Great "Simpsons" Quotes

Homer trying to reassure Bart after the (apparent) death of Krusty the Clown....

"People die all the time....just like that...Why,you could wake up dead tomorrow...Well,goodnight!!!"

(just what any kid wants to hear :sweat:)...
*****
Bart,to Lisa,about reincarnation...

"I believe that,when you die,you get to come back as whatever you want...I'll be a butterfly,because nobody EVER suspects "the butterfly!!!"...

(Bart's line delivery just kills me,not to mention the fantasy sequence in which Skinner's being dragged away saying "I didn't burn down the school!!!...It was the butterfly,I tell you!!!...while Bart as a butterfly holds a gas can and laughs)...
 
Great "Simpsons" Quotes

I know. One would think that more people would do so to celebrate the Simpsons' 20th Anniversary or for just plain fun (two reasons I'm still doing it). Like you said, "Oh well". Here's another gem of an exchange:

Homer: So I realized that being with my family is more important
than being cool.
Bart: Dad, what you just said was powerfully uncool.
Homer: You know what the song says: "It's hip to be square."
Lisa: That song is so lame.
Homer: So lame that it's... cool?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Am I cool, kids?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Good. I'm glad. And that's what makes me cool?not caring, right?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Well, how the hell do you be cool? I feel like we've tried
everything here.
Homer: Wait, Marge. Maybe if you're truly cool, you don't need to
be told you're cool.
Bart: Well, sure you do.
Lisa: How else would you know?

I don't know about anyone else but...I'm confused.:sweat:
 
From Treehouse of Horror V:

Homer: Hmm, cable's out. Think I'll have a beer. (checks fridge) Hmm, not a drop in the house. What do you know?
Marge: Homer, I'm impressed. You're taking this quite well.
Homer: I'LL KILL YOU! I'll kill ALL of you!

^ Timing is everything. Also, from segment 2:

Bart/Lisa: (robotically) Join us, father.
Marge: It's.... BLIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSS.

^ The dragged out "bliss" gets me every time.

From Who Shot Mr. Burns Part 1:

Mr. Burns: Well, me and my fourth form chums think it would be quite corking if you'd sign over your oil well to the local energy concern.

^ "Corking" gets me to laugh. Nobody nowadays talks like that.

From Pokey Mom:

Skinner: You know, when Superintendent Chalmers suggested a school mural, I almost thought he said a "school MURIEL." (audience is silent) Muriel's his sister, and uh... (a shotgun is heard in the crowd)

^ It's not so much the line itself that's funny but the shotgun in the crowd. It's even funnier that it's the second time in the episode that it's happened; is it the same person, or does Springfield just have a bunch of impatient trigger fingers? :p

From Trilogy of Error:

Dr. Nick: "Inflammable" means "flammable"?! What a country!

^ And speaking of Dr. Nick...

From The Girl Who Slept Too Little:

Dr. Nick: Remember: You have a check-up next Thursday!
Lisa: We don't go to you anymore! We have a better doctor!
Dr. Nick: Oh, congratulations!

From The Joy of Sect:

Hare Krishna guy: Have you heard of Krishna Consciousness?
Homer: This, Bart, is a crazy man.

^ I love how Homer says that line, especially right in front of the guy.

From Treehouse of Horror XIII:

Billy the Kid: ...And the most feared German dictator of all time: Kaiser Wilhelm!
Frank James: He ain't no cowboy!
Kaiser Wilhelm: Sure I am! Uh, yippy wippy, wippy!

From Stark Raving Dad:

Smithers: Careful, men: He wets his pants.

From Homie the Clown:

Woman: (on intercom) George Carlin on three.
Krusty: (answers intercom) Yeah? (listens) Lawsuit? Oh, come on. My "Seven Words You Can't Say on TV" bit was entirely different from your "Seven Words You Can't Say on TV" bit. (listens) So I'm a thief, am I? Well, excuuuuuuuse ME! (to accountant) Give him ten grand.
Woman: (on intercom) Steve Martin on four.
Krusty: Ten grand.

^ LOL. How did Steve Martin hear him just now?

From In Marge We Trust:

Skinner: Mother's gone too far: She's put cardboard over her half of the television. We rented "Man Without a Face", I didn't even know he had a problem! What should I do?
Lovejoy: Well, maybe you should read your Bible.
Skinner: Um, any particular passage?
Lovejoy: Oh, it's all good.

From Homer vs. Patty and Selma:

Bart: What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them, as is my understanding.

From Worst Episode Ever:

Agnes: Out of the way, tubby.
CBG: Oh, pardon me, Oldie Hawn.
Agnes: Why, you ill-mannered sack of crap!
CBG: Oh, goody. Now I know whatever happened to Baby Jane.
Agnes: You are the rudest man who ever... bought me dinner.
CBG: Correction: I do not believe I have ever bought you... Oh.

^ There's something delightfully low brow about this exchange. Two people are attracted to each other through insult comic punchlines.
 
Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I'm proud of you! I was twice your age when I figured that out.



200px-CouchGagS4E01Flintstones.jpg


Happy 50th, Flintstones!
 
Alone Again, Natura-Diddily

Lovejoy: In many ways Maude Flanders was a supporting player in our lives. She didn't grab our attention with memorable catch phrases or comical accents!
Willie: Aye!
Sea Captain: Yarr!
Frink: Oh Glaven!

Love the self-referencing joke.

Saddlesore Galactica

Homer: I'll deal with those murderous trolls.
Bart: Huh?
Homer: I mean... I'll deal with those murderous trolls!

It's funny how Homer doesn't even try to change the subject.

Race Announcer: Could it be? In a bizarre twist, a horse is abusing a jockey! Might this be the start of a terrifying planet of the horses? In this announcer's opinion, almost certainly yes! And away I go!

First apes, then horses. What next?

Announcer: And away they go! It's chock Full o' Drugs, followed closely by Stalker, with Old Levis fading fast!

Worthy of Warner Bros.

Marge: Should the Simpsons get a horse?
Comic Book Guy: Excuse me, I believe this family already had a horse, and the expense forced Homer to work at the Kwik-E-Mart with hilarious consequences.
Homer: Does anyone care what this guy thinks?
Crowd: No!

Again, gotta love self-referencing.
 
Bart After Dark

Belle: Are you wearing a grocery bag?
Homer: I have misplaced my pants.

I just loved how random the scene was and how casual Homer's delivery was to this line.

Episode is escaping me, but here's one from one of my favorite side character

Hans Moleman: My name is Hans, and drinking has ruined my life. I'M 31 YEARS OLD!

I just love how he puts emphasis on his current age.
 
Homer - "Looks like they're barking up the wrong 'bush'."

Homer (in his head) - "There it is Homer, the smartest thing you'll ever say and no one was around to hear it."
 
Bart the Murderer

Jack Larson: Folks, I'm pleased to announce that a new truckload of Laramie cigarettes, with their smooth good taste and rich tobacco flavor is already heading towards Springfield, and the driver has been instructed to ignore all stop signs and crosswalks.

King of the Hill

"This just in: Powersauce is amazing!"

Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious

Burns: What's this strange sensation in my chest?
Smithers: I think your heart's beating again.
Burns: Oh, that takes me back.

^ To quote Family Guy: "That you've managed to be walking around all this time is nothing short of a miracle."

Lisa the Vegetarian

Skinner: Good morning class. A certain... agitator... for privacy's sake, let's call her "Lisa S." No, that's too obvious... uh, let's say L. Simpson... (Lisa slaps her forehead in annoyance)

^ LOL. Springfield is a small school. How many Lisas or Simpsons do you think there are?!

Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming

Homer: (to Marge) They didn't have any Asprin, so I got you some cigarettes.

The Blunder Years

Burns: What are you doing in my corpse hatch?
Wiggum: Montgomery Burns, you're under arrest for murder.
Burns: Uh, did I say "corpse hatch"? I meant, "innocence tube"!

Apocalypse Cow

Bart: So Dean Martin would show up at the last minute and do everything in just one take?
Homer: That's right.
Bart: But Wikipedia said he was "passionate about rehearsal"!
Homer: Don't you worry about Wikipedia. We'll change it when we get home. (bitterly) We'll change a lot of things.

Homer the Smithers

Burns: Ah, and my dear dear Smithers. You're no longer needed at all. You're fired. Ta!
Homer: (to Smithers) You shouldn't have gone away on vacation.

^ Ah, Mr. Tact.

Fear of Flying

"Pass me another hunk of copilot."

^ One of the funniest lines ever.

A Star is Burns

Jay: So then I said to Woody Allen, "Well, Camus can do, but Sartre is smartre!" (Marge and sisters comment his witty remark)
Homer: Yeah, well Scooby-Doo can do-do, but Jimmy Carter is SMARTER. (tumbleweed rolls by)
 
I don't like "Saddlesore Galactica", but I love the ending quote:

President Clinton: Thank you, Lisa, for teaching kids everywhere a valuable lesson: If things don't go your way, just keep complaining until your dreams come true.
Marge: That's a pretty lousy lesson.
President Clinton: Hey, I'm a pretty lousy president. (does a goofy smile)
 
From the episode where Burns dates Marges mother:

Burns (Being greeted at the door by Homer and Marge): You must be Fred Flintstone, and this must be (Looks at the card written by a jealous Smithers) Wilma. (Sees Maggie) And this must be little Pebbles. I brought chocolate.

Homer: (snatches it from him) YABBA DABBA DOO!
 
Grift of the Magi

Bart: All I know is, I'm getting straight A's, and that ain't not bad.

Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire

Homer: What's your name, Bart...ner? Uh, little partner?
Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
Homer: (gruffly and angrily) I'm Jolly Old St. Nick.

^ Homer's ironic delivery of "I'm Jolly Old St. Nick" is what makes this joke work. Also, from the same episode:

Homer: I don't want to leave until our dog finishes. (really long pause) Aw forget it, let's go.

^ That is one slow dog.

When Flanders Failed

Akira: We learn karate, so that we need never use it.
Bart: Um, excuse me, sir. I already know how not to hit a guy. Can we break out the nunchucks?

I Married Marge

(after listening to "You Light Up My Life" on the radio)
Homer: I bet the guy she was singing that about was real happy.
Marge: Well, actually, she was singing about God.
Homer: Oh, well, He's always happy. No, wait, He's always mad.

Homer the Smithers

(Smithers searches for a replacement for himself while he's on vacation)
Smithers: I've got to find a replacement that won't outshine me. Perhaps if I searched the employee evaluations for the word "Incompetent"... [search results shown] 714 names? Better be more specific. "lazy", "clumsy", "dim-witted", "monstrously ugly"... [search results shown; same amount of names] Aw, nuts to this! I'll just go get Homer Simpson.

Regarding Margie

(after Skinner and Edna finish having sex)
Skinner: You know, I still think about you, Edna.
Edna: Birthday's over, Seymour. (leaves)

The Great Money Caper

Homer: A good son would come through for his dad.
Bart: Yeah, and a good dad wouldn't miss his son's little league games!
Homer: I told you: I find them boring!

^ Well... at least he's honest.

Homer the Moe

(a bird starts pecking Moe's face)
Moe: Ow ow! Not the face! (the bird pecks his crotch) Ooh! OK, the face! (bird returns to his face) Whoo... to think that actually feels good after the, after the crotch.

Lisa on Ice

Wiggum: All right, I'm going to make a little deal with you mugs. I'm going to let you all out to see my team play the hockey game if you promise to return to your cells.
Snake: Sorry, pig, we can't make that promise.
Wiggum: All right... all right, I'll sweeten the deal. You can see the game, you don't have to come back, but: you have to promise not to commit any more crimes, OK?
Snake: No.
Wiggum: I'll take that as a yes. (lets them out)

^ What an idiot.
 
Marge: (while watching Paint Your Wagon) Who knew Lee Marvin could do such marvelous splits?

Lisa: He's dreamy.


Homer: I never apologize! I'm sorry, that's just the way I am.


Homer: (after Bart's busted for shoplifitng) Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For laughs? Well I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you?


And it's not really a quote, but the scene from the episode where Burns builds the casino where Burns is laughing for days on end upon remembering crippling an Irishman gets me every time.
 
Homer: Come on, Lisa, say something funny.
[holds a tape recorded with a microphone]
Lisa: Like what?
Homer: Oh, something stupid like Bart would say. "Bucka Bucka" or
"Woozle Wuzzle": something like that.
Lisa: Forget it, Dad. If I ever become famous, I want it to be for
something worthwhile, not because of some obnoxious fad.
Bart: Obnoxious fad?
Homer: Aw, don't worry, son. You know, they said the same thing about
Urkel, a -- that little snot boy! I'd like to smash that kid!

I think life already did that.:rolleyes:
 
Ned Flanders: "Porky Pig is not a man, he's a pig! And he isn't even a REAL pig!!"

Homer: Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad people.

If only....

Homer: [Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!


Lisa: A hush falls over the general assembly as Stacy approaches the podium to deliver what will no doubt be a stirring and memorable address. [pulls Stacy's cord]
Stacy: I wish they taught shopping in school!
Lisa: [groans, pulls Stacy's cord again]
Stacy: Let's bake some cookies for the boys!
Lisa: Come on, Stacy. I've waited my whole life to hear you speak. Don't you have anything relevant to say? [pulls cord]
Stacy: Don't ask me, I'm just a girl. [giggles coquettishly]
Bart: Right on! Say it, sister.
Lisa: It's not funny, Bart. Millions of girls will grow up thinking that this is the right way to act -- that they can never be more than vacuous ninnies whose only goal is to look pretty, land a rich husband, and spend all day on the phone with their equally vacuous friends talking about how damn terrific it is to look pretty and have a rich husband!
Bart: [pause] Just what I was going to say.

Sure you were, Bart.:sweat:
 
Homer and Bart have boarded a rocket headed toward the sun, packed with the worst celebrites mankind has to offer:

Tom Arnold: (To Pauly Shore) You and me should do a movie together. That'd be a surefire cure for the blues!

That line makes me laugh every time I hear it.
 
When Bart was letting himself go:
Marge: When people used to ask me how you were doing I said "at least he's got his health". Now you've got nothing!

MISS BOTZ: (Good animation here) I said you're gonna watch this tape. And you're gonna do what I say, or I'm gonna do something to you. And I don't know what that is, because everybody has always done what I say.


Lisa (after Homer, Marge, and Bart are arrested): Well, Maggie, I always knew it would someday boil down to just you and me. I'll look for work in the morning.:rolleyes2:






 
18 pages later and we're still not out of funny quotes. Amazing.

A Star is Burns

McBain: Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up? (beat) That's the joke.
Man in audience: You suck, McBain!

^ The delivery of the "you suck" is what slays me.

Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadassss Song

Bart: Boys and girls, Mrs. Krabappel, I come before you today to solve a riddle that has plagued mankind for centuries: What has four legs and ticks?
Milhouse: A walking clock?
Nelson: A walking clock?
Martin: I'd wager he has some variety of walking clock in that box!
Edna: Bart, is it a walking clock?
Bart: (confused) What? No, it's my dog.

^ Probably should've said "What has four legs and barks" instead...

Itchy & Scratchy Land

(Bart's in a gift shop)
Bart: Cool...personalized plates! "Barclay"..."Barry"..."Bert"... "Bort"? Aw, come on. "Bort"?
Bort (child): Mommy, mommy! Buy me a license plate.
Mother: No. Come along, Bort.
Bort (adult): Are you talking to me?
Mother: No, my son is also named Bort.

Pygmoelian

Duff guy: (loudly) Drink Duff!... (quietly) Responsibly. (loudly) Drink Duff!... (quietly) Responsibly.

Rosebud

Smithers: Sir, I've arranged for the people of Australia to join hands tonight and spell out your name with candles. There's a satellite hookup on that monitor if you'll just turn your head slightly.
Burns: Bah, no time.

Also:

Apu: It's a head bag! Those are chock full of... heady goodness!

^ Again, delivery is everything.
 
Bart After Dark

Mr. Burns: I don't like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there are too many fat children.

Monty Can't Buy Me Love

Homer: No way! Aberdeen rules!

^ Since when does Homer care about Scottish sporting events?

Treehouse of Horror XII

(after Lisa uses magic to change the clock back five minutes)
Marge: (groans angrily) That's not good for the clock...

Also:

Mr. Burns: (regarding Satan) No, I'm ducking him. His wife has a screenplay.

^ Satan has a wife? News to me. :p

Mountain of Madness

Ranger: Okay, search party, before we set out, let's take a moment to humor the children. (to Bart and Lisa, loudly) Kids, your father's gonna be just fine!..... Okay, everybody, put on your corpse-handling gloves, we've got two frozen bodies buried somewhere in this mountain.

^ LOL. Bart and Lisa are still within earshot.

Hurricane Neddy

Homer: (reading card to Ned) I engaged in intercourse with your spouse or significant other. Now THAT'S psychiatry! Huh? Huh?

^ Homer's delivery of this makes the joke work.

Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily

Homer: Why you cotton pickin'-! (chokes Cletus)

The PTA Disbands

Lisa: So if we were in school right now, what do you think we'd be learning?
Miss Hoover: Get away from me.

^ Funny because you can both see how Lisa's being annoying, but also sympathize with Lisa that her own teacher doesn't care about her.

Itchy & Scratchy Land

Marge: It must be wonderful to ring in the New Year, over and over and over.
Waitor: Please, kill me.

^ Honestly, I'd agree with the waitor here. That job would suck due to its repetitiveness.

King of the Hill

Marge: (after watching part of the McBain movie) Now THAT'S what I call breakneck speed! (laughs)
Bart: (criticizing) Mom, a man just died.

Lisa's Date With Density

Skinner: I'll tell you something that's not so funny. Right now, Superintendent Chalmers is at home crying like a little girl. (students laugh) Well, I guess it is a little funny. NONETHELESS, I will find the culprit.
 
Bart: You make me sick, Homer. You're the one who told me I could do
anything if I just put my mind to it!
Homer: Well, now that you're a little bit older, I can tell you that's
a crock! No matter how good you are at something, there's always
about a million people better than you.
Bart: Gotcha. Can't win, don't try.

Homer: "Look at that! I'm the first non-Brazilian person to travel backwards through time!"
Mr. Peabody: "Correction, Homer: you're the second."
Sherman: "That's right, Mr. Peabody!"
Mr. Peabody: "Quiet, you."

Homer: They're paying me to eat!
Bart: Now if they paid you to scratch your butt, you'd be on Easy Street.

Homer: Oh, but I don't want them cutting up my soft, supple body!
Why didn't someone tell me what I was volunteering for?
This is everybody's fault but mine.

For the record, I'm really REALLY surprised that no one has put up this:
Homer: [on phone] Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night.
They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but
they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.

After Bart finds out about Lisa's crush (Nelson):
Bart: Are you nuts? I'll probably never say this to you again, but...
you can do better!
 
Homer: "Must hurt self, must hurt self.."

Marge: That little sneak disobeyed us and went to that hip hop festival!
Homer: If that's true he's gonna be like N.W.A: Not Without Ass-welts!

Lisa: You'd think someone would have seen something at a crowded party
like that.
Bart: Well they didn't, OK? They didn't. It says right here in black
and white, "No witnesses." Case closed. [grabs paper] Now let's
all read the funnies. [reads] Oh look: Charlie Brown said "good
grief". Hah. I didn't see _that_ coming. [forced laughter]

Happy 60th, Peanuts.:)

Bart: Mom, even Milhouse has a cell phone. Your son is lamer than Milhouse! What does that say about you?

Nothing good, I wager.
 
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