going to be for me. Firstly, I should have waited because there was going to be a lack of programs because of the holidays so I would not be able to have the full mental counseling I desired. The majority of people there were young girls around 21 years old with eating disorders and some drug users. There was no one around my age and I just feel that I did not have anything to offer. The main thing that really made me doubt my decision of being there was during my intake with the doctor. He wanted to put me on methadone. That really turned me off as I have done my research. My addiction consisted of 60-100 mgs of oxy or hydro on and off for 12 years. The thought of using methadone for that habit seemed like trying to kill a fly with a gun. I refused and agreed to suboxone, but three hours after being there, I called my brother to come and get me. I had my wits about it and even though they thought it was a ruse to get me out, I coherently stated my reasons and they released me. I have NO regrets about that decision.

The hospital detox was wonderful. It was 6 other patients in a very low key setting. You were not in lockdown and you went to a regular hospital room everynight after daily therapy. I was even able to sneak my computer in, even though you were not supposed to. I wanted the help and the fact that I didn not feel that I was a prisoner really was important to me. I felt safe, I ate three meals and the doctor, who was a classmates father was compassionate and wonderful. I can not say how much I liked being there.

I would defintely need to get counseling. The doctor was adamant about me doing that but I never followed through, this is where I dropped the ball. I did attend "Life Ring" meetings for a month. I found that the best for me. I am not a fan of AA for me. I have nothing against it for anyone else. Whatever works for someone is important, but I fundamentally do not believe in AA for me. I know it is not only for alcoholics, but it seemed geared towarRAB it and I do not drink at all, and I mean NADA! Not even socially. I am 41 and I have never even had an alcoholic beverage in a restaurant. I never had a glass of wine with food. The last time I even had a drink was 4 years ago and that was at my HS reunion. As I read all the steps, I just didnt feel they applied to me and not because I am in denial about my addiction. I never stole, I never put anyone in jeopardy. The only person I hurt was me so I wouldnt know who and why I would make amenRAB with someone. It also seemed that many of these people maintain their sobriety by meeting after meeting. I do not want to be reminded ALL the time about my addiction. Does any of that make sense??

Anyway, I can not go on like this anymore, It is affecting my life, my job, my health, It has to change and I need to know what to do.
 
Thank you Em for being so kind as always. The problem I have with tapeing is that it still puts me in some sort of withdrawal. If I am going to have anxiety and depression for that, I rather just do it cold turkey. I do have the valium and ativan for nighttime, it helps a bit but makes me feel clouded and confused. I guess it is better than nothing.

I am pondering going on the subutex again, I wonder if the doctor will be sympathetic to me and continue taking me on. But as you have read in my post, I do have my doubts about using the subutex. I want to be clear of all pills so I can gauge whether they are causing the anxiety and depression.

The truth is I have not done ANYTHING to better myself to aid the recovery process. My eating habits are horrendous and the smoking is just downright wrong in every way possible. I can guarantee you 100 percent that the smoking has definitely contributed to the failures I am having. I only picked it up a year ago after 22 years of being smoke free. It is by far the stupdest thing I have done and I know that it has played a vital role in why I am not successful and why my anxiety has exploded 1000 fold this year.

I have managed to go off the subutex twice and its around day 7 the WRAB come and I just do not ride it out.

I do have one refill left on the hydrocodone but I really do not want to get it as I need to be back at work on Saturday and this is the only stretch I have off to do this again.
 
Ahhh, that makes perfect sense. Hopefully, you'll be able to do the Subutex thing for a few days to get off the hydros.

If nothing changes, nothing changes...

Your eating habits, smoking, exercise etc. If you get clean, yet are still doing the exact same things as when you were using, it's only a matter of time until you use again.

It's not going to be easy Music. You are going to have to work at it every day and make some positive changes in your life. Change is very hard, especially when you're battling cravings and withdrawals but this is your life. No one can do it for you.

Start writing down the things you want to/should change. Check each one off when you've done it. It could be a great way to reward yourself.

I agree about rehab. Fortunately, when I was living in Canada, it was all covered by my insurance. Anyone could go to rehab, then depending on any extra insurance you had with your employer, that's how "good" you had it there. I had a private room, the best care, great food, beautiful scenery etc. Here in the states, WOW it is expensive to go to rehab. I've only lived here for six months now and I can see why it is so hard for people to get Suboxone, go to rehab, even see a doctor! Again, I have excellent insurance here (it's actually better than in Canada but I made sure my employer set me up with only the best). I wouldn't have moved here without it. You should move to Canada for a year :)

I wish you the best of luck. I'll keep in touch to see how you're doing. Keep posting - it seemed to help you out last time.

Your pal,
emsmom
 
Well I am going to try again starting tommmorow. I am not doing so well. Something is very different with my minRABet. I think I have been in withdrawal even with the hydrocodone. I am already depressed and anxious in anticipation of knowing how I am going to feel. I did quit smoking again 3 days ago, I had no problem with that. I don't even know if subutex would even help at this point because I am stuck in a very bad mental state and I really do not know what to do.

As the night comes on I am extremely restless and depressed. Even with 2.5 mgs of valium and a dose of hydrocodone, I tossed and turned all night last night.

Last year I did go to detox at my local hospital 2x for 5 days. I will say it was a wonderful experience. I felt safe and it was really low key. I just can not go back there for a third time. My insurance would probably not pay for it and I would be so erabarrassed. The protocol would be subutex again and I just don't know if that is what is going to help.

I feel very despondent (NOT SUICIDIAL) I do feel I am in a mess and I am not quite sure what to do. I am so worried that I damaged my psyche permanently from the abuse that I am going to be stuck in this depression. I do not want to go on antidepressants. I want everything out of my body.
 
I know that feeling where 'its not like it used to be!'...the high isnt there, your always thinking about trying to get off the pills, that it doesnt make taking them fun anymore. The depression is normal man, just always keep in mind that we are going to have low seratonin and dopamine levels until we are through our withdrawals, and beyond, but it always gets better! the mind is an amazing thing, and can take us for a turn we never see coming. Stick with your guns and try weening off (how many do you plan on doing a day and how often are you going to lower your dose, just curious); i also do recomend the detox center if things get too difficult to deal with on your own. Keep us posted! and I am also a firm believer that music got me through 60 percent of my first detox!!! I cant live without my tunes!!! haha
 
hey music man don't beat yourself up so bad. we all relapse. that is why we are here crying together. lol and laughing some.

nuraber one: celebrate the quitting smoking. You have still quit? right? that is a major major accomplishment.

taper down if you can. if not don't be erabarrassed to ask for help. at least you want it. some people don't. keep us posted.
 
Hello musicman,
I sure don't hope that I was too harsh on my first post. It sounRAB like you have a handle on your addiction some what, but don't want to stop. From what you wrote, are you autistic? It may be the case with you knowing music so well and sitting in a rocking chair and at ease. There is now shame in that. Maybe the drugs help you feel calm. I am really sorry you have been to the hospital and it seems hard on you, but you can do it. I would not even write here all of the drugs I used to do as a musician, but I stopped and you can too. I have found that musicians have a different take on life than most people. It is not a bad thing, it is just we are wired a little different.

I am sorry you are having that struggle right now, but you will be fine, I just know it. Your first step is to say you want to quit. If I can help, I will. If this sounRAB like silliness, then regard it.
I wish you well,
Tim

Oh, I wanted to add that I am sorry about you losing your mother, that could hurt too and so hard to get over. But you must go on my friend
 
Haha.. No I am not autistic! Just the way I always enjoyed music! Maybe I have some autistic tendencies! However, I am extremely social and touchy feely so I do not appear to fit the definition! That did give me a good laugh though, and no offense taken! However, I do want off the pills, I just do not know how to get over the hump to get on with my healing!
 
Well it looks like Sunday is going to be my last day of the oxycodone. Something very strange happened yesterday. My anxiety/depression competely stopped. It has been years since I have felt this calm. Completely stopped! I am hoping it is my subconsious gearing up and telling me that I have the strength to go through this and make it through. I hope this calmness lasts, it has been literally years since I have felt like this. I got into bed last night completely calm and looking foward to sleeping and I slept so well.
 
maybe you have just gotten it in your head that this is it for you. I wish you well and hope that things will go just fine for you. I need to gear myself up for the same thing. i am tired of the roller coaster ride!
 
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