Great "Simpsons" Quotes

Time to dust off this thread.

Grift of the Magi

Announcer: Funzo! Funzo! Funzo! If you don't have Funzo, you're nothin'!

Also:

Jim Hope: Do you have any idea how much pressure we're under to come up with a new Furby or Tickle Me Elmo? And thanks to you, Funzo is the first doll designed by children, for children, with all the profits going to children!
Lisa: Really?
Jim Hope: Yeah, well... we're all somebody's children!

Lisa's Sax

Dr. Pryor: The point I'm trying to make here is, that Bart must learn to be less of an individual, and more a faceless slug.

^ Great lesson for the kids out there.

The Principal and the Pauper

(Real) Skinner: Don't you have any dreams?
Armin: My dreams all involve combing my hair.

The Twisted World of Marge Simpson

Marge: ...and then they gave me back my $500 investment and kicked me out of the club.
Homer: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Back up a bit now. When are the pancakes coming in the mail?

^ You boys are only interested in one thing.

The Mysterious Voyage of Homer

(Homer samples Ned's "five alarm" chili)
Homer: One, two... hey, what's the big idea?
Ned: Oh, I admit it. It's only two-alarm, two-and-a-half, tops. I just wanted to be a big man in front of the kids.
Todd: Daddy? Are you going to jail?
Ned: We'll see, son. We'll see.

^ Ned's goody-two shoes shtick is always good for a laugh.

A Milhouse Divided

Marge: Lisa, how was school?
Lisa: (distracted by the TV) How was what?
Marge: School! School!
Lisa: It's not time for school.
Marge: I KNOW it's not time for- (groans)

Miracle on Evergreen Terrace

Kent Brockman: So while you're home today, eating your sweet sweet holiday turkey, I hope you'll all choke, just a little bit.

^ A news reporter just wished bad things on the very people who watch him. Why is he still employed again? :p

The Cartridge Family

(after Homer recklessly uses his gun)
Krusty: Hey, yutz! Guns aren't toys. They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keeping the King of England out of your face.

^ Great callback to a previous joke.

Bart Carny

(Bart is in overalls, prepared to do backyard chores)
Bart: I can't go out dressed like this; what if someone sees me?!
Marge: You're just going into our backyard; no one will see you.
(Bart opens the door)
Nelson: Haw-
(Bart shuts the door; Marge opens it again)
Nelson: ...Haw!

The timing on Nelson's haw-haw is just about perfect.
 
Homer: "Do YOU come with the car?"
Model: "Te-he-he-he! Oh, you!"
(Homer goes to look at other cars, another man looks at car)
Man: "Do YOU come with the car?"
Model:" Te-he-he-he! Oh, you!"

Lisa: That's it!
Homer: [whispering] Quiet, Lisa! Everyone in the store is looking at you.
Lisa: They should take a good look at themselves, and what their church has become.
Lovejoy: Lisa, it's still the same basic message -- we've just dressed it up a little.
Lisa: Like the Whore of Babylon?
[the congregation gasps]
Lovejoy: That is a false analogy!
Lisa: No, it's not. It's apt. APT!

Bart: She's like a Milk Dud, Lis: sweet on the outside, poison on the inside.

Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catch phrase.
Homer: (slips as he leans on his elbow and breaks a lamp) D'oh!
Bart: Ay, caramba!
Marge: (Grumbling) Mmmmmmmm!
Maggie: (pacifier sucking noise)
Ned Flanders: Hidely-ho!
Barney: (Belches)
Nelson: HA, HAAAH!
Mr. Burns: Ex-cellent!
(Long pause, then everyone stares at Lisa)
Lisa: If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.
Homer: What kind of catch phrase is that?

Groundskeeper Willie: "Willie hears ya. Willie don't care."

Homer: "Hello, I'm here to deliver a package to Marge Simpson."
Desk Clerk: "Where's the package?"
Homer: "...DAMN IT!"

Congrats on the Simpsons' 23rd season renewal!
 
Here's a few more great Simpsons quotes for a Christmas present:

Homer: [Popeye-like voice] Eh, looks like I need some fuel for me mule; gas for me ass. :lol:

Lisa: [As the Simpsons swim away from Alcatraz] Swim towards San Francisco!
Homer: I'm not made of money! We'll swim for Oakland!

Patty: The older they get, the cuter they ain't.

Hans Moleman: You took four minutes of my life and I want them back. Oh I'd only waste them anyway.

Marge: Well most women will tell you that you're a fool to think you can change a man, but those women are quitters.
Lisa: What?
Marge: When I first met your father, he was loud, crude, and piggish. But I worked hard on him, and now he's a whole new person.
Lisa: Mom...?
Marge: He's a whole new person, Lisa.
Lisa: Oh, I know.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.:sweat:

Merry Christmas!
 
Barting Over

Lawyer: Your son alleges you have an anger management problem.
Homer: Why you LITTLE-! I'm sorry, that was a rare lapse in my normally calm demeanor.
Judge: Will the stenographer please read that back that previous statement?
Stenographer: "Why you little-!".
Homer: (to stenographer) Why you LITTLE! (Bart laughs) (to Bart) Why you LITTLE! (to judge) Why you LITTLE!

Dead Putting Society

(after writing up the bet on the mini golf game)
Marge: I suppose you two have to sign this. I hope BLOOD won't be necessary.
Homer: I'm game if YOU are, Flanders.

Lisa Gets an A

(Bart takes Lisa to the boy's bathroom)
Lisa: I can't go in there!
Bart: Oh relax. There's nothing here you didn't see when Dad boycotted pants.

^ I hope he didn't boycott underwear, too.
 
King Of The Hill

Rod Flanders: Do you want to play "Capture The Flag", Daddy?
Ned Flanders: Sports on a Sunday? Hmm! I'd better check with Reverend...
Reverend Lovejoy: (off-screen) Oh, just play the damn game, Ned!

Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo

Game Show Host: Now I'm going to ask you a question about Japan.
Homer: Is the answer Japan?
Game Show Host: ...Yes. (turns towards the curtains) Bakayarou! Dare ga kotau yattanda? (You morons! Who came up with that answer?)

Faith Off

Lenny: You're only calling us a cow college cause we were founded by a cow.

The Computer Wore Menace Shoes

Homer: Now then... computer?kill Flanders!
Ned: Did I hear my name? My ears are burning!
Homer: (whispering) That's a good start, now finish the job!
Ned: Oh, you're busy. Catch you later, compu-tator!
Homer: Oh, five thousand dollars for a computer and it can't even handle a simple assignment!

Agnus: Seymour, are you looking at naked ladies?
Seymour Skinner: No, Mother.
Agnus: You sissy!
 
Regarding Margie

Homer: You see, I recently tried this thing called beer.
(Marge snaps out of her amnesia)
Marge: I remember everything now! You get drunk all the time!
Homer: Oh, but do you also remember that you're an enabler?
Marge: Of course! That's why we're such a great team!

^ I love how Marge says that Homer's drunk all the time.

Bart the Fink

(at the new IRS Burger)
Homer: Lesse, I'll have four tax burgers, one IRS-wich, withhold the lettuce, four dependent-sized sodas, and a FICA-ccino.
Cashier: Fill out schedule B. You should receive your burgers in six to eight weeks.
Homer: (filling out taxes) Marge? What were your gambling losses last year?
Marge: $700!

^ I just love the ridiculousness of this scene.

Beyond Blunderdome

(Homer's taking the electric car for a test drive)
Marge: Boy, that quiet engine sure makes conversation a lot easier.
Homer: (bitterly) Yeah, it's got a lot of other problems, too.

Fear of Flying

Lisa: Look on the bright side, Dad. Did you know that the Chinese use the same word for "crisis" as they do for "opportunity"?
Homer: Yes! "Crisatunity"!

Lost Our Lisa

(after Homer performs the car stunt)
Homer: Hehe. Feel your heart pumpin' a mile a minute? That's what my heart's doing ALL the time.

^ Or maybe it's because you have heart problems?

Treehouse of Horror VI

(after Lard Lad comes to the door the second time)
Homer: I told you! Flanders has it. Or Moe. Go kill Moe.

^ I love how Homer delivers that last line.
 
This is while Bart is watching an episode of Pokemon:

Bart: Wow, how does this show stay so fresh?

Is there anyone who doesn't love the irony?:anime:

Homer: Yep. Everything worked out for the best.
Marge: What? Bart is dead!
Homer: Well me saying "I'm sorry" won't bring him back.
Marge: The gypsy said it would.
Homer: She's not the boss of me.

That's just cold.
 
Homer: (Being attacked by the Killer Krusty doll) Marge the doll's trying to kill me and the toaster's been laughing at me!

The speedy delivery of that quote plus the last half of that line was what floored me because it just came from out of nowhere.

Jimbo: (Seeing Lisa and Nelson kissing) Dude, you're kissing a girl! That is so gay!

The first time I heard that line I fell out of my seat laughing.
 
Oh no!


I'm in way over my head.

That one may be my favorite Simpsons quote of all time. I think of it anytime I buy ketchup.


Not to nitpick, but it's "coming up", and yea I love that one too. :D


This one is all in the delivery cause the actual line doesn't make much sense.


This one's great. It's like three or four laughs all in a row.

There was a line I heard in a newer episode that I thought was really funny. I have no idea what episode it was.

Homer: Pfft, flowers, the painted whores of the plant world.
 
Homerpalooza

Teenager 1: Oh, here comes that cannonball guy. He's cool.
Teenager 2: Are you being sarcastic, dude?
Teenager 1: (sadly) I don't even know anymore...

^ This quote only gets better with age, especially with the rise of the internet where sarcasm rules supreme (and is wildly abused, IMO). This is a perfect representation of those who overuse sarcasm to the point where you wonder if they like anything at all.
 
Summer of 4 Ft. 2

Miss Hoover: And so, as Abraham Lincoln sat in Ford's theatre that night, John Wilkes Booth entered, drew his gun, and... (bell rings) Well, that's it. Have a nice summer, everyone. (almost everyone leaves)
Chuck: But what happened in Ford's theatre?
Ralph: Was President Lincoln OK?
Hoover: He was fine. (beat) Go home, Ralph.

^ If, by "fine", you mean "shot in the head". I also love how Hoover apparently didn't cover the Civil War at all in the rest of the school year, one of the most important events in U.S. history. Using roughly her own words from "Lisa's Substitute", "Oh what did she teach them?!"

Another similar quote I enjoy:

Kamp Krusty

(kids are running out of the school)
Teacher: Wait a minute! You didn't find out how World War II ended. (kids stop; pause) WE WON!
Kids: YAY!!!! USA! USA! (begin rioting)

^ Gotta love simplifying a whole war to "we won".
 
Now for some legendary Kent Brockman quotes.

Kent Brockman: Hello, I'm Kent Brockman, and welcome to another edition of 'Smartline'. Are cartoons too violent for children? Most people would say "No. Of course not. What kind of stupid question is that?" But one woman says 'yes'...Marge Simpson.

^I love when he does that.


Kent Brockman: Ladies and gentlemen, uh, we've just lost the picture, but what we've seen speaks for itself. The Corvair spacecraft has apparently been taken over, 'conquered' if you will, by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Earthmen or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.

^I don't think there's a single person who doesn't lose it over this.


Kent Brockman: Professor, would you say it's time for our viewers to panic?
Professor: Mmm, yes I would, Kent.

And later-

Kent Brockman: Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?
Professor: Yes I would, Kent.

^I think that's probably the most insane thing ever uttered on this entire show.


Most of those came courtesy of David Mirkin. The man definitely knew how to skewer the media. It's kinda sad that this hasn't dated, though.
 
Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily

Reverend Lovejoy: Ned, have you thought about one of the other religions? They're all pretty much the same.

I Don't Wanna Know Why the Caged Bird Signs

Dr. Hibbert: Look, it's Marge, with DWIGHT! I said there was a spark between them, but you said I was crazy.
Krusty: I saw it, I just didn't feel like talking to you.

A Tale of Two Springfields

Krusty: I opened for The Who at Woodstock. I came out in a Beatle wig with a ukulele. Hendrix said he almost plotzed. His exact words.
Mel: (sarcastically) Oh, I never tire of that story.

^ Mel's delivery here is what makes the exchange work.

It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge

Psychiatrist 1: Excuse me, what are you doing?
Marge: Oh, I was just praying to God that you'll find me sane.
Psychiatrist 1: I see. And this "God", is he in this room right now?
Marge: Oh, yes. He's kind of everywhere.
Psychiatrist 2: Marge Simpson, you give us no choice but to declare you utterly-
Marge: I'm not insane!
Psychiatrist 2: You didn't let me finish. ...Insane!

Homer Bad Man

Homer: I need help. Oh, God, help me. Help me, God! (phone rings; Homer tentatively answers it) ...Y'ello?
Man: Hello, Homer. This is God.....frey Jones, from the TV magazine show "Rock Bottom".

^ Just one of many, many great "screw you" jokes in the show's history.

Tennis the Menace

Lisa: You're replacing me?
Homer: Now, Lisa, "dumping" is such a harsh word. Let's just say I'm replacing you.

^ Uh, "replacing" is what she said.

Secrets of a Successful Marriage

Homer: Everyone can teach a class but me. I'm an idiot! What am I going to tell my wife and kids?
Admin: Oh, you're married?
Homer: (suggestively) That depends... is there another way to get this job?

^ LOL. I love how Homer's mind jumps right to "sleeping with the man to get hired".

Also:

Lisa: I think it's great you're a teacher, Dad. So, will be you lecturing from a standardized text or using the more socratic method of interactive class participation?
Homer: ...Yes, Lisa. Daddy's a teacher.

^ You sure you're qualified?

Homer's Triple Bypass

Moe: Now let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend, Homer Simpson. (long beat)
Barney: How long has it been?
Moe: Six seconds.
Barney: Do we have to start over?
Moe: Hell no.

How I Spent My Strummer Vacation

Marge: I had to tell Mr. Burns you had violent diarrhea.
Homer: Oh... couldn't you have come up with a less embarrassing lie?
Marge: But you DID have violent diarrhea! Nobody open the hall closet until I say it's OK.

E-I-E-I-D'oh

Homer: Oh, you don't wanna get Zorro mad!
Marge: You're pouring hot butter on my LEG-!
Homer: Ssssh.

Mobile Homer

Homer: While you lounge around here doing laundry and putting up drywall, I'm at work busting my hump!
Marge: Oh PLEASE! From what I hear, you waltz in there at 10:30, take a nap on the toilet, and sit around Googling your own name until lunch!
Homer: (gasps) Who told you that?
Marge: You shouted it while we were making love!

^ Just picturing Homer shouting that while having sex with Marge is funny.
 
If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing. -Homer ("The Otto Show')

Fine! I'll sleep with someone who DOES appreciate me. -Homer ("Three Gays Of The Condo"

You people are pigs! -Krusty ("Lisa's First Word")

I don't have to take suggestions from you, you barbecue-wrecking, know-nothing, know-it-all! -Homer ("Lisa The Vegetarian")

Let's destroy ever child...friendly thing in town! -Lindsey Negale ("Marge vs. SSCCTG")

If you survive, please come again! -Apu ("Boy Scoutz N The Hood")

And all those opposed to horse-whipping Homer Simpson?
...Me. -Mayor Quimby and Homer Simpson

Look a bear! -Homer ("Children Of A Lesser Clod")
 
Back
Top